You are coming from a bad place here, having a history of being cheated on. You might want to take a close look at the sort of guys you have been seeing. Of course, it could just be they are young, as I assume you are (under 25, say, though more likely under 21). Guys mature emotionally a lot slower than gals (it seems too frequently never), so it might just be that he didn't think before opening his piehole.
But, lets dig a bit.
Did he just lie, or did he cheat? That is the important question. If he cheated on you - walk, he'll probably do it again. If it was just a lie ..
What was the lie about? Something minor or something major? Minor includes stuff that he might find embarrassing to admit in front of you, including money worries. Guys hate to look bad, so you need to think of the context of the lie. But you need to decide if the lie was minor or major. I can't. The readers here can't. Your friends can't. Only you can. But I will suggest that if it was a major lie, you walk.
Rebuilding your trust, well, you got that exactly the wrong way 'round. You don't do a damned thing. It is his job to show you, not tell you, that you can trust him still. Give him the chance, if you wish, but don't go helping him out the hole he dug himself into. Toss him a rope of your tolerance and let him climb out on his own. He'll not learn, otherwise. If the guy really loves you, and wants to make it work, he'll prove himself. And remember forgiveness does not mean you automatically trust him again. Make that very, very clear.
As to what you say to him, if you wish to - well, what you just told me would work pretty effectively on most half way decent guys.
Also wanted to ask if this lie was in the pattern of other lies? I once dated a guy I noticd tell white lies to everyone around him. Personally I couldn't deal with dating a liar... I would never have been secure and would have always wondered whether I could trust him. If it was a small lie one time I probably would forgive if everything else is on good terms.
Second to the last paragraph - wonderfully said. :)
i third that....
"You don't do a damned thing. It is his job to show you, not tell you, that you can trust him still"
"And remember forgiveness does not mean you automatically trust him again. Make that very, very clear."
THIS
it doesn't matter if a man is 25 or 105---a liar, a cheat, a thief, who in their right mind wants that--also, why settle??? there's whole huge world out there of good mature men--emotionally mature is what u want--not a player--a hole is a hole--find another eel 4 ur cave!!!!!
MM thank you so much for answering my question! I'm a bit embarassed to admit that I'm 28 and he's 36. My last boyfriend was abusive and cheated and it all started with little lies so I'm having a really hard time figuring out where to draw the line between acceptable "white" lies and the bigger lies.
Your advice is very helpful though. He didn't lie to me about cheating, it was about something he knows I don't like him doing (going out to the bar with his friends and not responding to my texts). First, let me say that I worry about that because of past boyfriends cheating. Also, I only texted him twice and then gave up.
Anyways, I do need him to show me that I can trust him and we've talked about all that. I'm not really expecting much, but I'm willing to give him a couple of weeks to make me feel secure again.
Again, THANK YOU!
Good. You talk to him.
As lies go, that one is fairly minor (from a guy perspective - last time I did that, I was AWOL for 3 days). Annoying, yes, but pretty much every guy kicks over the traces and goes on a tear once in a while. Now he knows why it upsets you, he'll be decent about it, so he shouldn't be in the doghouse for more than a few weeks.
Like you, he needs a bit of space at times. The lying part is totally wrong and has to be dealt with, but the needing space part is not - that is simply him being human.
Try agreeing a day when he can be out with his friends, and you out with yours. If you are out on the town without him, you can bet your life he'll be texting or calling every hour!
This really answered my problem, thank you!