Wait, skip the whole presents thing for a second and explain to me, in words of one syllable, why are you paying for his damned food? Is he incapable of buying and preparing said foodstuffs? Or does he just think the two food groups are beer and burritos and you want him to eat better?
Cut that sh*t out now!
Geez, have some damned self respect here - and I say that as a guy who's lady is, embarrassingly for me, the major breadwinner of the family. (Not the major bread baker - my bread is far, far superior to hers.) What the hell are you doing here, buying affection? Let the idle bugger starve.
Look, I know poor. Raised that way, and a distinct shortage of cash is a semi permanent condition in this household. There is no shame in that. In the words of the old joke, "God must really love poor people, he made so many of them." But the guy could have some grace about it.
If you want to stick with him for some perverse reason of your own, you take all bar one of his presents back, get a refund or a store credit, and spend it on yourself.
He won't listen, so show him his crap won't fly with you.
I agree with your tough love, MM, but oh, it's so hard! My guy can't think further than his feet so if I don't stock my fridge with good healthy food... and mention it... and finally offer to cook it, he will either offer to order a pizza or take me out for a burger. We spend most our time at my place so this is not a treat. It has become a real concern for both my wallet and my health.
To the questioner, changing YOUR behavior may not change HIS behavior and may drive him away, perhaps simply due to his discomfort. I've been there before and am there again. But if there's one thing I've learned it's that no one on the outside knows what goes on behind closed doors, what feeds your fire, whether what you gain outweighs the sacrifice. So choose your battles carefully, with an open heart, and explore if and why you want him around in the first place.
Good lord, he doesn't help with the shopping? Thinks the fridge produces it or something?
When I was stopping at a girlfriends house for the weekend, or a couple days during the week, I always bought food, no matter how tight the budget was. And tell him to up his game - going out for a meal should be more than a burger!
Second paragraph of your comment though - you have a very appropriate name.
This isn't something I would do. Buying groceries for someone else is not my responsibility. Feeding myself is. And it is rude to bring food for oneself but not others. So if I'm visiting and bringing food, then yes, I'd order enough or bring enough for the both of us. But restocking her fridge because it ran out of milk or something is still her job, not mine.
Chill out guys - so she buys the food - maybe he pays for electricity - maybe he pays council tax or water charges while she doesn't? Certainly in my house it is split like this - i pay food - he pays bills. This is the arrangement we have come to because of our differing salaries. I also buy and cook 90% of the food but he does 90% of the cleaning. We do what we're good at. I wouldn't expect a visitor to bring their own food to my house nor would I feel obliged to bring food to a visitors house - even if it was my BF's house! If your forking out for more than you can afford and he's eating half then ASK him for the money. Save your receipts, work out how much you spend monthly and both of you put money in each month for groceries. If he argues that he doesn't usually buy the sort of food that you buy then provide him with a list of things you or him can cook (what he prefers/what you prefer) - buy the ingredients each week for those things - agree on that and then he has no argument not to give you money.
I don't think it's wrong to set a budget for christmas presents - but the way he worded it (if he worded it like that) - is wrong.
A present is a present - to throw up the argument of who pays this who pays that over how big your present is - it's really.... crass (and not in the spirit of christmas i might add). Much more a separate issue and argument.
You buy most of his food? What, exactly, does he spend money on?
yep. what he said. this is another one of those situations that isn't going to get better with time unless or until you call it out any more than your fridge is going to fill up on its own or your christmas tree is going to sprout presents on its own either. he sounds like he doesn't deserve the presents you got him, seriously that dude would be on the naughty list in my books. the only christmas miracle this dude needs is a harsh reality slap. read the sentence about self respect again, honey. MM is right, there is no shame in poor, but respect is priceless and somethin money just cant buy. and sounds like he's not even giving you THAT.
That guy sounds like a friggin' jerk. This seems like another question that should be added to WA's blog where he answered every one with "RUN!"
You don't deserve to be treated like that. >:(
Are you his GF or his Mom? Tell him you don't want to adopt his ass and therefore you've spent enough on him too.
laughed my arse off to that one. brilliant.
Saying that you can't afford to buy Christmaspresent this year is fine, in my book. It happens to the best of us. However, the statement "I've already spent enough on you" is extremely dickish, and indicates that there's a lot more wrong in this relationship than just lack of funds. Just my 2 cents.
I have to agree with Fran. I would love to hear what others think because this part did not seem to truly be addressed. His saying "I already spent enough on you" to me indicates to quote a movie I watched once "You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting" I personally believe that is what he was saying. I have spent as much as you are worth to me. I, personally, wanna be with someone who feels there is absolutely no price on how much I am worth to him because I am priceless. You should want the same thing, I don't know how much he spent on you and don't care, it is to him what you are worth in dollar amounts, you tell me do you agree with him that is how much you are worth?