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Mystery Man

 
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MM, please help.. I'm 19 y/o, and seem unable to stay into a guy for long, especially once I see that the guy really likes me. Part of me blames having high standards, but then I also think there's something wrong with me (commitment phobia?), bc I'm stupidly passing up really great guys. How do I know the difference?

I answered a very similar question just last week (go read it, once you are finished here), so would normally have skipped this one, but there is a point here I really want to raise

You have, as we say around these parts, a really bad case of the sh*t scareds. If I tell you you have a bad case of Commitorum Metus, does it make you feel better?

It shouldn't, 'cause I ain't your doctor and dislike playing one on the internet. Commitment phobia is a real thing, which should be properly diagnosed by a professional, not looked up on WebMD.
That happens more and more often nowadays, with the wealth of information available on the net, though it was happening at the turn of the last century, as this story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle shows.
Aspergers, Autism, Dyslexia, Social Anxiety Disorder, various Phobias and Allergies - all now fashionable things that people are only too happy to self diagnose, then use as a crutch and an excuse for them not to change their behavior one bit.

Shyness and fear are far more common reasons for panicking and running, getting you the reputation among the guys of being a c*cktease. No one likes to be afraid, so you dig out excuses to justify yourself.
If there is actually something wrong with you - get off your backside, get it diagnosed and get it treated. If there isn't, then come back and ask again, and I can give you suggestions.

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6 Comments

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She's 19, fer chrissakes. She SHOULD have commitment phobia.

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No, it's a combo of high standards and low self-esteem. See, what happens is you like a guy and think, "Oh wow, he's awesome. But he's so awesome he couldn't possibly go for me." Then, he does, and you ask yourself, "Wait, self. Maybe if he could be into someone as not awesome as you, then maybe he's not as awesome as you thought." You then move on to someone else you like who seems "above" you in your mind, and it's only when they're not interested that you stick around. Stop. It's not healthy, and it's a vicious cycle.

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I am not kidding but this describes me so perfectly. I'm the girl from the other question and I realized this is why I nit-pick --->
"Oh wow, he's awesome. But he's so awesome he couldn't possibly go for me." Then, he does, and you ask yourself, "Wait, self. Maybe if he could be into someone as not awesome as you, then maybe he's not as awesome as you thought."
A guy asked me on a date and I wasn't going bc of these issues but after reading this I'm deciding to stop the cycle and go for it.

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That reminds me of that ol' Groucho Marx comment "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

nikitamaagel

I used to be like this. I canceled dates at the last minute, I would flirt with guys and then bail as soon as they were interested. I didn't know how I was supposed to act with them, and I was scared of making a fool out of myself.
I changed simply because I got older. It might be due to some problems with your dad, shyness and lack of experience, and hopefully you'll grow out of this with time. I only got fully confident around 22.

SimplyLaurel

Rant mode: On

Ugh, I hate it when people pull the Asperger's card! Partly because I know how overly-diagnosed and self-diagnosed it is, and partly because my best friend growing up was diagnosed with it. She once told me herself never to let people use Asperger's as an excuse for rude behavior, especially is they persist with the behavior after it's been pointed out to them as rude, and especially if they don't apologize IMMEDIATELY. Asperger's can make it difficult to predict what behaviors/actions may offend someone; it has nothing to do with apathy towards offending people or the inability to tell if people are already offended. People like to use it as an excuse, and, as MM said, a crutch.

Rant mode: Off

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