First things first: kudos on your desire to do what's right, even though it's the hard choice. By doing so you are putting his needs above your own and showing by your actions that you love him, if not romantically, at least as a friend. Remember that when you are feeling guilty for breaking up with him--you're making a difficult but honorable decision.
I've been exactly where you are and it sucks. I wasn't as brave as you, though--instead of calling it off as soon as I knew it wasn't working, I let it go on several more months and made the inevitable breakup that much worse. So, again, good on you for making the tough but appropriate choice.
To answer your question, no, unfortunately, there is no painless way to break up with someone. Like family reunions and watching videos of other people's kids, ending relationships is one of those crappy things we have to do in life that never gets easier. No matter how you do it, he's going to be hurt. There's nothing you can do about that. Rejection always stings, and we all must experience it.
What you can do, however, is to be as gentle and as honest with him as you can. Tell him what you told us--he's a great guy and you think the world of him, but you simply don't have romantic feelings for him. Don't make excuses ("It's not you, it's me") or promises ("Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind"). Just be straight. The truth hurts, but someday he will appreciate the fact that you were not willing to string him along.
I know you would probably like to be friends with this guy after the breakup, but I think it's best to leave that to him. Avoid the dreaded "I still want to be friends" speech --guys hate that. Just give him time and space to lick his wounds and see what happens. Don't push a friendship on him just to soothe your guilt. It might ultimately be too hard for him to be friends; he might need a clean break. Let him decide.
Good luck with this. I know it's a drag but you are doing the right thing and should feel good about that. You aren't purposely hurting his feelings, so go easy on the guilt.
Thanks for the question.
"Don't push a friendship on him just to soothe your guilt." Soooooo smart and true!!!
The same thing happened to me...I broke up with him, but he kept hoping we would get back together. We didn't talk for over a year and now we talk sometimes and even hang out as friends. Breaking up with someone sucks, but its best not to string him along. Good luck!
I hate this part. I think it’s nice that you are considering his feelings & trying to find a gentle way to let him go.
Like everyone else said, good for you! You made the noble choice, here; that's for sure.
Chances are, he's sensed something's up already, even if neither of you have said anything. Unless you're just a really, really good actor. So hopefully, this won't completely hit him sideways, but even if it does, you're still being kinder than if you led him on for another couple weeks or, God forbid, months.
In addition to not shoving the "friends" thing down his throat, please don't plaster Facebook or Twitter (or whatever you may have) with photos, statuses, etc. about seeing new guys. Not saying that you would, but just in case. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING hurts worse than seeing someone you still have feelings for feeling something for a new person. It sucks. Hard. If you get into a new relationship, fine, but make sure not to rub it in his face, even inadvertently. In fact, he'd probably be better off not even knowing, if you can help it.
I know this may not seem relevant to your actual breakup, but since you said you want to make it as easy on him as possible, I thought I'd throw all of that out there. The hurt won't stop for him right after the breakup; he'll probably still be dealing with it for quite some time. I'm not saying to live your life around not upsetting him, but least for a while you may want to be discreet about seeing new people.
Great point about Facebook and Twitter, Carly. Thanks for mentioning it.
Oh, I've been there and it is brutal. But it sounds as though you know what you need to do - for your, and ultimately his, happiness. Accepting that nagging feeling (in my case after months of trying to ignore it) is one of the really hard bits, so well done.
He will be upset, it will feel like kicking a puppy, but you're doing it for the right reasons. And as other said, he'll come to see it the same way in time.
It's been a year for me and my ex and we talk rarely, but I hope it will evolve into a proper friendship eventually. On that score, just let him know when your door is open, and he'll make up his own mind.
i needed to hear this now.. same situation.
How do you stop loving someone? I haven't ever been in love, but if it "stopped" then I'm guessing you really didn't love the person in the first place...
She obviously still loves him..now just in a different, but still caring, way. Sometimes romantic love fades, for one reason or another. It's sad, but it doesn't mean that two people never loved each other.
That would also require that you ought to still be in love with everyone you were ever in love with. That sounds like way too much work.
I've been in love only a couple of times, and while I was honestly, truly in love then, I'm not in love now, months or years since I last saw them.
Emotions have friction, they need to be kept going. If that doesn't happen, through lack of effort or the wrong circumstances or whatever, they fade. Thank God, you wouldn't want to still be as attached to your blankie now as you were when you were an infant. And while I was truly angry at and hated the bullies 15 years ago, I can honestly say I don't give them a moment's thought now.
This is interesting because I thought that this kind of love, in which there is a calm caring and respect, was the kind of love that long term relationships were made of. I thought that the passionate romantic love is what brings two people together and then they start to really truly care for one another and enjoy the company of the other even though the "passion" may fade a bit. This is very sad for me :( A rude awakening I guess :(
DisHeartened, you are right when you say that passionate, romantic love is what brings two people together, and caring, compassionate love and respect is what keeps them together, but it's not that black and white. A relationship needs both kinds of love to stay afloat. Obviously, passion will fade, but if it gets to the point where you have NO romantic feelings at all, and you don't even want to kiss your partner anymore, then you're better off finding someone with whom you keep having romantic feelings for--and letting your current partner move on and do the same.
I guess I'm having a hard time imagining that I could love and care for someone and not want to be affectionate. Such tender emotions drive me to be affectionate. Maybe she's confusing love and caring for pity and empathy... Thanks for responding. This all gives me some things to think about in my own relationship.
I really, really, really feel for you. I was in this position this past December and it feels awful. I think people forget that it also hurts to do the breaking up with. I found that saying, "I'm not feeling the same chemistry I used to feel between us" or something along those lines works best. Truth is, you're going to feel awful bringing this up no matter what--but the fact that you're even asking this question and putting so much thought into it says a lot about your character as a girlfriend. It's going to hurt, but you'll both be okay.
best of luck to you!!
I was in your situation about a year and a half ago. The best thing we did was cease communication. He took the break up really hard and needed comfort from friends and family. I really cared about him so it was difficult for me to stay out of it, but it was best for him. Nurturing your guy will only make it more difficult for him. He will be alright. You're smart to remove yourself from the relationship so you're not leading him on.
Don't forget to take care of yourself too. It won't just hurt him when you break up with him, you're going to be feeling bad as well. Surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive, but don't be afraid to get alone time when you need it too!
Good luck!!
Thank you Cary, and everybody who commented.
I will most certainly follow your advice about being straight and gentle with him.
Carly, I completely agree with you about the necessity for discretion in these matters, rest assured nothing regarding my love life is getting on the Internet (this was an anonymous question, so I'm pretty confident it's safe for everyone)...
My best to you all!
I was in the same boat. Even though we obviously had problems and we talked about them, we stayed together for about a year longer, before we broke up last November. I know he still loves me, but our personalities and upbringing are so much different it could never work, no matter how many compromises we would make out of respect for eachother. I'm really sad about not having any romantic feelings left for him, because he is truly great.
We have remained best friends, but I'm not sure it's such a good idea. Luckily I'm leaving for holidays over the summer and I hope he'll get over me by the time I return.
I'm in the same situation right. I have been struggling with it for so long. I truly care about him. But we started seeing each other when we were young, and over time we have both changed. I've come to realize that we are not right together, after 5 years together. I am dreading what has to be to the point of becoming physically sick... but I understand it has to be done.
I just worry so much for him, he has very few friends and is not close with his family, and a past of heavy drinking (that over the last year he has overcome with my help and support). I am terrified of what will happen if I leave.
That sounds like something I'm in...I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we've been doing a lot of long distance...it's just felt like I've changed and things about him bother me that didn't used to...and whenever I think about spending the rest of my life with him, I get anxious, not excited. That's a red flag right there in my opinion...
It's going to be hard...I feel sick whenever I think about it, though. The last thing I want to do is hurt him...I wish there was an easy way, but there's not, I realize that...I hope I can just stick to my guns and stay strong. I've been thinking about this since September and even tried to take a break with him but we never did because I couldn't stick to it...
In short, I'm scared to hurt him. I'm scared what will happen after.
I too am in a similar situation. I have been with my bf for over 10 years. We are "highschool sweethearts". Right now I am 25, finally graduated and been a working member of society since last summer. My bf started to work a year earlier. During our 10 years together, I sometimes broke it off because I fell out of love with him. Each time, I never stuck to it, and guilt and my bf talked me right back in the relationship.
Lately my bf has been pushing me to start renting an apt, as we now both work and he is anxious to get away from home. But I am anxious to get into one home with him. We had a rough patch and our relationship is in a low. I told him 3 weeks ago that I am unhappy in the relationship. He says it came by surprise. He also said he would work on it and make sure to make me happy. A week later, he again started pushing me with rental ads. I think he believes living together will be the solution, to fall back in love with eachother. When I think about it however I get so nervous I can't eat properly. Right now I feel like I am sure I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him. This might be due to commitment issues, but also because I just know it's wrong between us - but how can you know?
he's been in my life so long and I truly care about him and hurting him hurts me. So I wanted to give it a go, went appartment seeing with him and we actually found one. We're supposed to go sign contract tonight, and at times I freak. I even told him this sunday, how I am freaking out and not even sure we should stay together. He talked me out of breaking up and told me he is sure we will be happy again and he will do anything. He is such a great guy. I wish I would feel it the same way. He told me he thinks I am the one. But I, on the other hand, feel trapped in this relationship. He is absolutely great to me, never cheated on me, he gets angry quickly that's mostly my only complaint. But I am not in love with him. I am not attracted to him. And I just don't know what to do anymore.
I am in the same boat. I actually broke it off 3 times but he kept pulling me back in. We have this big road trip we are suppose to go on in may and i am dreading it. I dont know what to do I love him so much and dont want to hurt him.. Its not the type of love I use to have. It is becoming more friendly. I am just starting to not feel loved. Even though he says he loves me it is just pushing me down and I just need a way to leave that he wont be hurt
I have just broken up with my BF of 7 years. I love him deeply but not in a romantic way anymore. I needed to stop leading him on, and essentially lying to him about being happy. He truly needs someone who loves him and wants to be with him. He is the perfect guy, loving, kind and a great listener. I just couldn't do it anymore. I let him know as gently as possible. The problem is i am very sad, I cry all the time and I cant help get the feeling that I have ruined his life.
I've been with my guy for 15 months and he truely is a wonderful guy and we are a perfect match for each other. He makes me really happy when we are together and I love spending time with him, but I'm afraid what I feel for him isn't romantic love. Even writing this is hard. I don't want to admit it at all. I'm 27 and he is my first serious boyfriend. I actually really want to be wrong and stay with him but I don't know if that is cowardly or whether I just I'm just over anaylsing it, which I'm prone to do with everything. Maybe the type of comfort and happiness and trust we share is love. But I've had a couple of epic crushes in the past on guys I knew were'nt right (player types) and with my guy, he's just so caring and open and honest that maybe I'm just terrible and want to have more drama or something? I was never super attracted to him in the beginning (he chased me). He's the skinniest guy you'll ever meet and I feel like it's so shallow to say it but I think it plays into how I'm feeling because I rarely feel super attracted to him. We have a really great sex life though so it's not as though I'm not attracted to him at all. I really don't want to break up because he is really my world and I can't even think how another guy could be any more amazingly right for me than him. I really don't know what to do because I don't want to throw something so amazing away and regret it, but I don't want to string him along either. When we are together, I don't let on I'm feeling like this at all (because he genuinely does make me happy). It would break his heart if I even hinted at it. What should I do?