Anyone can have a clean slate. Tisn't easy, but it is doable. But lets look at things.
You screwed up. We all do - if being an adult was easy, there'd be no such thing as psychiatrists, Prozac or lawyers. The question is exactly how badly did you screw up?
There are very few unfixable screw ups. Some, you can make amends. Some, you have to actually apologise. And some you have to live with. But, gonna let you into a little secret here.
Your harshest judge is normally you.
A short tale. Years ago, I wronged a woman, through thinking I was wronged myself and being young, arrogant and very, very dumb. Not some casual woman, but one I knew well, who was a family friend and I saw frequently. It bugged me. A lot. More and more as time passed.
Eventually I apologised to her for the whole thing. She didn't even remember the incident.
Friends expect you to screw up - thats what friends are for, to help pick up the pieces when you finally notice. Men - well some are a little more forgiving than others, depends on exactly what you did. Academics? You didn't hurt them. You screwed yourself.
And that is the nub of it. The only person you are screwing is yourself. Every damned time. Try to fix things and you will screw yourself again and again, even if you never screw up others again, because you will go too far in the opposite direction.
Think.
You are a good person, well as good as anyone ever is. That I can tell - seen your comments and questions, even though I ain't replied to you yet (I don't think, on the wrong computer to check, but my memory is rarely wrong). You want to "be better."
Why not just be you?
It's OK. Honest.
As long as you never make the same mistake twice, and apologise properly for your mistakes - you get a clean slate.
Like I said - not easy. Easier to move and get new friends to screw up.
Or you could stop worrying about screwing up and concentrate on actually living. Forgive yourself for being human, in other words.
You are the only one that can do that.
forgive yourself for being human, awesome. just asking the question is a great first step i thought. i heard "unwritten" in my head reading the question, today is where your book begins. we all screw up. and yeah, clean the slate but you will screw up again. so? we all will. it is how you deal with it that really does make the difference. another really great answer, all yall are on fire tonight lol
I used to believe the statement, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Here is what I've learned, plain and simple...either you learn from your mistakes or you repeat them, over and over....Do you wanna be "that girl?"
I believe everyone can change (make a new page), especially if they want to. And you seem to want to. Change takes time. We make mistakes simply because we have to. In order to grow, change and become better people. Chances are your mistakes are not as bad as you believe them to be. But if they are, and you do your best to avoid making them again, then you will still have learned from them. If you apologize and try to attone for them it shows you are trying to change. The biggest rub, in my opinion, is that the people you wronged don't have to forgive you. And that hurts. But they have that right. You will learn to be stronger, and forgive yourself for your wrongs. Mystery Man is right, in all, the only person you're screwing is you. But if you can learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes (and you may still make plenty, no matter how much you try not to) and learn from them, you will be a better person and have that new page you so desire.
MM, I love what you said, I sorta needed this too, in a similar position myself..
:) thanks
Hi, MM! I asked that right around graduation. I was thinking about the past several months and the unknown future with a lot of things (still am) and how it all related together, whether or not I really screwed up my future irrevocably. A LOT of this was on my mind so I really appreciate you taking the time to write and answer to me and also to anyone else dealing with the same thing.
But to answer your questions in case you're curious and update you on my outlook:
The men: I didn't hurt anyone except my reputation (in my eyes more than anyone else), but people still treat me pretty much the same. Fun while it lasted but sometimes not, and I don't feel like I have a red letter sewn into my clothing anymore. I learned some important lessons, learned a lot from my mistakes. I'm putting it behind me and I'm thankful that there aren't irrevocable consequences!
The academics: were my bad in how they turned out, I know. Nothing I can do now except use the next year or two to do other things that will make me a more desirable candidate for grad school. Difficult to let go of regrets but I'm starting (with difficulty) to accept that it doesn't help. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, it's in the past.
The friends: this where I screwed up majorly. Almost lost my best friend through conflict and mutual misunderstandings. Neglected some others that I have. Luckily I'm getting another chance with these people and I've really learned not to take that for granted. Super painful lesson, but I've got the chance to fix it now and I'm really grateful about it.
Anyway, my clean slate is essentially my summer project. And to be honest it's tough and I'm kind of hating it but I know it'll be worth it. Thanks again for the words!!
You have done nothing badly wrong.
Nothing to beat yourself up over too badly.
Nothing unfixable.
So get fixing it :)