I say it is a big deal. What has made you two friends for 16 years? Surely in part it must be a common approach to life, people, and relationships.
My question to you is: has this best friend of yours changed recently? Is this friendship with your abusive ex the only thing that stands out as odd with her these days? My sense is, if she can justify being cool with a guy that had a history of beating on you physically and mentally, there's a shift in her.
Of course I don't know the full details. Perhaps this ex is a dear friend of hers too and she is helping him rehab his destructive ways? But barring that, you have a right to feel hurt and disrespected by your friend's choice to belittle your feeling on the matter and continue hanging with this dude.
The advice: plainly explain the situation once more to her. If she still doesn't make a mental shift, tell her you need space from her. You need to spend time with people who bolster your self esteem and are supportive. She is not in the same category as your ex, but she isn't someone that sees things the way you do.
with friends like that, who needs enemies. it's better to actually not have friends than have friends like that. i dont care about the 16 years thing. abuse scars last forever sometimes in even the healthiest people, she should be helping you heal them by supporting you and not rubbing salt in them. honestly. so sorry for you and good luck.
yeah that sucks. you better believe that if someone beat up my best friend, he'd find himself accidentally dead before he'd find himself my friend. I don't know what her deal is, but I'm sorry-- I know it's hurtful. I hope you are able to grieve her friendship and move on. You deserve better.
Just wanna say that I was in a similar situation, from the friend's point of view... although, my friend's ex never /physically/ abused her.
As it happens, I went to school with her ex (we were in classes together and were already working on several small group projects together) and he also happened to live with my boyfriend at the time. So, I had to see him almost every day, had several mutual friends and was always put into social situations with him. It's not that I was supporting the way he'd treated her, but it would've been very difficult to avoid him... so we remained more distant friends.
I am not condoning her friend's actions and, had there been physical abuse involved, I would have had a different reaction... I just wanted to point out that it may be more difficult for this girl's friend to stop seeing this guy as the question suggests.
Thanks for answering and the comments! Unfortunately, you can't really give details with only 250 characters so I'll explain more. The guy doesn't even hang around ANY of our friends. He is recently divorced (imagine that) so we have been seeing him out somewhat frequently unfortunately. They were never good friends. EVER. He had a horrible drug problem and she hated that I was with him, to say the least. She knows how badly he treated me. She was there every time I was crying all beat up on my bathroom floor. That's why I don't get it?? She should hate him as much as I do!!!! I wrote her an email explaining to her VERY clearly why it bothers me. She got defensive and said "sorry I'm nice. I was spoken to I speak back. It was 5 yrs ago and you have moved on. Live in the moment" etc etc....wow did that make me mad!!!! It doesn't matter if it was 2 hrs ago or 5 yrs ago. Time doesn't make what he put me through "okay", and it has nothing to do about me not being over him. He is my past and does not need to know ANYTHING about me and my immediate life now, which includes her. Her being "cool" and friendly with him gives him all the more reason to think that what he did to me wasn't THAT bad or bad at all. I want NOTHING to do with him and she should have my back. I feel betrayed.
There is over 6.75 billion people in the world…, pick one as your new BF. Your odds of finding someone who gives a $h!T about your feeling are better that keeping the one you have. Best of luck.
Wow, your friend is all sorts of crazy. Right now, her "friendship" with your former abuser is more important than your relationship, which is utterly ridiculous. There is nothing you can do about this situation except walk away. It will take the same courage that you used to leave that abusive ex, but in the end, your life will be more peaceful for it. I am all for living in the moment, but ignoring the past, especially an extremely violent one at that, is not only irresponsible and immature, it is dangerous. Don't ask her questions, don't feel like you need to explain yourself- walk away from this relationship before it sucks you into a place you never wanted to be again.
I really appreciate all of the advice! She made me feel as if I was overreacting and that I was living "in the past", etc. That's not the case. I have moved on. I'm now with an amazing person that would give me the world! That doesn't make it "okay" for her to continue a so-called "friendship" with that douche. It still haunts me. I still think about it sometimes, unfortunately. I don't want to remember those years. I call them "the dark days". It was traumatizing to say the least. He was my past and needs to stay IN the past, not haunt my future. And I feel like if I let him sabotage my friendship with her, he will "win". Again.
I really appreciate all of the advice! She made me feel as if I was overreacting and that I was living "in the past", etc. That's not the case. I have moved on. I'm now with an amazing person that would give me the world! That doesn't make it "okay" for her to continue a so-called "friendship" with that douche. It still haunts me. I still think about it sometimes, unfortunately. I don't want to remember those years. I call them "the dark days". It was traumatizing to say the least. He was my past and needs to stay IN the past, not haunt my future. And I feel like if I let him sabotage my friendship with her, he will "win". Again.
She doesn't sound like a very good friend. I had a friend who was always flirting with my guy and when I told her I didn't like it she said I was just insecure and needed to get over it. I cut her out of my life.
If a friend can't be supportive of you, they are not a friend. You can do better.
All my friends decided to go hang with my ex when we split up because from the outside I appeared like the crazy one. I didn't tell anyone about most of the horrible things he did, because I wanted to be nice because he shared my friends, and then when I did, no-one really believed me because he's such a good friend, even if he is a lousy partner.
Sometimes it takes being on the inside to see what really happened, and your friend will probably never understand this unless it happens to her. You can either get behind that, or find someone a little more compassionate and understanding of your feelings.
All my friends decided to go hang with my ex when we split up because from the outside I appeared like the crazy one. I didn't tell anyone about most of the horrible things he did, because I wanted to be nice because he shared my friends, and then when I did, no-one really believed me because he's such a good friend, even if he is a lousy partner.
Sometimes it takes being on the inside to see what really happened, and your friend will probably never understand this unless it happens to her. You can either get behind that, or find someone a little more compassionate and understanding of your feelings.
I've also been in something somewhat similar from the friend's side. My friend and her ex were together for 3 years, during which time she broke up with him twice and got back together before leaving him for real. Her ex was friends with my boyfriend and I couldn't have avoided him had I wanted to. I didn't particularly want to, since I was friends with him in my own right. After their final breakup, my friend told me that her ex emotionally and sexually abused her. I heard a lot of their fights, heard a lot of the stories, and believe me, she wasn't nice to him, either. By the end they were just bringing out the worst in each other. Thanks to a huge misunderstanding compounded by a major offense on my part, my friend thought I chose him over her, but that was never my intent. I've told them both that I want them both as friends, and don't want to choose. It took a while for me to take myself out of the middle, but I have. Any remaining crap between them is their own.
Just for the record, had he physically abused her, my response would've been a bit different.
This would be exactly what happened to me, being the girlfriend, that is. Now, I genuinely don't mean to offend and am actually curious, but why does physical abuse rank higher/worse than emotional abuse to you? It does for a lot of people, and I don't understand why.
I always wondered the same, personally. As someone who was emotionally abused for many years, I've had a lot of people still rank that as being below physical abuse... But abuse is abuse... whether it's hitting or manipulating, it's damaging and painful.
I never said it was ranked higher? I think abuse IS abuse, no matter if it's physical, mental, or emotional; it's abuse. Words can hurt worse than a black eye. He was both. Neither is "better or worse" than the other.
Not you, JamieLee, I meant that to Esther. She said in her situation it would have been a completely different matter if it had been violent abuse, and I genuinely don't know why. I've been through both types of relationship and if I'm honest, I'd rather feel loved and put up with cuts and bruises than feel trapped, manipulated and half hated/half loved with pristine skin.
Wait, did you say he SEXUALLY ABUSED her? Major, major, major scary red flags here. That sounds to me like something seriously worth ending a friendship over.
(Why is nobody else reacting to this? This is freaking me out a little bit. ...Anyone else?)
Wow.
I agree with you! It's outrageous!!! Some psychologists believe that emotional and sexual abuse can be more damaging that physical abuse.
That being said, there is no type of abuse that is insignificant.
Since when is emotional and sexual abuse acceptable???
Thanks for taking up the question, Funny Guy. The time to answer, and to think about the answer you give means a lot.
Hey Mouse, Jamie Lee,
I think this may be the first time in a while (or ever) I've posted on this website.
You guys inspired me.
I walked away from an emotionally/sexually abusive relationship a little while ago. Then my friends thought I'd earned it because they only saw me screaming at him, and him crying about how his world was now destroyed. I'm too proud to cry to the world.
I thought that was what my friends were for.
The friend I told dismissed it because it wasn't physical abuse.
I want to know:
Where does sexual abuse stop and physical abuse begin?
Esther,
I'm sorry, the next bit is a bit incoherent, but I can't explain how angry and frustrated I am at your response in paragraphs.
Esther, please know:
I wish he'd hit me instead.
I would have known to walk away before the sexual abuse started.
I wish he'd hit me instead
because I used to wish I were ugly
(because then it wouldn't all be my fault)
I wish he'd hit me instead
I could have showed my friends
why I went crazy
I wish he'd hit me
because it would have hurt less
than having my best friend dismiss
what I said and remembered
what I'd lived and survived
because she only saw
that i went crazy
I've been in a similar situation; all of our mutual friends sided with him after he abused me. I never told them the details, but they knew there was sexual abuse involved. Eventually I just had to admit to myself that they were not worth it. And yes, trying to make a new group of close friends was hard, and I cried a lot, but after 2 years I finally feel like I have a real support system.
And honestly? Crying to your mother never hurts. As long as you don't wallow forever.