Weird how this happens. Two questions, submitted about a minute apart, that are the exact opposite of each other. Go read the other one too - some of it applies here. It's the quiet day, so bonus answer.
Initial questions you raised in my mind:
Why have you never had a boyfriend? Do you actually need one? Do you date at all? If you are happy with your life, why are you worried about this? Do you have many male friends? Do guys even approach you?
Aha! They don't seem to, according to "Why does this scare guys."
You sound like an organised, together person who knows what she wants and gets it by hard work and determination. Who knows her worth and is rightly proud of both herself and her abilities. I find that sexy.
Most guys don't.
Tone it down a bit. Go read this, which I wrote specifically for confident women. Apply it's lessons. Does a guy need to know he is your first whatever? No, he does not.
You move forward with your dating life the same way you move forward with anything else - by practicing until you get it right.
Good hunting.
It's past 12mn, not even sure why I logged in on GS at this hour, but viola! Another question that had me raising my hand up and saying, "That was me! That was me!"
I'm in my late 20s. Met my SO last year when I turned 28. He's my first (and by that I mean, my first everything - first date where guy picks up girl, first kiss when girl's not a blubbering cynical drunk, and well you get the idea, I hope). In a nutshell, I'm still amazed on how we met and VERY VERY VERY happy I waited.
That doesn't mean I waited as in 'did not hang out with the male species'. I've got 2 brothers and the only daughter of a lawyer (my father seems to come off as very strict and scary to guys) and a woman who in her pre-married life was called "Amazona" because she was "unreachable/untouchable" to any suitor she had (save for my then law student of a dad who was determined to pursue her). A lot of my friends are men - and this allowed me to somehow know the tricks of trade in the dating world (with their sometimes stupid, unbelievable points of view). I'm lucky because I learned and am still learning from those guy friends. I was usually one of the boys or the baby girl of the group. My guy friends took care of me, and that sort of also made me hold out on someone who can be like them and still be more. (I hope that made sense.)
I've gone through a series of men (you know those almost relationships that took the rug out of your feet to give you a good fall, I've had several of those, I think). That, and school, and my diagnosis with depression years ago, family expectations, pressure to succeed I put on myself: despite having a lot of opportunity to fall in love, everything else other than having a relationship seemed more important to me. Then came a turning point in my life when I got fed up... Or just really wanting so much more than a successful career and pleasing other people than myself. I dove back to my spirituality which was harmed after my stint in the neuro-psychiatric ward years ago. Began asking those thought-provoking questions, asking where I really want to be in this lifetime, what was important to me, "who am I?" questions. I worked on myself, and started healing myself and all those failed would-have-been relationships including the ties I have with my family (the family's a work in progress though).
I asked the same question years ago, "Are men afraid of me? Don't they want successful women in their lives? blah-blah-blah." And then I came upon the most important question of them all, "Do I need to change anything about myself so I can have the relationship I want and need in my life?" Then I found the answer to that just last year before I turned 28 and met this guy in an online dating site (no one within my circle would have imagined me joining a dating site!). See what I did there? I stepped out of my comfort zone (freakin' got peer-pressured over joining Match.com) and then gave a chance to myself to fall in love (I bet you've thought about "I should give so-and-so a chance" when in fact YOU are the one who needs that chance).
Answer is pretty simple. You are perfect just the way you are, and if no one in your life right now can step up to your plate, well, keep moving; because it only means the man for you is not within your reach yet. Doesn't mean you'll never meet him. But perfectionism or being picky aside (perhaps you are like that?), men do like women (despite us being very passionate and ahead of our time) who exude a certain degree of vulnerability (like what MM's trying to say). Why would a guy even bother being with someone who doesn't show she needs/wants him in her life and is too independent or too headstrong? Confidence is not even half of the tools you need to get into the game. There's also the willingness and openness to be in it. That and a huge amount of trust not just with men in general but with yourself. That your Heart will never ever deceive you, and instead will allow you to open up to experience that would help you grow into the woman you really want to become.
After my 28th birthday, after he returned to his trip in a faraway continent, I officially became a girlfriend to a man who thought I was beautiful without my make up on and smelling like baby pee (I was doing my practicum hours at a daycare), my voice completely gone for over a month (I was a crackling frog during our first date) and was stressed as hell as could be (finishing my degree, sickness, uncle's cancer, etc). He's a competitive career-oriented person who deals with powerful people, and lucky bastard that he is, he's now got me. You know why? Because he wasn't scared of me. And the timing was just perfect. And I was ready for a relationship, and he was too.
Pardon the long comment. Just couldn't help myself. I miss my baby, but he's coming home on the 4th of July. Now that I've written so much, I think I'm going to bed and have sweet dreams tonight.
MM, I think this would be a perfect entry on my blog too. ;) Nighty-night!
I have found that the women who understand guys most are the ones who have a lot of guy friends but a lowly dating life. You get an insider's view and an insight that isn't *too* muddled by hormones and emotions. Though college boys are slightly friendlier, in high school, I had one boyfriend for a month. That's it. I found guys largely immature for dating (though I was friends with a lot) and though I was sociably affable, I was smart & focused on school, which scared high school boys. I think being of Muslim background - though I'm now a deist- did it too! My high school was unhelpfully in the conservative South.
The “Go read this” link isn’t there…, arg!
saw that too
Fixed. Sorry about that, the link got mangled.
you rock, thanks, sweet read too!
My hero!
i was like that too,still am, was never the girl with a long list of boyfriends. he's right, if you are happy with your life, who cares. i have a t shirt that says "single and fabulous" so enjoy it, that's what life is about. it's not going to be a famine forever, because once guys in their 20's go through their sowing oats phase, they start to look for women just like you. i know what you mean about how it scares guys though, cuz there are the type that want to be your biggest priority. just remember thats their shit, not yours. you know what your life wants to look like, that's attractive and so it will only be a matter of time before you attract the kind of dating life you want and deserve. toning it down is a good idea, but difficult for women that have worked so hard to get to a certain point, because despite how progressive our society has become, we will always need to fight to rise above our male peers. and i am guessing you are early in the career stages and this is even more important for you. it's true, balancing the toning down while remaining confident is difficult, but like MM said, it just takes practice. dont worry about making mistakes, thats the only way you are going to figure it out anyway. good luck!
thanks everyone for your thoughts on my question! i think anyone who wants to share their life with someone worries at one point or another that they'll never find love. i've had many first dates, work with all men, and have a lot of male friends. i very rarely have chemistry with anyone, and i've been burned by everyone i was ever interested in, even when taking things slowly. generally, i like creative types that are near my age, so i think that's a factor, but those are the guys i have the most in common with. it's just hard to find someone who is creative, has character, and is emotionally mature and honest:/ i would rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel alone, so i guess it will just take time and practice, and i'll try to "tone it down." thanks again!
" i would rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel alone.."
that is really the worst feeling in the world and you're absolutely right that's it better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone. you'll find someone who makes you feel incredibly special.. good luck :)
Keep to your standards. I sort of implied that, but never explicitly stated it.
"it's just hard to find someone who is creative, has character, and is emotionally mature and honest:/" that's sort of the plight of like...the world lol it IS hard, but they are out there, and MM right again, biggest mistake is dipping below the standard line it does nothing but serve up regret. we generate the results we think we deserve, so go for it.
i would like to thank you for your question...I'm 26 and I'm in the exact same boat, and sometimes, with everyone around me seemingly engaged or having babies, I feel like such a loser and/or that I will be forever alone. It helps to hear that other people are in the same boat...gives me hope for the future and helps me to not worry about it. It will happen, when it happens, without me having to lower my standards. Good luck to you in the future :)
I am pretty much in the same boat. Just yesterday I was driving to work, thinking, why are all my favorite people boys? All my good friends right now are guys. And yet somehow I'm in the latter-20s and still boyfriendless. I couldn't help getting hung up on the idea that there has to be something wrong with me. But good friends at work recently mentioned over drinks one night that they wonder from time to time why it is that I don't have a boyfriend. I blathered on something about being worried I'd disappoint them, etc. .. I'm not really sure what I thought, and I was startled and a little embarrassed by the question. Why DIDN'T I have a boyfriend? Was it so apparent that it was a conversation topic between my friends when I wasn't around? That drove me crazy. But my buddy cut me off and said, no, it's not that I'm worried I'd disappoint them. It's that I'm too self-interested. He didn't mean it in a narcissistic way, but a focused, self-aware way.
That made sense. Thing is, it didn't really make me feel much better. As the story goes, this same buddy has, over the last year or so, expressed some serious feelings for me, and has drunkenly acted on them numerous times, although he is in a serious relationship with another girl so it's obviously a no-go area. It was a bizarre confidence booster to know that this guy really, really liked me -- even though timing isn't right, it was an eye-opener to know someone thought about me as more than a friend.
Turns out that my best friend has had feelings for me all along, too. Crazy how that works. Not that that's going to go anywhere, but after all those years, to find out this guy you love has been in love with you -- that's kind of a big deal.
It may seem silly, but I actually started wondering if I was psychologically tilted, or emotionally stunted somehow, in order to have gone this long without having a relationship. But there was moving from college to college and traveling and my art and friends and family -- all good things, nothing bad -- that had me focused on those things, rather than considering any sort of settling into a relationship. I went out on a few dates and could always tell from the very start that they were looking for something entirely different than what I felt capable of giving at the time.
But that was at the time and times are always changing. I'm really happy I stumbled across this question and all the comments. I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one in this "situation", or non-situation. I imagine that as my focus and wants/needs in life continue to change and unfold, it will become clear what I'm looking for, and I suppose that goes for other gals as well.
Thanks ;D
Why don't men like confident women? That is so depressing.
If you want to breed for the best possible offspring, why not improve yourself so that you're not intimidated by women that are "too together"? Just a thought.
It’s not that men don’t want confident men…, they don’t want to appear less confident. A self worth thing I guess.
That was me too! only had one serious relationship but it was never really love. At age 28, I never fell in love with anyone and I didn't mind because Single is Fabulous... then, one day, something clicked in me and I told myself: "Single is fabulous but I need to experience the emotional roller coaster that comes with falling in love or else, my life is way too plain and simple". So, I went out there and in less than a month, found myself the love of my life (been together and living together for 2 year strong and still feeling the same happiness). The moral of the story is: when you are ready and you truly are ready, it will come.
Cheesy but the saying "ask and you shall receive" is really true.
i can totally see myself in the same boat with you. tho im in my early 20s, but i dont feel like ill be too interested in a relationship any time soon, but it comes and i feel right, im not gunna say no to it. people constantly a me why i dont have a bf! i just feel so pressured to have one now. its really annoying and not healthy. im definitely gunna focus on my career for the next few years and i dont wanna go through the whole boyfriend drama and emotional roller coster stage. so i assume ppl gunna keep asking me. but life is just hard, its hard to find a balance with work, friends, family and love. we will all just have to prioritize.gl to all of us.
it is somewhat disheartening to see so many fabulous single gals chiming in "me too! me too!" echoed here. are there no guys left that can appreciate a damn good thing when they've got it? i am disheartened.
Like they said... Men are like toilets. They are either occupied or out of order.
lmao epic. musta missed that one somewhere. why do i suddenly feel the need to go into the bumper sticker business lol