Not good, but don't panic. Wishing won't make things happen, this is one time when you need to talk to professionals, not some dude on the net.
First, you go read this, especially LizzieLizard's comment, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (Thanks RP!) and ask them what you can do.
You can get further advice at your local courthouse, or your local police station.
Good luck. Now move it!
Please please please please go now.
don't respond to the letter and don't let him know in any way shape or form that it bugs you either. Abusers/Bullies have low self esteem and to make themselves feel better about themselves, they try to create reactions in others. It makes him feel more important, to the world at large, if he knows he can get a reaction out of you, thats what fuels him. Unfortunately, while ignoring him is your best advice, it may cause him to escalate to something that will force you to react, which is why you need to make that call immediately (before that could happen) and document something with the domestic violence hotline or a local woman's counselling center. I was always hesitant to call the police because, they can't help you unless he's broken the law, and many of them are smart enough to skirt that boundary, and harrassment law varies from one region to the next, and not always in favor of the victim. They are tight laws so that they don't get 1000 calls a day over harrassment claims. So yeah, don't be calling the police or dong something extreme over one letter that is going to fuel him even more if you don't have to, because, when they are at your house there could be some woman on the other side of town getting her head bashed in that needs help. But, I have a feeling you know all of this already. Being exposed is their biggest fear, so take your power back and deal with it by making that call. There is a very good chance this was one of his last kicks at the can to get a rise out of you, and if you don't give him that, he may just go away and find another target. Don't worry about the other target, just take care of yourself and your safety, your only priorities right now. call that number.
totally agree. You need to call right now. Do act for your own safety. please.
Seeing as the letter was not malicious and he dropped it off without ringing the doorbell or trying to talk to you in person, I really don't think it is something to be hugely concerned over. I won't ask what the letter was about, maybe an update on his life as he knows you will be uncomfortable talking in person. Maybe it was somewhat of an apology for how he had abused you in the past. Regardless, it was not malicious, and I don't understand how he would even know you had a big response to it. Maybe he is that much of a manipulator and just assumes it will so that gives him the satisfaction. I don't know the guy.
But, as he is your ex I assume he already knew where you lived. Not much has changed in this situation. He has no right to a response as he is an abuser and if the behaviour continues or he tries to get in contact then go through the proper channels. If you clicked on that link, LizzieLizard is right on the money about restraining orders. I am also in Law Enforcement and I do encounter these situations where we get calls from abused partners when their ex comes by. Sometimes it really is a one time thing, he updates her about what's going on or apologizes and moves on, and other times he tries to get her back or even becomes imbalanced and is a danger to himself and others.
Use the resources MM gave you, if he returns and tries to contact you directly either in person or via telephone my suggestion would be to get a male friend to talk with him. NOT in a confrontational or angry way. I assume he knows your friends at least a bit so having a face he knows talk to him can be helpful and leaves you safe from contact. Most abusers are cowards when face to face with another man, they like the control and physical superiority they have over most women. If you call the police about your ex coming by and dropping off letters they MIGHT ask for his number and then they MIGHT call him (I am in Canada, your police services might do things differently). No danger is present, he has not tried to contact you directly, and his communications are not malicious or threatening.
I truly do feel for you and your situation but, coming from a Police perspective, there is very little that an officer could do. Use civilian assistance and if it does become threatening or you feel truly in danger then involve the Police.
Best of luck to you.
“I really don't think it is something to be hugely concerned over.”
WOW! I would never tell a person who was abused at the hands of another that! I think you need to read the book “Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker.
She is worried for a reason.., ignoring that could cost her, her life. Damn.
No, sorry I worded that wrong. As I say in the end I wrote that from the perspective of a Police Officer being told the situation. On our radar this is not even a blip, it may sound heartless or uncaring, but there is no evidence of any kind of threat or danger. Even if he had been arrested before because of the abuse, there is nothing the Police can do in this situation. In the eyes of the law, the abusive ex walking on her property and putting a letter in the mailbox is no more threatening then your postal worker doing the same. Especially when the letter has no malicious content.
As was said above me, "don't be calling the police or doing something extreme over one letter that is going to fuel him even more if you don't have to, because, when they are at your house there could be some woman on the other side of town getting her head bashed in that needs help.". At least where I am an Officer we would not even visit her home. Police are not private security or bodyguards, there are people out there currently being abused, sexually assaulted etc which we have to help. A neutral letter from an abusive ex, dropped off without him trying to talk to you, is something to be handled through civilian assistance.
That is all I am saying. Personally, nothing satisfies me more than putting the cuffs on a domestic assaulter.
Actual I was a police officer & she should report it if she felt threaten by it. They can document the behavior in the event something more serious happens to the victim. (God forbid.)
By the way…, it is a federal crime to put something in a person’s mailbox.
3.2.11=No part of a mail receptacle may be used to deliver any matter not bearing postage, including items or matter placed upon, supported by, attached to, hung from, or inserted into a mail receptacle.
you go girl. yeah, it is nice to know that we don't have to wait until we are bleeding to pick up the goddamn phone without feeling like WE are the inconvenience.
Once again. I am from Canada. Different countries, different laws. I can tell by the Criminal Section that the law is definitely not from the Canadian Criminal Code. Just out of curiosity, is that a federal, state, or municipal law? And yes, we can take that information, my point is that there is little to no actual action that can be taken by the Police. If she wishes to have this sorted out then she must be proactive and look at civilian organizations and assistance. All I am saying is that the Police are a great tool but unless a crime is committed there are very few solutions from that avenue of thought. You can call the police about your neighbour cutting down the hedges on your side of the property lines and we will file it away for future reference....but that's all it is, a file, not a solution.
The mailbox fails under the federal code do to post office being a govt agency. (Hey, I use to spend my summers in Canada as a kid!)
I think he was just referring to that one specific incident as not something to hugely sweat over, not the abuse as a whole. But what law enforcement does not realize, and sometimes until it is too late, is that not addressing one incident (as harmless as it appears) may cost someone their life. Their perspective is entirely based on, did he or did he not break the law in THAT moment, and a woman being afraid of a letter being dropped off he is saying is not worth a call to the cops. the fear is not addressed as much as the issue of the law is. I stopped calling the cops around the time I was told by a police officer "it's not against the law to be an asshole". The issue that preceded that comment was trespassing on my property and a vehicle that "went missing". That's what they care about, but it doesn't make them unsympathetic, it just makes them appear that way (with all due respect). Assuming the letter is not malicious is an example of that, because we don't know whether it was or wasn't, all we know is it struck fear in her. but I know what you are saying as my reaction was the same when reading that. the suggestion of having a man address him is a good one, he's right, they are very intimidated by that. in the meantime, more people need to realize that it IS a life or death issue, as grey as it might be around specific legislation.
Just wanted to thank the various LEO's for their feedback on this, with different state and country perspectives. It will be helpful both for the OP and future questioners.