Let's run your question through the Wise-Ass Translator O' Truth (patent pending) and see what we get:
My bf broke it off so he could date other girls. He says he wants to be friends with benefits, someone he calls when he can't get a date or sex because he knows I will see/do him in futile hopes of rekindling our once-exclusive relationship. He said that he may want to get back together for occasional sex, but doesn't have time for the other aspects of a relationship--love, honesty, concern for my feelings--because he's all about the nookie right now. I know he isn't seeing anyone, at least not steadily, but I know he's out there wooing other women, which is probably why I don't hear from him for weeks at a time. I know he'll call me when he gets bored or lonely, then we'll catch up and screw, then off he will go for another month of silence while I wonder what happened.
Does that sound about right?
Now you know what is happening. Proceed accordingly.
if you're worth it to him, "not having enough time" isn't an issue. the truth hurts!
Well this sounds a heck of a lot like my situation. I'm still in the "futile hopes of rekindling our relationship" part. While he is not. I KNOW that I should forget about getting back together with him because I'm not a priority in his life, only an OPTION. Yeah I still hope one day he'll wake up and have a revelation blah blah blah, so many people in our situation do. The likely hood of that happening unfortunately is slim to none. I always say to myself in these situations "que sera sera"--what will be will be. Let things unfold. Don't get your hopes or expectations up. Live your life exactly how you want to without (or at least trying not to) worrying about whatever he's up to, especially in his weeks of disappearance. It is SO HARD. I myself am still struggling with this more than anything. I hope everything turns out well for you--even if that means you're finally content with the breakup or maybe finding a new guy who WILL have time for you. Que sera sera.
What if the guy legitimately doesn't have time for her? As in his school/work takes up so much time that it is as if he disappears for weeks before surfacing to catch up? My guy friend is an engineering student so he is so busy, he rarely gets the chance to talk to his gf. He feels bad because she doesn't deserve to be ignored like this, but he honestly doesn't have time to talk to her sometimes and it's hurting both of them. Wouldn't that be grounds for a breakup-that-might-get-back-together?
I go to school full time and work the days I'm not stuffed into a corner for school. Its hard but I still manage to at least talk to my SO once a day even if its just a text or late at night or early in the morning. If he "doesn't have time" he's either lying, to lazy to put forth an effort, or seriously needs some time management skills.
Yeah, I can relate. The last guy I dated is a triple engineering major with three jobs. Not kidding. He literally didn't have time to see me much at all, and I'm positive that he was telling the truth about that, but what Monica said rings true--a text takes all of 10 seconds.
I got sick of nagging him to text me. I mean, I felt like it was the LEAST he could do since he could hardly ever see me. The fact that he still wouldn't a lot of the time says that his head just isn't in relationship mode right now. And that's his prerogative, so at least he was nice enough to cut things off cleanly with me and not keep me in his back pocket.
To the original question-asker:
My advice is pretty obvious: stop letting him randomly drop back in on you. Next time he tries to call/text after a few weeks of non-existance, don't answer. He's not worth your time, and he knows exactly what he's doing, no matter how much he tries to sugar-coat it for you. He's keeping you on his hook, as a back-up plan.
oh how I love this answer. plain truth.
I was in the same situation too I still talk to my ex from time to time even though he was so rude to me and called me boring but I still held on to hope I need to let go of that hope and move on with my life but its so hard especially when they pop back up in your life wanting to just catch up. Love is an emotional rollercoaster I just don't understand why guys string girls along and can't be honest and up front???
Because they want the benefits but none of the responsabilities. I hate that I'm very aware of what they do but somehow still can't help myself.
ugh sooo true!
This is horrible. The silver lining is, you're not alone in this..... I, for one, am almost in the same situation, except that my ex will see me like once a week. It's usually a date that ends up with sex. I don't want to be the "girl he sleeps with once a week" but I don't want to lose him completely.... And I feel clingy when I try talking about it to him because he made it clear he didn't want a relationship anymore.
I feel like when you're in this situation you're a slave to your feelings. And you need to fall out of love before you are able to really act on this stupidly unfair situation.
Here's the thing though: how do you expect to ever fall out of love with this guy if you bone him once a week? You've got it backwards, girl. You don't need to fall out of love before leaving the situation, you need to get out of the situation first. Only when you put some distance between you will you start to slowly--and I do mean slowwwlllyyy--let go of him.
Though it may not always hold up, there is still something to be said about the old cliche, "out of sight, out of mind." You'll never get this guy out of your mind when you spend your entire week looking forward to seeing him. I know it's hard as hell, but it's not impossible. In the future, I suggest nipping it in the bud and never letting it get to the point that you're currently at. For example, I just essentially cut things off with a guy I was seeing for only a month because I could tell it wasn't going anywhere. Even though it hurt and I'll probably always wonder what might have happened, it's better than getting attached to a guy just in time for him to run out on you.
There's a reason why your ex is your ex. Let it go, you'll be glad you did.
I agree with you in theory, but you're talking about a one month relationship when this guy and I were together for over a year (it was pretty serious, too). You have to admit that it's harder to let go. It's like we're the pale copy of what we used to be and it's sad. I do appreciate the advice though.
No problem! And yeah, I definitely take into account the fact that your relationship was much more serious. The point I was trying to illustrate is that you have to be able to recognize when a relationship isn't going in the direction you want it to, no matter the time frame. And I can relate to your longer relationship too because my ex and I were together for almost a year, and I fell back into the habit of sleeping with him regularly. But as they say, history repeated itself and he ditched me again, leaving me just as devastated as the first time.
It may sound strange to say this, but I actually consider you lucky that your ex at least had the decency to make it clear that he didn't want to re-enter a relationship. My ex, on the other hand, led me on and dangled the idea of getting back together over my head. You should take him at his word and leave him be. I PROMISE you'll feel much better if you take back control of your emotions from this guy, toughen up, and stop seeing him. Don't make the same mistake I did of waiting around until he cuts things off, for good, with you.
Good luck, I hope all turns out okay for you (and it will!) :)
I was in this position once myself. Girls who stay in these situations are clinging to the idea of being in love rather than confronting the reality that it'll never happen with this guy. But somehow we fool ourselves into thinking getting as close as we can with this current guy is better than stopping the vicious cycle so we can be available to find a real relationship with someone we deserve.
You're his once-and-while entertainment. If not for yourself, then leave him in the dust for his sake: he needs to learn women aren't just hanging around for his occasional amusement.
I think everyone needs to reread their post & then have a second look at Cary’s response. A text is a few seconds of your life. Do you really want to hold out hope for a guy who doesn’t have a few seconds to spare for you? You can muddy the water with school, work or whatever. Bottom line, if he cares the effort would be there.Damn…
If a man wants to see you or talk to you, HE WILL! Not much will keep him from doing so, unless he literally has a 24/7 job & is dead. He will take a couple of minutes out of his day to communicate with you, to at least say, "Hi"... All he wants is sex from you, because it's safe. He trusts you. That's it. There is no hope sweetie. Move on with your life. He is an EX for a reason.
I had to learn the hard way also, but let the guy chase you!!, If you chase him, you'll be chasing them for the rest of the relationship till it's over. Men and women, both like the chase, but once he's caught you and they know that they have done their "job" the right way in the beginning. Then, most guys want to have that chase again knowing they have you as a backup which that is just a ugly feeling, because you actually care. I learned never rush to be in a relationship, but make the most of the time you do spend. And spend time outside of the house. Make the man treat you with respect and make him chase you. When your having a bad day and you want to call him, don't, and take time for you and have a "me" day at the salon, turn off your phone and just pamper you. It soo suck at first but there is a man out there who will treat you right and cherish the time he spends with you.
See, that's why when my ex asked me to be friends, I decidedly said no. Truth is, this guy doesn't want you in his life, because if he did he wouldn't break up with you. Want he wants is a back-up plan. Well, I'm sorry, but for me it's all or nothing. And it should be for all you ladies as well. From what I read here, you're all far too wonderful to be kept on a hook by some guy who doesn't deserve your time. Cut him lose, break the ties, and then you'll have more time to focus on finding someone who wants you there all the time, not just as a back-up booty call. I know it's hard, I've been there too. But it's far better in the long run.
what he wants*
Okay, just to put another point of view here... I broke up with my long term boyfriend, and I asked to remain friends, and I ring him up to catch up every few weeks.
But I do it because I really do want to stay friends - he was my best friend for years, why on earth wouldn't I? I only contact him every couple of weeks, cos he will never ring me (I think it's a bit of a pride thing), so I'm giving him a bit of space, and hoping one day he'll make the first contact, and then we can move on to being proper friends...
That all made much more sense in my head. But basically, I don't think you can automatically assume the worst about the OPs boyfriend.
I agree with Jen that we should not assume the worst about the OP's boyfriend. Am thinking Cary's answer is probably right about the majority of guys but not sure the OP's bf should be lumped in with them - after all he broke up with freeing her up to see other guys. If he just wants to be friends (no sex!) and talk every couple of weeks - it's her prerogative to accept that or end it. If he knows he is too busy for a relationship, they should break up - it's not fair to keep her dangling with a text or phone call every now and then. She deserves better than that...
HI I'M THE ORIGINAL POSTER~~ THANK YOU, CARY, AND EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED for answering my question. I soo appreciate it! I know that I need to move on, but, as most of you know, it's torture when you have invested your whole self into someone, which was a mistake I'll learn from.
This is the first time someone has broken up with me, as well as using the silent treatment/disappearing act. So, I'm a bit lost and needed the comfort of others on this board to help steer me in the right direction. This is THE BEST place to get relationship advice, but I never thought "I" would be asking a question, myself!!
I have read all of your comments and take each one seriously, especially Cary's. Just to clarify, my ex probably doesn't have time for a relationship, as he works 50-60 hrs a week, but I still think I'm worth a text here and there, so I'm still offended that he didn't do that toward the end of our relationship and now in our "friendship". I will do my best to end the cycle, especially the sex, and get out completely.
Again, thank you all for your support.
Heidi
You are his backup chick, to provide sex and attention when he needs it for nothing in return. I've seen women stay in these situations for year, putting up with lying, cheating and various other deceptions while he looks for someone better. A friend worth having would never treat you this way. You are being used and you deserve better. Cut him off now and begin the process of forgetting him.
the guy I was dating works 15-hour days as a chef and would still find time to text me, every day, even if just to say "i hope you have a nice day". i now realize that he was making an effort, but the problem was he didn't want to "commit" and make me his official gf. so i broke things off with him. i think i made a mistake. he calls me every now and then and the few times we've seen each other since then, we end up fooling around. i don't know what to do, as i feel that if i had been more patient, things would have become "official." i feel like i'm dying inside. :(
omg, really?
If a dude is really into you and wants you around, he'll take the time out. While walking to the bathroom he'll take 2 seconds to call and say, "Hey - can't talk, just wanted to say I was thinking about you," and then go about his business.
If you want to be the woman put on the back burner for other things then be that woman and know that you'll ALWAYS be put on the back burner for other things - beers with the guys, fishing, work, another woman ...
All of you ladies who are in these situations don't try to be "friends". Stop seeing him, don't call or text for at least three months. Once your feelings of attachment have faded you can revisit the idea and see if he is a friend worth having. But you have to detach first because until you do you won't be able to objectively judge his character
the only reason to stay friends with an ex is for the sex...
If a guy's interested, he'll make the time, even if it's just a text. He ignores you for weeks, then you, ahem, play catch-up - leaving out the sex, would you take that kind of crap from a female friend?
Exes can in fact be friends, but there needs to be a period of radio silence for both parties to adjust to the fact that the relationship is now over and there is no real hope of getting back together, that this person is no longer the one to call when you've had a bad day, etc. In my experience guys can have just as hard a time letting go as girls; sometimes they do just want to be platonic friends but to a degree that is smothering and prevents you both from moving on.
This is so stupid. I work and go to college full time, And to be honest I have no time for dating what so ever, I even told this girl that likes me that I can't date right now. Why would i keep a girl when i can't spend quality time with her? And bring in more responsiblity in my life?. This is useless
Ofcourse you can take time out to text your girl once a while, But isn't that going to be bad for your relationship? This will make you girl miss you and lead into more fights. Don't say that won't happen because you all know that eventually these things will start borthering you.
So listen to him and just stick around for now, If he's not seeing any one then obviously he must be busy with his life.