Well here's the vital question: how did you find out? If he got busted then I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him. However, if he came to you confessing his transgressions and seemed truly remorseful then perhaps you could consider it.
Though, that's solely based on what you think that you can handle. You're not obligated to give him a second chance, he did cheat after all, no matter how you found out.
Also, I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I do believe that a man who's cheated and gotten away with it (if you "forgive", it technically means he got away with it) is more inclined to do so again and just learn from his mistakes.
I'm slightly confuddled by the fact that he listed reasons why he did it. Were any of those reasons justifiable to you? Like did any of it make sense? Because listing reasons almost implies that he felt some sort of logic in his actions, or at least something he could backup and explain away to you. Like, how exactly did he intend to make up for it too?
I'm interested in all of that because obviously you took some of that into account given that you are considering giving him a second chance (which, I'm not against) but you need to be aware of what type of person that you're dealing with. And if he's giving you reasons that made sense to him as to why he cheated that you also agree with, well, in some kind of odd way, I worry he might find just cause to do so again.
Either way, it's on you. I wish I could tell you what to do. Perhaps he has learned from his mistakes, perhaps he hasn't and will just become a better criminal. You have your gut to help you with that. You know him. Take everything that you know about him and put it together and remove your emotions. If you didn't "love" him, would you tell somebody else to take him back?
Think about that.
Could she REALLY forgive him? This is in so many ways unforgivable. Panama is nicer than I am. Even if the bf confessed, he crossed the line of no return when he contacted his ex to tell her he was imagining he was with the ex instead of his gf... Sorry, nothing fixes that...
Agreed x 10. Maybe other cheaters say that kind of stuff about how they picture the new person too, but knowing it for a fact, perhaps even seeing it, seems like something that can't be forgotten.
I agree. If it were me, I would simply be too insulted to take him back. No matter what his "reasons" were. I would just never be able to get past the fact that he said he thinks about her when he's with me. Every time I had sex with him or even kissed him, those words would be ringing in my head.
I agree. This guy would NOT get a second chance with me.
Thanks so much, Panama, for your wisdom. He was busted, he did not confess.
He said his behavior was inexcusable but he did it because he was seeking emotional attention from his ex-gf because she was telling him things that he needed to hear from me and instead of telling me about his needs, he turned to her instead.
I have to admit that I have not been the most supportive and lovey-dovey girlfriend in the history of girlfriendhood but that still does not excuse his behavior, something that he has acknowledged.
And there we have it. Dump him; it will hurt - a lot! But it will hurt so much more (and do lots more damage) if you stay with him.
You are strong, you will find a much better, worthwhile man after you have healed from this. hugs.
Then you need part ways with him. You and him clearly have different needs in this relationship. He needs someone who will give him a lot of affirmation and emotional support. You are not that type of person, and that is OK. BUT, thats what he needs and if he is not getting it from you, he will get it from someone else. He most likely will do that again. And you deserve someone who will appreciate you and what you can give to them.
I completely agree with GBFF when he says that by "forgiving" the cheater he is getting away with cheating. I cannot recount the countless number of people who have tried to get me to forgive my ex for cheating on me. I won't do it and never will. I'm glad to finally have someone who sees my point. I'm not a bitter or hateful person either. That is just the appropriate consequence for this particular action.
You don't cheat on someone you genuinely care about. You just don't. It never crossed his peabrain that if he has "emotional" needs that aren't being met, then maybe he should address it with his girlfriend? What happens the next time he has a problem he's uncomfortable talking about? This kid is confused and doesn't even know what he wants. You can do far better. It will suck short term but be so good for you long term.
a LIST of reasons ? No, that is unacceptable. I agree with Liz and Name, you can do a favor to yourself and let him go.
Thanks everyone, you're helping me to be strong :)
Glad to hear it! It's cliche as can be, but true: what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Best of luck during this difficult time!
Don't worry, it will all turn out for the best, you'll see. I remember reading once something along the lines of: "If you were happy with the wrong one, imagine how happy you'll be when the right one comes along!"
Good luck!
I like that one!!
me too, awesome.
Eww. I'd take this as a warning sign and get out of that relationship as quickly as you can.
If a guy thinks there's any "reasons" to excuse his behavior, that in and of itself is a serious issue!