Your school has counsellors. Use them, that is what they are there for, and your parents already paid for them so they can't complain.
Your priest is a pretty good jack-leg counsellor. Might want to talk to him too.
I really, really want to shout at you about the whole suicide thing, but I won't, cause convention says I gotta be kind in this situation.
I ain't gonna pretty it up for you either. You are wrong and totally full of sh*t. Plenty of folk would miss you. A friend's daughter killed herself, without warning or any signs or symptoms, two years ago and her friends, hell even her aquaintances, still really miss her. Still post stuff on her wall. My friend misses her terribly every goddamned day.
Guess what. She doesn't know how badly she is missed. Cause she is dead and I doubt FB has reached the afterlife yet.
Now, there is a comment box right below this answer. Spill it. Tell us your grief, and let us take some of the load off you.
Since comments are messing up for me too, but I have this alternative:
OK, harsh stuff first. You are disabled. So Effing what. Does it make you love less or feel less?
No.
Second up, your little dude. I don't care what your parents say, you are his Mom. You are the one he cries for in the night. Not them.
YOU ARE MOM. Not them.
Any ethical lawyer ( and don't giggle, most of them are more or less human) would laugh your folks out of his office if they tried any crap like you just said.
Your folks are full of crap and, basically, sound like the pond scum on the surface of the gene pool. Your perfect sister, well, you might want to re-read the sentence you wrote about her. Sometimes we tell the truth when we are upset.
Your little lad needs you. You need you. Screw everyone else.
Chin up.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ you can call several prevention hotlines, too.
http://www.fcc.gov/guides/suicide-prevention-national-hotline
Please please please call them if you need to talk.
No one here will judge you, if they do I'll kick their butts myself.
Open up, speak up, be heard. You are not alone. You are not the only one that's ever had these thoughts. You are loved by many, even though you may not feel it right now. You have a very precious gift right now called life and I say live it to the fullest - if nothing else, just as a small bit of revenge for those that may be trying to keep you down.
Stand tall, hold your head high. You are important. You are loved.
IMAlive.org You can chat online.
There are lots of super cheap or even free community resources too. If you post a city I'll find them for you.
People would miss you. You don't realize how many lives you touch. A friend of mine passed away almost 4 years ago now. We went to the same parties and talked, technically some would say we weren't close. I miss him everyday.
I've battled with depression too and battled the constant thoughts of suicide plaguing my daily life. If your family has health insurance, most policies have "mental health benefits" where you can pay as low as 20$ a visit.
You can beat this. do things you love. we are here for you.
Ok here it is. I'm a 26 year old disabled, single mom of a little boy. My parents love to remind me that the only reason I got to bring him home was because of them. They say I robbed them of their golden years. My sister on the other hand is perfect. Going to college, not sleeping around and definitely not getting knocked up out of wedlock. They constantly sing her praises and when I do the exact same thing, all I get told is "yeah you did it Ashlie style which means we'll have to fix it." then we have the fact that I feel like I gypped my son of a few things he deserves, like a dad. I'm just trying to do the best I can for my son. And I know it's time for me to leave but they've told me they won't let me take my son with me and if I try, they'll get a lawyer and get him back and I'm scared they're right. I also had convinced myself that my son wouldn't even miss me if I wasn't here, that he'd be better off if I just disappeared from his life. I think that's everything. If I think of more, I'll add it later.
OK, harsh stuff first. You are disabled. So Effing what. Does it make you love less or feel less?
No.
Second up, your little dude. I don't care what your parents say, you are his Mom. You are the one he cries for in the night. Not them.
YOU ARE MOM. Not them.
Any ethical lawyer ( and don't giggle, most of them are more or less human) would laugh your folks out of his office if they tried any crap like you just said.
Your folks are full of crap and, basically, sound like the pond scum on the gene pool. Your perfect sister, well, you might want to re-read the sentence you wrote about her. Sometimes we tell the truth when we are upset.
Your little lad needs you. You need you. Screw everyone else.
The other part of this is I feel very selfish bc he doesn't have a dad in his life. I just want what's best for him.
Makes his Mom even more important to him, doesn't it.
I guess. I just had myself convinced that he'd be better off without me bc he just does better with them, listens to them better than me etc. I love him more than anything else in this world and I would do anything for him but I can't give him the one thing he deserves, which is a dad. And I can't help thinking that if I could go back in time and do this over, I would have given him up for adoption bc he doesn't deserve the life I've provided for him even though I've done the best I can. He deserves so much more. Make sense?
No. It does not make sense.
Sure, he could do with a dad around. It ain't vital.
What is vital is you being there every damned day.
Ok I see your point. I just worry that not having a dad in his life is going to mess him up. My parents love to tell me that 90% of men in prison come from homes headed by a single mom. But like I said I do love him and I would do anything for him, which is why I feel I need to talk to a counsellor about my issues.
The thread was getting too thin.
Counsellor is a good idea. Getting away from your parents is a better one.
Thanks MM! I'm hoping that once I talk to a counsellor they'll see that living with my parents isn't healthy for aiden or me and help me convince my parents of that fact. Also I'm apartment hunting as we speak.
Ashlie, I know you must be feeling hurt, scared, frustrated and sad about your circumstances right now, but just remember some basic truths in life: nothing in life is eternal; change is constant. What does that mean? It means that even though you're facing one of the hardest moments of your life right now, this too shall pass because few things in life remain in a fixed state especially where human emotion is involved. I said "few things" because the one thing that really can never be reversed or fixed is death. Once you're gone, that's it -- game over...not just for you, but partly for all those that love you (like your son & friends) who will have to bear all the sad consequences of you no longer being present and available to them.
Do yourself a favor Ashlie and be a little kinder to yourself and give yourself a break. I'm sure you're doing the best you can with what's available to you right now. And for the record, you acted responsibly by reaching out to your clergyman to ask for help and direction. The best piece of advice I would give you were I your friend would be to become informed in regard to your parental rights. Knowledge is power. If you're not a danger to your son, and you've been living in the same household that he's been in this whole time while you've been providing for him(along with your parents' help) then there's no reason why the courts would side with your parents in regard to custody. Should your parents fight you for custody, given that you're disabled but you've been a constant in your son's life, they might even point you to some human services as well. From what you've said it sounds like you've been a present parent, and trust this, that counts for plenty in the eyes of the courts.
Righ now Ashlie, you need to worry about your own emotional/psychological health and well-being. You really don't have the luxury of time to worry if your parents understand that you need counseling or fret about convincing them of that. Instead of worrying about trying to get them on your side, why not just take the leap of faith and be PROACTIVE and do things your own way and seek out the counseling resources that some posted on this thread or others you might get thru referrals should you contact other resources you might find on the web. You need to focus on yourself for awhile, (and don't feel guilty about that) because the healthier(and stronger) you become in time, the better off you'll be on your own and for your child in the long run.
Know this -- if something happened(death) that took you away from your son, you'd be leaving behind not just a sad and abandoned boy, but also one full of doubt and painful questions. The worst part would be that those questions he'd have as he's growing up would be the kind you'd be the only one as his Mom who could provide the answers. He'd always wonder why you didn't love him enough to fight for your own life so that you could stay in his as his Mom. He'd question why he didn't matter enough to you for you to fight to live your own life on your own terms so that you could raise him from childhood into adolescence while instilling in him the values and principles that you as his only parent embraced. Trust that the best legacy you could ever leave your child, Ashlie, is for him to know that he was loved and treasured beyond belief by the one parent he loves and could always count on -- YOU. Get strong, get healthy and do it not just for your son, but for you -- sometimes we don't realize how much strength we have within us until life tests us so consider this your challenge. Best of luck, Ash, and know you can do this.
If nothing else keeps you going, think of your son. Your death would leave a gaping hole in his life that will never be filled. So you didn't do things by the book or the way your parents wanted you to. F**k them. Live for your son, because weather you know it or not, you are his world. Reach out the to resources other kind strangers here have left you. There is help all around you.
My son's best friend committed suicide at 17 years old following years of depression. It was the single most horrific thing that has ever happened to my family. I cannot even begin to fathom the immensity of the pain his family lives with.
A few days prior he sat in my kitchen eating soup and chatting with me. I have spent so much time regretting not saying or doing something that might have led him to counseling.
I wonder if he knew how much we'd all miss him. I wonder if he knew that life would never ever be the same without him here. I wonder if he knew that we would be left feeling like a bomb had gone off in our lives and we would all have to agonize over it trying to find a place in our heads that we could put this so it doesn't have to hurt so much. Somehow I doubt it, because he was a good person who would never knowingly hurt people.
I wonder if you know that studies show that losing a parent to suicide puts a child at greater risk of suicide and mental health problems.
You matter, please live.
Your parents are scum as MM said, think about how they make you feel, and then think about your son having to grow up in that environment, WITHOUT YOU! That would be horrible!
You are mommy, you are protector, to him you are EVERYTHING!!! Trust me, that line in Silent Hill rings true "Mother is God in the eyes of a child." I promise you that is fact to your son! He needs you in his life!
My mother has been suicidal most her life, though she never acted on it, and only in the past 5 years has started getting treatment, she was strong but I am so glad she did finally talk to someone, she had a way to get help that few can.
Have you thought about looking into group activities? Mommy groups at your local leisure centre or the like? Might be worth a look.
And Ashlie, I have only seen what you have written on here, but I can tell you right now, you are already important to me and everyone here who is posting in response to you. Remember that, too.
and for the record I know it wasn't first said in Silent Hill... just can't recall where else I heard it and it was the only thing that would come to mind, heh...