You present an interesting dilemma.
You want him to give up his money for love. Because in your mind, you are worth whatever income he'll forego due to divorce.
I really think the answer to this comes down to being a man versus being a woman. Like, I understand your argument. I truly do. I just think that its asking a lot for a man to part with his life's work just to show you that he loves you. Now, from a business standpoint, he knows the rules, you get a divorce, if you live in a community property state, things get split down the middle. At some point, a divorce will happen. However, his wife isn't interested in a divorce? That is odd to me.
So for you two years, his wife has been okay with just being separated and NOT getting half of his business and earnings? Something's afoul here. Does he just plan on staying married to her forever?
For me, I feel like he just has no idea what he's doing. I'm sure he loves you. But you're making his love for you and his business all apart of the same basket of monkeys. And they're not. He needs to take care of his business AND deal with you and the two are mutually exclusive.
To me at least. Of course you can say, well, until he divorces her, we can't get married. To which I wonder aloud, this dude obviously has a principle issue over his money enough to stay married just to keep his wife from half of his business. You think he's in any rush to get married?
I think you're looking at that grand gesture of risking losing your money for love in a movie sense and I'm not sure if that's fair. But it does present an interesting question.
To me...he should do it because it's going to happen sooner or later, not because of his love for you. That's secondary in my opinion. Your love affair on the other hand, is likely what you think matters most and I'm just not sure that's the main issue here.
I'd love to hear other opinions though.
BFF: Thanks for wrestling with this. I really appreciate your insight. OP here with a couple of answers to your questions. He's paying for his wife's apartment and probably other expenses (although I don't know exactly which ones) so financially she doesn't "need" half the business and they're congenial so I think she respects that the business is his. Until she wants the divorce (for non-financial reasons) I don't think she'll push for it. Also, I have a moral problem being with someone who is legally married. So it's not just that I'm forcing him to choose between me or money or that I need/want to marry him. It just feels wrong to me to be with someone who is not divorced. He's known from the beginning that this is an issue for me...
i just want to say that i'm sorry for the judgmental and harshness of some of the commenting here. i think there are a lot of assumptions being made about you based on nothing that you've even said, and i'm sorry for that because i am sure you came here for clarity and support and not to be judged and criticized. i actually don't believe that we CAN choose who we fall in love with, we can only choose what we do about those individual situations and to me it sounds like you have done the right thing. i agree with panama, he should do it as it sounds like it is inevitable whether you are in the picture or not. but i am sorry you must be going through hell right now and for your sake i hope that he sees the light with you at the end of the tunnel and i wish you the best of luck!
That's sweet of you to notice that yeah...the comments were a bit harsh. But I understand why. Sometimes the truth hurts. We had been acquaintances for years and I just didn't think that when we started flirting and I found out he wasn't divorced (I thought he'd been divorced for years) that it would turn into anything. So I'm kicking myself for falling head over heals for him knowing that, even though he's very separated, he's technically, still married. And I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that he doesn't think I'm worth getting a divorce. It has taken me awhile to actually believe that because, in spite of what Mr. X said, I know he really does love me and he's not looking for or interested in other options.
men show love in different ways. and they are much more pragmatic about the external variables than we are. we women are emotive creatures, love is enough for us. for men, everything does kind of need to be "in place" before they can truly give one woman their all. i am going through a similar situation, marriage is not between us but geographic distance is. we could multiply the love between us by a thousand (though you really wouldn't need to) and it still wouldn't be enough. actions are loud in cases like this. if your man is not interested in other options, then i would say he does place quite a high worth on you, the highest. but that's the first conclusion women jump to. from "he's not calling me back, he must not think i'm worth it" to "he's not putting a commitment in stone, he must not think i'm worth it." it could very well be, "i don't have my shit together yet, she IS worth better, and i'm not going to make any moves until i can give that to her"
ah ok. the business is not the issue then. the marriage is the issue. well, you only have two options really. keep things as they are, or let him know you have reached that point where you can't. you have every right to say that and to own that. and you can do that without shifting the major sacrifice to him so that he freaks out and panics and pictures himself homeless if he chooses you. you just need to tell him you want all of him, like you would want all of any man you allowed into your life, and that you deserve that. either he agrees with you that you deserve that, or he doesn't. but if he doesn't, thats because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. until now you've taught him that that's okay with you, now, you know that he knows where you stand on it, it's time for you to tell him you've reached your limit, and you DO deserve all of someone. someone that loves you will agree with that.
You knew from the jump he was married so why now is your moral alarm sounding off? Its our choice who we fall in love with. If him being married was a problem from the jump, why go down that path and set yourself up for failure? He's doing what you have always allowed him to do. Also, you cant be mad at him. He's still married which means you are still the jumpoff. You gotta play your position or move on to someone who is available. Your married boyfriend is not available.....
You knew from the jump he was married so why now is your moral alarm sounding off? Its our choice who we fall in love with. If him being married was a problem from the jump, why go down that path and set yourself up for failure? He's doing what you have always allowed him to do. Also, you cant be mad at him. He's still married which means you are still the jumpoff. You gotta play your position or move on to someone who is available. Your married boyfriend is not available.....
Let's do the recap. You couldn't find a man who was available. You found what could be the most ideal situation in being with married man; a wife who doesn't give a shit he fools around. You expect he should throw away millions of dollars and years of work, just for you, when he could easily find other options.
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After 12 years in a relationship with the man of my dreams I am finally at the breaking point becuase he won't follow through with his divorce. We live togther, have owned a business together, bought and sold houses together, he is literally the perfect man for me, but no matter how many times I have explained how hurtful and disrespectful it is to me he just won't move forward. I have never met his two youngest chidren and while the older children have been in my life here and there, they really want nothing to do with me. I have never met his parents, they want nothing to do with me. Our entire life is wrapped around me and my family even though I have tried for years to try to get him to meld our two families, which they refuse to do until he gets divorced. The answer has always been that it would cost too much, he would lose half of everything, but she has everything now and he pays all of her expenses. The holidays are spent seperately, I can't go to weddings or funerals, his kids sporting functions or anything involving his family. I love him with all of my heart and I am sure he loves me so can someone please expain to me how after all of these years he won't just see it through.