Not surprised you think men are evil.
They ain't, though, no more than all women are conniving, vindictive b*tches.
Gonna say this loud and clear - fear and love don't mix well. Before I get corrected, let me point out that fearing for someone is an integral part of love and is in no way related to fearing someone.
What to do - I can say you have probably missed your chance with him. Guys are simple, uncomplicated souls, who take rejection about as well as a petulant two year old. He tried to stick, you eventually forced him away. Why on Earth would he come back to you? To be pushed away for the umpteenth time?
Fix yourself first. No, it won't be easy. Sh*t worth doing never is. A lot of the time I don't recommend therapy - I honestly think it is over-rated for the most part, with a lot of con merchants out there (Johnny Storm time) - but in your case you need all the help you can get.
Got get yerself fixed. Then worry about finding love.
I'm so sorry to hear all that, hun :( I'm in the same boat really. I lost the chance with the love of my life because I kept pushing him away. I just kept thinking, if he loves me enough he'll try to stay. I was wrong. He did love me enough, but this was no game, he wanted to be loved in return and I was too busy being scared and mad at my past -molested as a 8 year old- to realize I had someone important.
I hope you can fix yourself. I know I'm trying very hard to get better, though it really is one very hard road ;( Hopefully, one day I'll be able to have someone who loves me and can show how much i love them too. Sadly, my reputation as a hurtful girlfriend has followed me...and i'm only 18.
I'm in the same boat with you, sweetie.
I lost someone who I really cared for/loved because I thought that my past (molested at 8) was reason enough to treat boys like dirt. There was one person in particular who I loved with all my being, but i kept pushing him and pushing him...and then I pushed him into the arms of a very pretty blond. He left me and I deserved it. I'm half lucky that I'm only 18 and have time to grow up and get better, but now I'm known as the town heart-breaker :( So I don't think I'll ever have someone to share my life with, but I hope that you'll have a great life with a lucky man once you get the help you need :)
this is such a good question for so many women, and what a wonderful answer MM. i too have hated men for so so so long, and not given many men the chances they deserve. you've been taught that men are jerks, so it's easy to just assume that the next one that comes along is as well. the man that i have been with now for about 6 months is really teaching me about all of these things that MM talks about, and forcing us to percolate slowly because of my insidious history. which is tough, but good as it is forcing me to face those fears in a way that is allowing us to grow together organically, which not many people focus on these days. and if you have already pre determined that he's a jerk, you ARE shooting your own foot, not his. on a recent vacation with this man he asked me what my fears were, what makes my palms sweaty. i told him driving over skyways, and relationships. he said, do you avoid the skyways then? do you drive around? and i said no, of course not, if i want to get to the other side on my terms, my timeline, i have to look it in the eye and deal with it. he smiled and said, that's exactly what you need to do with relationships too then. and that's what you need to do as well. therapy will not do what life experiences will do to teach you how to move forward in them. you need to look the issues in the eye and just deal with them. i am learning now, that the best way to discover that all men are not jerks is to stick to your standards no matter what, there are good ones out there, and the good ones will meet them and edify you in the way that you deserve. that teaches you that you aren't worthless and that you are respected and admired and don't deserve to be demeaned in the way that you have been in the past. if this man that you miss does that for you, it may be worth trying to get him back, but only if your process is authentic and based on you, and not what you think he wants you to be.
This is a good question. So many women go through this, especially as these women were once girls who grew up with horrible men, fathers, brothers, cousins, friends, etc. But there of course are good men and the way to let them into our hearts, and OPEN our hearts to them is to heal our inner selves. For all us ladies who grew up with or were abused by horrible men, we need to learn to love ourselves, see our past as something to overcome and draw strength from, instead of fearing and reverting to. There are good men out there and sometimes, they are the ones we dont give the time of day to even think about.