It means that at some point or other during your three-year-dating life, you've managed to irritate and/or annoy him, As I'm sure he's done to you and he decided to let somebody else know this. It's pretty par the course for most people in relationships. Childish as it is, we all talk to SOMEBODY else.
Mind you, it's definitely douchebag behavior and you are well within your rights to be upset and feel some kind of way. The level should coincide with whatever it was that he was saying. What I'd recommend is that you let him know that if he has some issue, he'd do well to bring it to you instead of taking it elsewhere. But just know this...this is when you CAUGHT him. Don't think it was a one time deal.
This is one of those moments where you two sit down and talk about your relationship. And if he doesn't apologize and acknowledge that he was messed up for talking sh*t about you to somebody else then he's a selfish prick and he's not going to stop doing it. He'll just not get caught.
Yeah…, talk to him, but not in an accusatory manner. Let him know it upset you & you want to discuss how to get past this. It’s up to him how he chooses to deal with it & up to you what you do from there.
This reminds me of a situation I was in once. My boyfriend of 3 years began complaining about me to one of his high school acquaintances--who was female. I think that this sharing of intimate information lead them to have feelings for each other and he cheated on me with her for several months. I found out about this after we broke up.
Maybe it's not entirely fair, but I employ a pretty strict "no complaining about a SO to a member of the opposite sex (save family members/therapists)" policy and I expect the same in return. I try to keep my relationship problems to myself anyway. Venting too much only serves to build up a negative opinion of your SO in other people's minds, and I find solving our problems together is better for the relationship than bringing other people in.
However venting CAN occasionally be helpful and I can totally overlook a complaining session with a guy friend. But if he continually went to a girl who was always sympathetic, it's just to easy to get emotionally close and think "wow, she's great. She would never pull this crap my gf does." And things don't look good from there.
I'm sure people will come up with counterexamples of confiding in their best guy friends for years with no weirdness, but I think generally it's a pretty good rule.
Maybe it's not entirely fair, but I employ a pretty strict "no complaining about a SO to a member of the opposite sex (save family members/therapists)" policy and I expect the same in return. I try to keep my relationship problems to myself anyway. Venting too much only serves to build up a negative opinion of your SO in other people's minds, and I find solving our problems together is better for the relationship than bringing other people in.
However venting CAN occasionally be helpful and I can totally overlook a complaining session with a guy friend. But if he continually went to a girl who was always sympathetic, it's just to easy to get emotionally close and think "wow, she's great. She would never pull this crap my gf does." And things don't look good from there.
I'm sure people will come up with counterexamples of confiding in their best guy friends for years with no weirdness, but I think generally it's a pretty good rule.
Is there a special trick to avoid double posting? Most people seem to avoid it and I promise I only submit once, but it almost always shows up twice. Grrrr
I would like to know too. It is annoying when I take time to write something and it won't post. I'll sometimes try up to 10 times. Sometimes it still won't post at all and other times it will multiple post. I think the site itself has an issue. Hopefully one of the guys here and talk to their computer guy and have it fixed. That would be muchly appreicated.
Ya, all depends on who you talk to. I have a very close group of friends and we all help each other out when we need to sort out our thoughts and emotions. My fiance has her 'go to' people as well. rarely are they of the opposite sex though my oldest friend is female and she has some male friends.
It also depends on context, maybe the girl at work was having an issue with a boyfriend and your boyfriend said "Oh ya, my girlfriend does that crap too, it's annoying!" *harshness may vary*. We use common experiences to build relationships, friendly or otherwise. Plus, I have noticed most people like talking shit (by shit I just mean some form of negative comment) to build a relationship with someone as a friend. Kinda weird but that's just what I see.
In the end people need to vent. Sometimes your boyfriend or girlfriend is not the person to vent to as they will get upset with what you have to say and it will start a whole new issue on top of the preexisting one. Venting = healthy, normal, and proven to greatly reduce anxiety and stress in a persons life. Gender boundaries are for you and your partner to discuss.
Quite honestly, I don't think this is a big deal at all, especially in the grand scheme of things. Yes. You have a right to be hurt, and feel free to let him now and ride that wave of emotion out until it's over, but, in general, it doesn't sound to me like he did anything *truly* wrong.
It's worth bringing up and worth talking about, but it's far from a dump-worthy offense. (Of course, exceptions exist, but I find it a good general rule of thumb is to not automatically assume that you're an exception.)
As LColBone said, venting is healthy; everyone has their angry moments and not all of them need to be shared with the significant other. Can you honestly say that your boyfriend hasn't ever, in three years of dating, done something small to piss you off, and you went and complained about it to a close friend? (If the answer is no, then you're a better person than I am.)
No one wants to admit that they have negative qualities, and even fewer want to hear it said behind their back, but it happens. Even when it comes to the people we care about. I'm fairly certain if I brought it up every time I thought the words "selfish asshole" in my boyfriend's direction, or he thought the words "neurotic bitch" in mine, that the relationship would have gone down the toilet long ago.
Those thoughts and frustrations are more than normal, and though they may only last for a few seconds, it's good (and even healthy) to let them out lest they build up into real resentment. But you boyfriend or girlfriend is more likely to take such things personally, whereas a good friend or even a therapist is more likely to be able to distinguish between momentary frustration/anger and an actual problem.
As far as the gender thing goes, everyone has different opinions on that. Personally, I find jealousy over things like that to be a 100% dump-worthy offense. But for you and your boyfriend, that might be a different ballgame entirely.
(I got an internal server error, so I hope this doesn't double post. If so, I apologize. It's actually happened to me enough times that I remember to copy-paste anything before I send.)
Quite honestly, I don't think this is a big deal at all, especially in the grand scheme of things. Yes. You have a right to be hurt, and feel free to let him now and ride that wave of emotion out until it's over, but, in general, it doesn't sound to me like he did anything *truly* wrong.
It's worth bringing up and worth talking about, but it's far from a dump-worthy offense. (Of course, exceptions exist, but I find it a good general rule of thumb is to not automatically assume that you're an exception.)
As LColBone said, venting is healthy; everyone has their angry moments and not all of them need to be shared with the significant other. Can you honestly say that your boyfriend hasn't ever, in three years of dating, done something small to piss you off, and you went and complained about it to a close friend? (If the answer is no, then you're a better person than I am.)
No one wants to admit that they have negative qualities, and even fewer want to hear it said behind their back, but it happens. Even when it comes to the people we care about. I'm fairly certain if I brought it up every time I thought the words "selfish asshole" in my boyfriend's direction, or he thought the words "neurotic bitch" in mine, that the relationship would have gone down the toilet long ago.
Those thoughts and frustrations are more than normal, and though they may only last for a few seconds, it's good (and even healthy) to let them out lest they build up into real resentment. But you boyfriend or girlfriend is more likely to take such things personally, whereas a good friend or even a therapist is more likely to be able to distinguish between momentary frustration/anger and an actual problem.
As far as the gender thing goes, everyone has different opinions on that. Personally, I find jealousy over things like that to be a 100% dump-worthy offense. But for you and your boyfriend, that might be a different ballgame entirely.
Something my boyfriend and I do - every month or so, we will ask each other if there is anything we do that really irks or irritates the other. We know to be honest and not defensive during these talks, and they have really helped out in the long run. Just even simple things, like I disliked how when I thanked him for something, he seemed to think nothing of it, or how I was a bit messy. Over time, those things just add up, so better nip them early, yes?
I know this an older thread but I think this an excellent policy.