One of the other guys would probably give you a much better answer, but since you asked ...
Getting lovers, both casual and serious, has never been a problem for me, but making good friends always has. I don't trust easily. I am heavily biased towards keeping the friendship going, even at the expense of a possible relationship. So bear that in mind when you read this.
The important thing here is what she wants and needs, not what you do. The lady comes first does not only apply in the bedroom, but in day to day life too. You need to find out what she feels. And accept it. If she is interested too, great! If not, also great - you know and can pursue someone else knowing she is cheering you on and has your back!
You can beat your brains out analysing her every word and gesture, to your intense frustration as no one has made a guy/gal translation ap yet, or you can simply ask her. Sounds risky, but not if you do it right.
Be honest with yourself first though. Are you interested because she is available, or is she someone that you could seriously spend you life with? Remember, no pressure on her either way at all. Friends don't do that crap unless it is needed, and in this case, it isn't needed. You really do want to stay friends, no matter what.
Last time this happened to me, I asked her in the negative, as it has less risk. Out for a meal - we were very close friends, like holding the head over the toilet to throw up close - and I just said "We'd make a terrible couple, you know." She smiled and said "Oh, I don't know about that." We've been together for a while now. So it can work. Sometimes.
Good luck to you.
I was this close to rushing in and taking her for myself, but now that I think about it, it'd be better for our friendship to wait until she reciprocates. That was actually a very profound answer and I'm glad I asked for your input.
NP. Everyone needs a reality check sometimes.
ya that "wait until she reciprocates"..... reciprocates what? Ambivalence between friendship and romance? The lack of asking someone out? Saying nothing about your feelings?
Its kind of strange to be close to "rushing in and taking her" an then be like, oh, I think I'll do nothing, that will work. If you like her then take MM's advice and bring it up CASUALLY in conversation. Its only going to eat away at you if you like her and dont say anything... and the more you like her the higher the stakes. Just say something causal and dont be awkward about it.
As for the crack about doing nothing, yeah, that's exactly what I mean. I'm still not sure if I really just want to take things to the next level or if I just want her for her body...and that's not a great way to transition from from friendship. Thinking these things through can save an entire relationship of awkwardness, which would inevitably ensue if I didn't address this in a clear state of mind. It's just really bad timing.
I'm not even sure where you're going with the rest of that stuff...maybe you have some stuff to solve on your end too?
what do you mean about "the rest of that stuff"? I was just saying that "rushing in" and doing nothing are basically polar opposites, and its strange to make a decision vacillating between two extremes when you could just have a casual chat- kind of right in the middle if you see what i mean.
As for me, I dont have a guy that im interested in who is my friend right now, but it has happened more than a few times in the past where a guy I guess was into me, knew me for a while and said absolutely nothing about it, and then all the sudden just kind of made some big swooping gesture and came on super strong, super randomly (for me). It just would have gone a lot better if they had just asked me out when we had first met like normal guys do when they meet someone they think is attractive, or had just sort of causally introduced the topic in conversation. You do whatever you think is best. I just found their "rushing in and taking me" to be rather bewildering given all our previous platonic time we had spend together.
The stuff about it eating away at me if I don't say anything and saying nothing about my feelings...it's seriously not like that. I like her as a person and find her attractive, but some days it's friendly, some days it's more. I said this right in the question.
Also, you misunderstand me. I didn't say I was going to forget about it and never say anything again, I'm just changing my approach. I'm still going to talk to her and kick it like a normal friend would. This is going to come up eventually, and more importantly, casually. But not now...not until I figure out what she means to me and whether I want her more as a friend or as something more.
Right now, it's a really fickle situation and I'm glad I didn't do anything hasty.
I agree, those situations can be totally fickle. I'm in the middle of my own confusion (with one of my guy friends) and I'm getting to the point where I'm losing interest due to the extreme fickleness of the situation, so why mess things up unless you are reasonably sure that it could be worth your while.
You see, guys really do speak a different language. Aron got what I was saying straight off, and my hat is off to him for the good guy response.
To translate: Look, dude. Check your own motives first, before piling it on. You just wanna sex her, or really be with her? Cause just sexing a friend ain't cool. friends don't do that.
I agree with MM; it is important to figure out what your motives/wishes are first, but then you should check with her, she might surprise you.
Would this whole "asking in the negative" thing work for a girl too? I'm going crazy in love with my best friend...
It does work. But remember - the answer you get is the one you accept.
Very good answer. :)
I'm in sort of the same jam.....although we had the "talk." You know, the one where you think you get everything off your chest and you hear him be all "real" with you and you end the night feeling so good with so much clarity.
That lasts for like three weeks. WTF?
Ok, so I'm in loooooooove with my guy friend and have been quite some time... After many years away from each other, we somehow came in contact again.. Now, we've both endured some devastatingly awful relationships while away from each other.. I was there for him a great deal and though I thought I had gotten over him, I soon realized that I was wrong. One day, we had begun to talk and suddenly he asks me to kiss him. I disregarded what he said out of the assumption that he wasn't serious. The next thing I knew, he leans in and kisses me. I didn't hold back because part of me yearned for this day to come. As we kissed, we definitely felt sparks between us. Eventually I wanted more but wouldn't allow myself to go any further. The next day we end up making out again and its gets even deeper than ever. There was a connection between us that I honestly could not explain.. He in turn expressed that he wathouerwhelmed by his emotions. I said I'd felt as though I was falling (off of the chair we were on. He in turn said, "I feel like I'm falling too..." He gave me this look, as though he meant this differently than in the context I used.. He embraced me with everything within him and just held me tightly. There was a long pause. The next day, he was nonchalant towards me and treated it as if nothing had ever happened. I became frustrated by this afternoon a few days of this and finally confronted him about his possible feelings for me. He denied having any feelings and in fact, betrayed my feelings. I felt completely invalidated by how he treated me. It hurts to think about it now.. He acts as though he felt nothing when in reality, he feels deeper than he let on. I Just need to know why he allowed all of this and why he initiated eve if he was going to just deny it all in the end?? What's worse, is he knows exactly how much I care about him and he passes me off to other guys as though my heart doesn't matter..... Please help me to understand? Thanks!!
Ok, so I'm in loooooooove with my guy friend and have been quite some time... After many years away from each other, we somehow came in contact again.. Now, we've both endured some devastatingly awful relationships while away from each other.. I was there for him a great deal and though I thought I had gotten over him, I soon realized that I was wrong. One day, we had begun to talk and suddenly he asks me to kiss him. I disregarded what he said out of the assumption that he wasn't serious. The next thing I knew, he leans in and kisses me. I didn't hold back because part of me yearned for this day to come. As we kissed, we definitely felt sparks between us. Eventually I wanted more but wouldn't allow myself to go any further. The next day we end up making out again and its gets even deeper than ever. There was a connection between us that I honestly could not explain.. He in turn expressed that he wathouerwhelmed by his emotions. I said I'd felt as though I was falling (off of the chair we were on. He in turn said, "I feel like I'm falling too..." He gave me this look, as though he meant this differently than in the context I used.. He embraced me with everything within him and just held me tightly. There was a long pause. The next day, he was nonchalant towards me and treated it as if nothing had ever happened. I became frustrated by this afternoon a few days of this and finally confronted him about his possible feelings for me. He denied having any feelings and in fact, betrayed my feelings. I felt completely invalidated by how he treated me. It hurts to think about it now.. He acts as though he felt nothing when in reality, he feels deeper than he let on. I Just need to know why he allowed all of this and why he initiated eve if he was going to just deny it all in the end?? What's worse, is he knows exactly how much I care about him and he passes me off to other guys as though my heart doesn't matter..... Please help me to understand? Thanks!!