Great question, and I'm not sure I can answer it fully, since it's been a while since I had to worry about condoms and such. But I'll tell you what I think and then I'll let our well-informed readers fill in the blanks.
Back in my dating days, it was usually the guy who provided the condoms, but there's no set rule about it. Since your bf is experienced and you're a noob, it seems to me that he should be the one to get them, but again, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that someone brings them, because if you're about to hook up and realize no one brought condoms, it's too tempting to do it without protection "just this once." Don't. Let "no glove, no love" be your mantra. It only takes one condom-free poke to get pregnant or catch an STD, and that's a decision you'll live with for the rest of your life.
The necessity of lube depends on the woman: some produce more natural lubrication than others. If this is your first time, though, I would recommend it. It certainly can't hurt to use some. Either of you can buy it, and you can find it at any drug store and most grocery stores. Be sure to get something that's meant for sexual activity -- KY or the like -- and not something like Vaseline or baby oil or anything else that doesn't belong inside you. If you are too embarrassed to buy it in person, you can always order it online, but you'll need a credit card or a bank account to do so.
As for whether to plan it or let it just happen, that really depends on you. What would make you more comfortable? Don't be afraid to say exactly how you want this all to go down. It's your first time, and you can't be shy about what you want and don't want. Your boyfriend shouldn't be pushy, and if it he is, stop the love train and hop off until he's ready to respect your wishes.
I'm not sure about other etiquette to minimize stress. Your boyfriend will probably take the lead since he's the experienced one. If you like something he does, tell him, and if you dislike something, tell him that, too. Not to burst your bubble, but you should probably know going in that first-time sex is usually quick and usually not very good. If and when it is, don't be discouraged. Like anything else, sex takes practice.
Ok, your turn, readers. Anything you want to add?
Well I can say from experience that you're first time doesn't have to be bad. If he knows it's going to be your first time than he should be caring enough to make sure YOU enjoy it.Take it slow.While I'm not the biggest fan of fore-play, I would say its a must for you. If it starts to feel uncomfortable, don't be afraid to speak up.Sex should be enjoyable point blank.
And about the condoms. "No glove, no love" should be EVERYONE'S motto. If you know that you've gotten to a point in your relationship where it might happen, buy a box. Keep one in your purse. You'll never know when the mood might hit, so it's better to be prepared. There is no shame in purchasing protection, just in not using it.
That was quite informative and academic, kind sir. If I knew any actual virgins worried about losing the big V, I'd forward them this way.
Unfortunately, most women I know at this age who claim to be virgins are just liars trying to regain back their minds and youth.
Also, she doesn't say how long they've been dating. But it makes it a HELL of a lot easier if you're comfortable with them, and have done pretty much everything but actual intercourse before. You don't want your first time to also be the first time they see you with your shirt off ;)
He has to know your a virgin as well, that changes things, or at least hopefully he'll keep that in mind and not bang you like a jackhammer.
And make sure you really want to do it with him, if not its not going to be pleasant, period.
My first time was totally smooth. No pain (thank you horse back riding), no stress, really quite pleasant.
You might want to buy your own condoms, just in case, cuz when I lost my virginity (at the horrible age of 14) neither I nor my boyfriend had one, and like Cary said, we did it just that once without one. Stupidest thing ever... It is never a bad idea to buy your own. You can get them at any drugstore and most grocery stores, plus most gas stations. Lube too, actually. And while lube isn't always nessisary, it does make things more pleasant, for both of you. Especially with condoms. Good luck, hope your first time is awesome.
what about...spermicide...?
I would generally say no to spermicide. That can cause irritation, and increase chances of getting a UTI. It can upset the vaginal flora... so yeah, steer clear of that until you know it doesn't bother your body. (My body doesn't care for it) Also be aware that condoms can come with spermicide on them... so check for that too.
Vodka. Lots and lots of Vodka.
I believe the guy should bring the condom. I myself am on the pill so I feel like I've done my part. Also, guys can buy whatever condom brand fits them best.
Another thing to add would be to ask your boyfriend to get tested for you. When I'm getting serious with someone we both get tested for each other... but since you're a virgin you're good to go. Losing your virginity will be that much less stressful knowing that you don't have to worry about STD's. If you're nervous about taking to your boyfriend about STD's then you shouldn't be having sex- its a serious thing that requires communication. If you cant handle a talk about STD's BEFORE anything happens then you certainly wont be able to handle talks about actual STD's or unwanted pregnancy...
One more thing to add would be to go on a form of birth control yourself. Condoms' aren't perfect and Plan B is expensive- plus it makes some people feel like crap for a day or 2. I am on the pill and I love it. Plus, on the pill you can skip periods when you dont want them, like for vacations or anniversaries or whatever. I have friends who have tried NuvaRing, or even the shot that works for 3 months and like that as well (shots scare the shit out of me so I dont).
Anyway, lots of luck to you miss! Just relax, if you do it will be more enjoyable!
Cary, great answer. As always. Actually, everyone here gave great advice.
I would add the most important thing is to talk about the sex BEFORE you are about to have it. Trying to have that conversation when you are all sweaty and about to get naked is the WORST possible time.
My first was with a guy I was casually dating. He was hung like a horse. It was unpleasant and painful and when I told him later I was a virgin, he didn't believe me. But he was a jerk, and I (wisely) ended it very soon.
Some guys are insensitive, but I think most would want to know how you feel, make it a good experience for you, and care about your feelings.
And yes, bring condoms (especially if you know what size he is), and lube. It's good to have, and if it squirts out of the tube, you can laugh and break the tension. :-)
By all means, do what the smart chicks do: everything you want, nothing you don't, and always use condoms.
"especially if you know what size he is"
Yes, this is to me the big thing about the gal providing the condoms scenario. If it's too small, it will ripp, if it's too big, it will slip. Since he is experienced, he must know his own size, so I think he should bring them, at least the first time. Once you know his size, you can have some on you to be prepared for any situation (Condoms are not a man's business only. Both party involved should care about it and provide the required accessories)
But do bring some average size condoms on your first time. Even if it doesn't fit perfectly, it is a hell of a lot better than zero protection!
Or you can go with the female condom alternative.
Great comments from everyone! I've never bought condoms (I'd buy online though because I'm too embarrassed to buy them in person... New Year's Resolution: grow up me, it's OK to be an adults..anyhow..), but I think it would be a good idea to learn about them, and maybe have them yourself so you are in control.
Make sure they aren't expired. Make sure they are stored correctly (not in an oven..). Get the kind without lube or spermacide and buy your own lube. Also some condoms have ridges and weird stuff going on, I found those to be unpleasant, but some people like them. Stick to the simple stuff for your first time in my opinion. Oh yeah, there are different sizes. Many guys are average in size, but not all...
Regarding lube, get a water-based one. Get the very basic kind, and not things that create "gentle warming sensation" which to me felt like burning burning burning vagina. :-D Not everyone needs lube, but it's good to have on hand or on a _____ :-))
Rach's suggestion of going on the pill is a great one. It's always good to have back up birth control. Stuff happens... I had a college friend become a mother at 19 (nothing wrong with young mothers btw, but that wasn't her intention or desire) because of "stuff." I personally like the daily pill form, I haven't tried other versions. I take birth control mostly to regulate my cycle, secondly for birth control, if I am sexually active (no BF now though).
You can talk to your doctor or physician's assistant about it, if it's right for you, but for ME, omg it's awesome--3 months of NO periods. My doctor actually told me I really don't have to have any, but I prefer once a season. So, I just take BC and skip the week of placebo pills. So yeah, 1) few periods, so very few days each year w/ cramps. 2) knowing EXACTLY when I'm getting my period, and ability to "reschedule" period for when it is convenient.. .. oh and 3) birth control
Anyhow, to restate what others have said....
- have sex talk long before sex, as if you can't talk about sex now w/ him before the act, you probably shouldn't be losing your virginity to him...
- have your guy do a full STD check up (if he thinks that's an odd request, that's a BIG red flag for you)
- have proper condoms + lube on hand where ever "the act" might take place... (maybe when you have your "I'm a virgin" talk you can play cute naiive and ask about condoms/lube and see what he already knows...) online drugstores are great for privacy :)
- consider a back up birth control method like BC pills.
What else? I wouldn't schedule sex, but to each her own. I would "be ready" though (as in, take care of the above checklist). Personally, if I plan on having sex, I like to don the fun panties and cute bra ;-)
Have fun, and don't plan on orgasming! :-D
Self-check out lane at the grocery store if you are really that embarassed...
Penryn, I like your comments too!! I love skipping periods! :) I asked my doctor if it was ok, and she said I could skip every one! I skip unless I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I'll take the sugar pills and find out. There's no medical necessity to have a period while on the pill- its not even a real "period" anyway, so go ahead and talk to your doctor about skipping the sugar pills.
I wore really hot lingerie too when it lost it! Lingerie is an investment in a happy future!
I would recommend too that he give you oral before you have sex. You'll be turned on, extra wet, and if you orgasm while getting oral there's a chance you might during sex. I orgasmed when I lost my virginity this way! So, its possible, but of course don't feel like a failure if you dont.
If I were you I'd get a subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine. It's chock full of sexy advice and there's a website that you can go on and look up info about sex. It's got a move of the week and everything! The more information you get about sex, the more comfortable you'll feel having it! Have fun!
in the same situation..in my case, pretty sure he's never had an STD check before...really necessary? that would be really awkward. we're teenagers for god's sake and it's not like our parents know or that this is going to be an easy topic. i want to still protect myself but isn't it okay as far as condoms and a check for visible rashes etc is involved?
"It's not like our parents know..." Believe me Jenn, they know. They were teenagers once too. Things haven't really changed that much and really, they just want you to be safe.
"it's not like our parents know..." Believe me Jenn, they know. They were teenagers once too. And really, they just want you to be safe.
Not all STDs will show their presence with a rash. Most of them won't actually. To give you the most extreme example, you can have AIDS for over a decade before the first symptoms appears. And you can pass it on during that time.
Maybe your boyfriend has been very carefull, but did some risky stuff without knowing it was risky (or got a piercing in a shady van at a fair or something). There is always a risk someone you are dating has a SDT, even if he is sure he's clean.
So yes, condoms are mantatory. But they are not 100% desease proof. As Penryn said, stuff happens, wouldn't you feel better if both your latest tests came back negative?
I can understand how talking about it can be stressfull. A lot couple do not take the test before at least 3 monthes of monogammy (some infections can test negative even though they are present the first 3 monthes of it), as they won't bother unless they are serious about a relationship and/or want to switch from condoms to another birth control method. Other people do test on a regular basis, just to be sure.
I don't know about where you live, but most countries have medical centers that will give the test for free to teens, students, homeless people or anyone not able to pay for it.
If you are afraid you parents may find out, you can give your blood. Every single pack of blood is tested for various STDs to avoid transmissions, and in most countries, they will call you to warn you if they find anything. Ask a nurse at the next blood drive if they would communicate to you the test results. Giving blood on a regular basis is a great way to get regularly tested on top of saving lifes. If you don't have a huge needle phobia, it's all benefits.
If you are in the US, your local Planned Parenthood can administer the STI tests. They have a sliding fee scale and it's confidential. I didn't want to tell our family doctor that I was worried my husband was cheating; PP took into consideration that I was a stay-at-home mom and I paid a nominal fee for my own piece of mind. The results came back in a plain envelope, no tell-tale return sender, and I then had valid paperwork for my OB/Gyn to put in my file. Easy-peasy. Good luck :)
Usually sex is (or should be) completely mutual, but because this is your first time, it should be about you, you, you. Out yourself, your comforts, your safety, and your enjoyment first. DO NOT let him tell you that something is "normal" or "abnormal" or what you "should" or "shouldn't" do. Don't let him tell you what your role should be. He must do this your way, on your terms, or not at all. You need to decide what's best for you, "etiquette" be damned.
As someone once said, virgins are like campsites: you should leave them in better condition than you found them.
dear:
Anonymous,
I saw all the answer they give you, and they are not helping you. Look losing your virginity to a random guy or when you are not ready for it, can be a bad bad experience.
many young people loss it for the same reasons as you.
the ANSWER IS CHASTITY. BEING PURE UNTIL MARRIAGE WHEN YOU MEET THE TRUE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. this may sound silly or old time talk to you. But it so true. have a relationship with the right person is the best experience.
if true love when you give everything you have to the right person. and you know is the right one because you are married to him/her.
love does exits and is waiting.
READ "IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME" BY JASON EVERT.
IS A GREAT BOOK AND IS REALLY HELPING ME WITH MY OWN PERSONAL PROBLEMS.
THANK YOU FOR YOU TIME AND I WISH YOU THE BEST.
and remember a bad experience is just that a bad memory. love is much more beautiful that you ever imagine. is so great you cannot explain. and is pure and sincere, free of selfishness.
take this time to glorify and prepare you body to the right person. and be patient, it will came
PRAY PRAY.
Hope god guide your way and help you find you true love.
:)
talking with the real experience.
Not that I disagree, (I don't follow the whole wait til marriage idea but I tell others to consider it. My boyfriend follows it though.) but not all people make the right choices even when it comes to marriages. Some end, some don't, and some end really badly. Sex can be a deal breaker too, so waiting til after the day to find that you can't stand the way your partner does something, and they refuse to change, then you're kinda screwed. -pun not intended-
I have to say that for the last few of hours i have been hooked by the impressive posts on this site. Keep up the good work.