If you don't trust your psychiatrist, why should you trust me?
Still, I am gonna say a couple things.
Did your friends reject you - or did you reject them?
A lot of the time we push people away, without even realizing we are doing it until it is too late, especially after something bad happens. It almost seems like we like to punish ourselves further by cocooning ourselves from risk of more harm.
It is something you see a lot in the army, when someone is injured, sometimes when someone kills. They try to withdraw into themselves. In the army, they are not permitted to do that, it is actual policy to prevent it happening and part of the treatment.
If you don't want to make new friends, why are you mourning your formerly active social life?
You didn't think of it that way, did you now. Part of you wants the old you back. You'd not have asked otherwise.
Why are you jaded?
You are not jaded. You are numb. Big difference.
You know full well what my words of wisdom will be.
People are social creatures. We like being around others who we like and trust. We also need to be around others sometimes. It is a basic human drive, and why solitary confinement is considered a harsh, almost too cruel, punishment. You have put yourself in solitary.
The door isn't locked. You can open it at any time and walk out into the world again. Sure, it is scary. It'll get harder to do, the longer you leave it. So make the effort. Get out and get talking to people. Maybe join a club. No excuses.
When was the last time you laughed?
all of it is so true, listen to MM. rejection is a pretty powerful word and he makes a good point, who chose that rejection, you or them? maybe you are just feeling rejected but aren't actually rejected. put yourself in their perspective and see if you can see the situation differently. i felt completely abandoned by a girlfriend very dear to me recently, and it turns out she was just going through some stuff she didn't want to burden me with so she pulled away. you are the only one that gets to decide what your life looks like, it's nobody else's design. you choose lonely and numb or happy and laughing with people that like you and care about you around you.
I sometimes push people away, because I don’t want to be hurt in the long run. Maybe you are doing that too…
good point. i'm very skilled at that as well. *sigh*
If you are able to, then get a pet. Caring for something else will do wonders for your soul. That being said ... get out of your house and volunteer at a homeless shelter or a food pantry ... somewhere where people have it worse than you do. GIVE of yourself and you will get back 1000 fold your worth. You will see just how worthy and needed you are. Try it. I promise. It will work.
Hey, I'm the asker. Allow me to clarify: (also I don't even expect a single soul to read this. It'd be nice, but shit, I wrote a novel. If you're really that bored or whatever and would like to add input I WOULD SERIOUSLY SO MUCH APPRECIATE IT)
1) Yes, they rejected me initially. The thing of it is I suffered a TBI and had ( and still do have though less severe) chronic headaches & extreme fatigue that literally wouldn't allow me to be social. 2nd semester of my senior year of high school I had to do just the bare minimum to graduate. I had much less contact w/people, 2/4 classes were independent studies. I was alone. Couldn't eat in the caf cause the commotion exacerbated my headaches. Ate alone in a conference room. If I wasn't at school, I was at a Dr appt, and if I wasn't at either of those, I was sleeping. Literally 1-2 4 hour naps/day. This was for about 4mo.
2) I tried getting back in touch with people but it was like I "didn't know how." I was afraid I'd still constantly be turning down plans (or canceling ones I made) because of a headache, fatigue, etc. More than one person literally told me "I'm sick of you canceling on me, how about YOU call ME when you're healthy enough to actually hang out and quit wasting my time." That sure knocked me down.
3) 1st year of college I didn't help myself much. I thought it'd be a "fresh start" after my senior year was "ruined." Wrong. If I explained everything accident-related that went wrong even in the first 2mo, you'd be flabbergasted. Ridiculous conflicts with the disabilities office, trying to acquire accommodations, like you couldn't imagine. (Try being told the first week of school that you don't belong at college because you "need too much help.") Didn't help that I gave up on the dorms 2wks into the semester and moved in with my now ex boyfriend in his off campus apartment. Emotionally abusive, jealous, hated the school and resented me (cause he followed me there...over 4hrs away from home) so he AND MYSELF isolated myself. Moved back into the dorms 2nd semester. Nearly always hung out in my dorm.
4) Tried to connect with some of the girls on my wing, started asking them if they wanted to grab dinner or whatever, watch a movie, etc. Things started rolling again.
5) Broke up with the boy in May, still didn't have anywhere near solid friends. Miserable. Summer came along and I reconnected w/some people thank goodness but the majority blew me off outright. The people I reconnected with of course go to school far away. I'm transferring colleges and I'm hoping for another "fresh start." One that involves me putting in more effort than I did last year, but I always feel like I've ultimately been rejected, so why wouldn't it continue?
6) I HAVE realized the contradictory-ness of the fact that I mourn my former social life yet don't want to make a new one. I suppose no one really gets the fact that I have not "found" myself after the accident, I'm not the same person, I feel like a shell of myself despite any efforts, and of course I still play the "why me?" game with myself. I mourn my former self. I know I can't ever be who I "was," I can only move on, but that has been a humungous issue.
7) My best friend of nearly 3yrs told me I need to "cut cords with my past" (meaning the car accident). How in the world can I do that if: a) I still deal with chronic pain, anxiety, PTSD, axis II learning disorder, among other things ON A 24/7 BASIS all from the TBI, b) am wrapped up in the lawsuit against the company at fault in the accident. I can't just "forget" about my headaches. They're real. I can't just "not worry" about the lawsuit. Anyway, the "best friend" hasn't even spoken to me in 2 weeks since giving me a 2hr lecture on this. (And let me make it clear that I don't complain nearly EVER about these things, I don't want pity and I feel like a burden as it is so I keep my mouth shut unless I need to say something or someone else brings it up and it doesn't sting enough to not talk about it)
8) I FINALLY, almost 2 months ago, got my first job since the accident. EXTREMELY hard for me but yes it is amazing progress. People are confused as to why I'm so down if I'm making so much "progress." (Some docs didn't think I'd ever be able to work again) And honestly, I don't even know how I'm going to find time for a social life. I'll have class, homework, and work. I already don't want to expend energy on cultivating new friendships that I am near convinced will never even develop given history of my trials with friends recently, so if I'm already drained and dealing with all these issues, how can I find time to hang out with people? Forget joining groups or other extracurriculars, I don't know how I'll have the energy to do the bare minimum.
Honest, I'm not trying to make excuses. I just feel as though many people do NOT understand my situation and all the barriers it includes, many of which I have ZERO control over. I find I don't even know what I have control over anymore. Can't control my headaches. Fatigue. Work. School. Other people and whether or not they feel like making time for me. Etc. Yet I am expected to be positive and slap a big 'ol smile on my face and prance around singing "yay me!"??? That's funny, really. Many think I simply make my situation sound a lot worse than it is. I don't blame them since they haven't lived it, but I've seen minimal compassion or sympathy from the majority. My own mother has been telling me to "get over it" since a month after the accident. A month. I can't GET people to understand or anything like that, but it sucks that I always feel like I'm being shut down and somehow, where and who I am now, is all my fault, I did this to myself, yattayattayatta. I don't get it.
I always check back on the comments, especially on questions like this. Feel a bit better? Letting out the pain, frustration and rage helps. That is what you miss most, isn't it. Someone to talk to openly.
I read the whole thing very carefully, twice. And I am more encouraged than anything else. You are making progress. Slowly, but steadily.
You are gonna feel like crap for a long time yet, but the headaches do go eventually. Take it from a guy who has had savage migranes since childhood and has had more than one skull fracture in the past.
Is the fatigue simply a result of the headaches preventing you sleeping, or is there another cause? Because that is a vicious cycle - the more tired you are, the worse the headache gets, making you even more fatigued and anxious.
Getting a job is about the best thing you could have done, as it forces you to socialize, without the commitment of a friendship, getting you back into practice.
That is your new beginning. Start from there. You tried a new beginning in a bit of a half assed way and it didn't work. Now you are anxious as hell that this second college is gonna be just as bad, if not worse. Maybe it will be. It definitely will be if you let it wind you up badly.
Everyone tells you to relax and forget about it - no you won't forget about it. You don't forget something so life changing, even though you want to. What does happen is it eventually loses it's power over you. Some people get over trauma quickly, others do not. You are, from what I can see, about average.
You friend is right in a way. You do have to put it behind you. I know, it is easy to say, right? It is not easy to do, but it will happen naturally if you let it. It all takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. A TBI is not a broken fingernail, it requires a huge readjustment, as you have noticed.
No one who hasn't had a TBI, or worked extensively with people who have had one, can understand just how hard it is. They mean well, sure, but it's like explaining color to a man blind from birth.
Now, as to what to do:
You have four main problems here, of which two are fixable, and one can be worked around.
The headaches, well, those you'll have to bull through, and I repeat, they WILL fade over time. If you have pain killers, use them, and something I find helps (sometimes) is white noise just above the threshold of hearing. Pick up one of those dollar radios with the headphones, dial to an unused station and turn the volume down until you almost can't hear it.
The fatigue, you are simply going to have to be careful what you do and how much you take on at any one time. That is going to require you to be organised, more than anything else. No leaving things til the last minute, and no letting the work pile up. You have to be the tortoise, not the hare here.
The anxiety and to a lesser extent any PTSD symptoms you are getting, is something you really need to work on. Meditation works, and is relaxing too. You can do it in any spare 5 minutes and it really helps.
Finally, the impatience with yourself and the bit of self loathing that peeps out from time to time. This is the hardest one. You have to accept you are getting better at the correct rate for your body.
Hope that is of some help, and yes, I'll keep checking for comments.
It does sound like a lot of your old friends are self centered pricks, and really not worth bothering with, though.
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Same stuff happened to me and has gone on for almost 30 years. Accidents can be horrifying and no one on the sidelines knows a thing about it. Imagine changing in the eyes of your friends and not knowing what changed. Wondering why you can't make friends like you used to. Where'd the love go? Why can't I get close to anybody anymore? Feel like I'll die this way. I miss who I used to be.