Ah, she seeks a second opinion. Okay, I'll play.
With all due respect to my colleague--we are an opinionated bunch, which is why we're here--no, I do not agree. I can't imagine he was being totally serious, but it's a good topic, so let's talk about it.
Yes, some divorced people have baggage. So do married people. So do widowed people. So do single people. If divorced people are undateable because of their baggage, then everyone is undateable, because everyone has baggage. People like to think that certain kinds of baggage are worse than others, but they are not. Baggage is baggage.
You can't generalize about people and their hangups. Not all divorced people have been scarred by the experience. Some unloaded their baggage by getting divorced, and now they are as happy as can be. We like to think we can predict what kinds of people have issues, but we can be wrong. Some of the most grounded people I know have experienced devastating personal tragedy, and some of the most troubled people I know have had what many would consider an easy life. These people might be the exceptions to the rule, but they prove that exceptions exist.
If we're going to generalize, here's mine: the divorced people I know are some of the most self-aware folks you will ever meet. Going through the pain of a broken marriage has taught them much about themselves and how they deal with others, and they are determined not to make the same mistakes again. If practice makes perfect, divorced people are one up on the rest of us: they made a wrong choice and learned a painful, indelible lesson. They are wiser for the experience.
Are divorced people damaged goods? Absolutely. We are all damaged goods. That's what makes us human.
Thanks for the question.
I think what makes a person undatable is the severity of their damage. It can be anyone, divorced, single or married.
Who decides the severity? It's hard to grade or compare baggage.
thank you! i totally didn't expect this to get answered lol such a great answer once again, you put it much more eloquently than i ever could. i said the same thing to him essentially, that everybody has baggage. i also said i don't ask anyone to carry mine, and that's the difference as well. i think throwing your baggage on someone makes one very undatable, there are a lot of questions here often from singles with some serious baggage and how to handle it in relationships. i do agree with you that divorced people are so much more self aware, but it also makes us harder to date, in my opinion, but that's not a bad thing. since my divorce, i have had no patience dating anyone that hasn't been through it, b/c to me they more often than not are looking at life through rose colored glasses. on the other hand, getting a commitment out of someone who IS divorced, is not an easy task, and has no bearing on their feelings for you. but i'm the same because of that self awareness and can be just as commitment phobic as the next divorced gal or guy, but it doesn't mean i'm not crazy about the guy i'm with. i prefer to look at things positively though. NOT being commitment phobic the first time around landed me in a really crappy marriage, so that baggage can be a good thing like you said. thanks for the second opinion, i'm still big fans of all y'all lol pointed look over there, yes, even ye who called me undateable. ;-)
Glad to help, Chrissie. And you're right, being more discriminating and "harder to date" isn't a bad thing. You've earned the right and learned the lesson.
thats a very kind way of putting it, thank you.
Divorced people (& parents) know how to put others before themselves & compromise more quickly than someone else. Well.., I think that way at least.
So after coming through a divorce and starting to date again at the age of 40 (with 2 kids), the one true thing I've learned is that EVERYONE has baggage. You just need to decide if your luggage coordinates with theirs
Exactly!
i LOVE the way you put that. 40 and 2 kids and dating, bless your heart.
I'd rather date a divorced mother of 40 than someone who hasn't been in a serious relationship at all. To make a relationship work you need to compromise at times, ie. accept each others luggage. Most "Sex in the City"-type women I know never learned that important lesson.
Unless ofcourse by dating you mean seeing someone for some fun time and casual sex. In that case a single mother is probably not your best bet ;-)