Breathe, idiot.
Let me introduce you to a wee friend of mine: ADRRESS.
Analyze,
Diagnose
Repair/Replace
tESt
Start again
Works for everything from a faulty relationship to a clogged fuel pump - the WD-40 and Duct Tape of problem solving.
Analyze - you are unhappy/upset.
Diagnose - why exactly are you unhappy/upset?
Repair/Replace - is the problem fixable with the tools you have on hand, or do you need to get a new guy?
Test - did the RR work?
Start Again - re-analyze the problem.
You see, I cannot answer your problem. Only you can.
wow, thank you for this
brilliant acronym MM. fear of being alone is the worst reason to stay with someone and a much lonelier life than you think. trust me when i say i know. you've already said as much yourself by saying you are more upset than you are not. relationships are supposed to make your life better, not worse. go through that acronym but it is only going to work if you are HONEST. he was a stranger to you once too. that proves, you know how to meet people. you deserve happy too, you know.
Why did you call her an idiot!??!?! Uncalled for.
Not gonna lie, the idiot thing was kind of harsh. I've been going through a lot and he's been there for me through that, but he hasn't been stepping up in other ways. He's been acting really immature and not like the person I'd want to be with in the long run, but I'm not sure if I should wait it out a while longer and see if he just needs to get the hang of being on his own, or move on. I have a lot of problems with depression and anxiety and have had the same friends for a long time, so now I'm not sure how to make new ones that I can be comfortable sharing this info with. If we break up and I have these issues from the breakup, I don't want to be in the middle of nowhere with no one to talk to about it, since he's been the one to help me out here. It doesn't feel like we're as close as we used to be and I don't feel like we're moving forward towards marriage or something because we're missing a lot of things I'd want in that sort of relationship. It feels like we hang out more because of habit than because we enjoy it. It's just very lacking and not enjoyable anymore.
I went through the ADDRESS thing, and I keep getting stuck on the Repair/Replace. I'm just not sure because I do still love him a lot. I just feel like we have a lot of distance between us at the same time though.
my two cents are if you are getting stuck at repair and replace then, that's because you can't fix it and are just too afraid to acknowledge that. if you ask for half a loaf, nobody's gonna give you a whole one instead. you deserve a whole one.
I do think MM's words were harsh, but I would have to agree that moving to a different state to go to college with your boyfriend while not knowing anyone else was a recipe for disaster. It's been said a million times, for good reasons--never, EVER base your decision about what college to attend on a guy.
Of course, it's too late now, so the only practical advice I can give you is to not worry about guys for a second and focus on making friends. If I were you, I'd stay with the boyfriend for the time being, seeing as how you don't want to sever ties with your one connection. It's a tricky situation you've gotten into, but not one that's impossible to get out of. You said you still love him, so maybe whatever problems you have can be fixed. But the fact that he's your only relationship leads me to believe that this is just a security thing for you. College is about broadening your horizons and finding out what you really want in life, not sticking with the exact same things you've always known and are comfortable with. My life has changed tremendously since high school. Not all of those changes have been good, but most of them have. And I never would have had most of the experiences I've had if I hadn't gone through that trial-by-fire of being thrown into a new environment without a safety net such as a best friend or bf.
Best of luck.
You are getting stuck on RR. Why?
Probably because you really want out. Being on your own in a strange place is scary. Not worth keeping a dead relationship for though, and yours is dead. Deceased. Ceased to be viable. Those start to stink after a while, and no amount of Febreeze hides the smell.
And the idiot thing? Of course it was harsh. Yet it made you get indignant and look squarely at your problem. I tell the truth, but am also a sneaky, cynical sod who uses any tool at his disposal. Pretty much why you asked me.
Haha that IS why I asked you. I think I'm going to try to work on meeting some new people and getting some more friends here. I'll probably keep things as they are for a little bit and try to work on things with him. After a month or so, I should have some support and be able to re-evaluate things and see if I'm really ready to take that step, since I've never had to do anything like this before. It's just so weird really loving someone but knowing that you aren't right for each other. I guess it's time though :b
Thanks for your answer and for all the comments!
yeah seriously, actually i guess my two cents for the night just got upped to five, i was just in the car for a bit and...out of the freakin blue your comment came back to me. i don't know why it did but it did. you know, i was attacked as well for calling something someone that someone ELSE didn't like this week, so i was really trying not to rock the boat. but your comment came back to me as i was driving back home from literally talking someone off the ledge. she's bipolar, a friend of the family, there's been a huge family divide though and until tonight, hadn't seen her in over 6 mos and this past was the first christmas we didnt see her in 30 years. she got mad because i didn't show up with a latte like i 'usually did'. well, after i figured out what medication combo she was on, i said, i know that you know that my loyalties are seriously divided just by being here, what the hell do you want from me? you're not going to bring me here to talk you off the ledge without a little freaking perspective. if you want more of my time wasted over this, here is how it is going to turn out. i am leaving now and i will be home in 20 minutes after which in any 72 minute period after that i will give you that time for as long as i need to after that. i wiill leave my business card on this table, and i will be the one they will call first. i will handle everything. the body, the insurance, the phone calls, i will find a place for your daughter to stay a few days, the notifications, all of the hospital paperwork...all of it, i will tell them that when they call. that's when you will get the rest of your time with me tonight. but you will not waste it not right now. it will either be then, or you can call me in the morning and we will do breakfast like big girls and talk about it. but it won't be now. you do not get to complain about the help because it didn't arrive as pretty as you wanted it to. call me in the morning.
i just needed to tell you that story to reiterate MM's own words, if you still insist on looking at the smaller picture. forget the half a loaf thing, i just don't think that's going to be it either for you. OP, you really shouldn't complain about the help just because it didn't come with a latte and the hug that you wanted. he's free to call anybody anything, should i say we all are or would that be a little redundant for me this week? lol i'm just saying, maybe you placed your order in the wrong restaurant? READ the menu. that's EXACTLY why you asked him. you just didn't like it. when you get a rare steak in the restaurant, but it's not "your rare". it's rare, but not yours. what are you going to do, complain because they cooked it right? maybe look at the bigger picture and find out why he called you that, and took the time to offer you help and then maybe the light bulb will go on, rather than slamming him for not bringing a latte when he did. what is it that YOU want. you need to be specific, with YOUR SELF. and you need to be honest what you want out of your life and be specific as possible and order it as specifically as possible or it's just never going to be your right rare steak. the truth is, there just never is going to be a guardian angel, or a white knight, or a prophetic spirit moving into your life to change it and work it into this nice pretty successful ball of happy. if you want to change your life, you have to put your big girl pants on, and CHANGE. IT. you are stuck on repair/replace for a reason, and you DON'T know why? oh yes you do. i was born at night, but it wasn't last night. don't waste anybody's time if you don't yet have the insight to realize that you might just be your own worst enemy on this one.
Chrissie, that was more like like a couple of dollars! lol
lolol yeah, i guess it kinda was.
This reminds me of a Jane Austen quote. "All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one, you need not covet it) is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone."
Women have this cursed ability to love an undeserving man LOOOONG after the relationship is over, or should have been over. If you can understand rationally that the relationship is not good for you, then it is essentially over and you just have to admit it to yourself. You can't hang on hoping that he will change or mature because you have absolutely no assurance that he will. You are young and realizing what most of us realized after bringing our high school relationships with us to college: people change so much in that passage to adulthood that more likely than not, two people who were compatible in high school will grow to be incompatible in college.
The time and effort you are spending worrying about your bad relationship is time and effort that you could be spending adjusting to college on your own and making friends. Everyone goes through the experience of feeling alone when you move away from home, and plenty of people (myself included) had trouble making new friends. But at the end of the day, you just have to suck it up and put yourself out there. I mean, even if you can make your relationship work, you STILL have to put yourself out there and make new friends. This is especially true for someone who is depressed/anxious because the level of support you need can't be found in one person, even if your relationship with that person is fine. The college environment has so many opportunities for meeting new people. Join a club, sorority, or even just get to know the people in your classes or in your dorm. Stop worrying about resurrecting your relationship with your boyfriend and work on building friendships.
After all my ramblings I will leave you with this. It is your decision what to do with your relationship, but I am guessing you will come to realize it is best for you to end it. However, either way you decide, the making new friends part is non-negotiable. To me that seems like the most important point to make.