Always handle questions with the truth and when you feel comfortable answering. You owe that to yourself. His feelings, curiousity or opinions simply do not come into it.
Still, second date is, to me, way too early for details. You are still getting to know each other and both putting your best foot forward. Neither of you know if this is going to be a bit of light fun or something much more serious yet.
I know I am giving you an out here, but If he asks, simply tell him that you'd rather not talk about that abusive b*stard just yet. Say that and the questions will be postponed indefinitely if he is any sort of man at all.
Not going to lie to you, that isn't my job. Some guys will get freaked out regardless. You don't want them. Some will get into a rage on your behalf. They are a lot better partners.
The best, though, are the ones who accept it and support you intelligently, which means talking about it with him at some stage.
Well done for thinking it over in advance.
"The best, though, are the ones who accept it and support you intelligently, which means talking about it with him at some stage."
Thank you. I've had men deal with my past all kinds of different ways. This is the only one that works.
It is the only way that should be used at all. Sadly, some guys are not that mature.
Though I will say one thing in defense of some guy's approach to this - guys like to fix things. Identify the problem and solve it - it is pretty much hardwired into us. Sometimes we guys (yes, me included) forget that gals are not just things to be repaired.
We get so caught up in "fixing" a problem, that we lose sight of the respect and dignity owed to another human being. A gentle reminder, or a metaphorical smack on the nose, works wonders.
i was pretty quiet about my past and the reason why i ended my marriage for a very long time to everyone. when my big brother, his male friends or cousins, or even my male friends "found out" about what had been going down for 10 years i got, and still get (as he is still quite a douche to me), a lot of "offers" to help me take care of things. So I see your point entirely, it is kind of hardwired into men to do that, but women find that attractive! lol I so appreciate your honest perspective, thank you!
great answer MM.
also , i have to say congrats for the asker, walking away from an abusive relation takes courage, and am so happy you are moving on.. way to go !! :)
I had a very abusive up bringing on many levels and have done a lot of work on myself. When I get asked personal questions about my past early in the dating scene I say calmly with confidence, "I had challenges growing up (or whatever your situation is) as have many. I am happy to share more personal things with you once I get to know you better. Smile and change the subject or ask a silly question. The guys are typically respectful and I move the conversation back to fun and up beat.
thank you MM for your kind words and shoot from the hip answer, this is exactly what I needed to hear. and thank you as well from the kind commenters, the support and advice is so appreciated. have read all of them over and over again, I'm quite excited about the date but this is the one issue that is still making me nervous, though now, not as much, and I am grateful. this will be my first second date in four years "since" so it's a pretty big step for me, but am going into it thinking that no matter what happens, this step is a success in itself for me in moving on, so I'm sooooo excited about that. I know how close this issue is to many of your faithful readers, I will be happy to post an update following our lunch date Sunday : )
Well?
Awaiting update here!
You don't HAVE to post, of course, but a guy does like to know the outcomes sometimes! That is one of the frustrating parts of this job!
crap! i thought i HAD! techno difficulties i guess. so sweet to ask, MM thank you and thank you for your advice, you were right all across the board. now you have that in writing from one woman, use that as you may...
date started with the potential to make the worst ever list, but turned around. the mayor of doucheville screwed up my scheduling by changing pickup plans for our son at the last minute, making me drive an extra hour the opposite direction of my date, who was already 2 hours away. so i was three hours late when i arrived, very cranky and evidently on the verge of tears. but my date waited, and was great. he told me if he had known he would have brought the date to me. this issue then was obviously at the forefront of our date, and reasonably the first question asked "so what is that all about anyway". i just sighed and tried to joke it off, saying i wasnt sure how much info he wanted, but that he made mel gibson look like a patron saint of a holy faith. and you were right! he immediately whipped out his iphone and asked who he needed to call to make his life a living hell. i said, nobody. yet. but that's hot. a glass of wine and a fireplace appeared magically and the date then moved towards a forerunner for the best ever list. i will be seeing him again very soon.
thank you again MM so much for your kindness mixed with candour, it certainly gave me a lot more confidence going in. and to all of the commenters as well, so grateful. there may be more questions down the road but for now i am just enjoying the moment :)
I got one thing to say.
:D
thanks :)
thanks :)