Why does it hurt your feelings when you already know why he's grumpy and tired and it (apparently) has nothing to do with you?
If he's lashing out at you, that's one thing, but if he comes home just crusty in general and you don't like it, well, cut the guy some slack.
New jobs are tough -- you're learning the ropes, trying to make a good impression, trying to fit in, trying not to screw up. You work hard by necessity, and there's also a lot of stress involved, which will make a person grumpy and tired. You're also distracted and likely not paying as much attention to your loved ones as you should.
I think women sometimes underestimate the importance of a job to men. Work is important to both sexes, of course, but men frequently internalize their jobs and have too much of their identities wrapped up in what they do, how well they do it, how quickly they advance, how much money they bring home. Some women do this too but I see it more often with males. My wife can come home completely stressed about work and be over it within half an hour, whereas it will take me all night or even until the next morning to forget about work. Chalk it up to different personalities, but put some of that chalk in the gender differences column, too.
If you sense that there's more to his bad moods than just work, ask him. But if he tells you that it's the job and not you, believe him -- and be patient. Once he gets settled at work, the stress and grumpiness should subside. If they don't, then you'll know there's more to it and you can write me again.
mines the same, its hard to get close to them & support them when theyre in a horrible mood but...just being there & listening should be good enough. he probably doesnt want lovey dovey-ness if hes angry anyways...
I agree with Cary but feel there could be some approaches this lady could try. Personally, I don't enjoy it when a bad day at work translates into a bad day at home. I've been in that situation before when my ex wasn't happy at his job.
They say men have a tendency to want to 'solve' the problem when a woman is venting about something. Well I can admit to having that trait. I heard my ex complain about his job, the bad day, some unfairness that happened and it was really hard for me to just sympathize and listen. I took on the issue and wanted to find some resolution and this wasn't what my ex was looking for. I had to learn how to be more understanding of his desire to just vent and he had to learn about communicating his bad day in a constructive, healthy way. I asked him "When you come home in a bad mood what do you want from me when you vent?" and he said he just wanted to be heard, to get it out, and hear some nice words from me. We made an agreement that I would do that, but that he would also try and move on after venting and not let it ruin his evening.
I also had to say (internally) that his bad day at work wasn't my problem so I didn't have to find a solution. I know how cold that sounds but it really helped. There was nothing I could do to make his work life any better so I had to stop taking on that responsibility. It was something that weighted on my mind because I cared so much for his happiness.
You could also set up some boundaries for yourself. When he's in a mood that's lingering and you've done the whole sympathizing thing then it doesn't hurt to just walk away for a bit. Give him some space and go do your own thing. Run an errand, go into the other room and read, talk on the phone with a girlfriend. Some people just need some alone time to sort out their thoughts before being able to move on with their day.
A rough day at work takes a lot out of anyone, but a new job is especially stressful. Home should be your one safe haven where you can be grumpy and in a bad mood and still feel loved no matter what. I agree with the above answers. Give him space when he first comes home. Let him have time to decompress. That and practice as much patience and kindness as you can.
I Have this same problem, My Boyfriend always comes home from a very
long day at work. I Appreciate that he works hard, and I Listen to him, but
sometimes I Just want to kiss him and cuddle close to him, and sometimes
he just tells me that he's to tired. Or he thinks that I Want sex while hes too
tired, but really thats not the case. Most women just want love and a lot of
attention from their Husbands or boyfriends, it doesnt really mean that your
not listening to him, or being selfish, I think it is gender specific. A man
wants to beable to be grumpy and tired, and have his space for a while & a
woman just wants some Love & affection. I Guess the best thing to do is let
him have his space and time to relax when he gets home, let him know that
you understand. If you love him; cater to him, or have his dinner ready
when he comes home from work, it would put a smile on his face and it lets
him know that he has a good woman who has his back, But if your the type
of woman that wants attention and all that lovey dovey stuff, just give him
time, and he'll repay you for being interested in his problem! =)`