The two of you should break up. Seriously. You and your boyfriend sound sexually incompatible.
Why do you even need help? He made you cry? Move on!
He wanted to do something to you that obviously turns him on. Gets him hot. It's an act that you are politically or philosophically or morally or aesthetically opposed to. Getting a "facial" is "disrespectful," whatever that means. Sure, it can be construed as a demeaning sexual act. It certainly is a way for a man to assert dominance. There are ways for women to assert dominance, too. Sex can be made even more exciting when couples play with power dynamics -- it's a turn on to be a switch hitter, the bottom one night, the top the next. But the fact is: he likes it, you don't.
But it doesn't matter. For whatever reason, you told him you didn't like a certain form of sexual punctuation. And he went and did it anyway. That's not cool. You trusted him. I get that.
But then again, your reaction wasn't entirely cool, either. I'd go so far as to say tears are an inappropriate response to a sexual faux pas. Manipulative. No wonder he feels "bad." You made him feel ashamed of something many couples do without all the guilt and angst. And believe it or not, these couples are very respectful of each other.
If he does something that is off limits, It's appropriate to look him in the eyes and saying "Dude. I told you I DON'T LIKE GUNK ON MY GRILL. Don't DO it again!" But your over emotional reaction might suggest that the problem has as much to do with you and your issues as it does with him.
The fact that your communication and sex life have totally shut down over this doesn't indicate a rosy future.
It's clear he needs something you are unwilling to give. That's not a healthy recipe for a happy sexual relationship. This issue will flare up again. And if it's not "facials," then it will be some other tedious, cliché porno kink he'll beg you to try, and you'll resist, and he'll try to do it anyway, and you'll cry, and etcetera.
Give up while you're ahead. Find a guy who's more "respectful" in bed. Let your boyfriend find a woman who'll be his own personal little pervert.
Everybody's happy.
i don't know about you but when i first read this story, i felt as if there was a deeper reason behind the tears. i know someone personally who had been sexually abused and because of it she doesn't want anyone giving her a "facial". May be a stretch, but just a thought.
great reasonable answer nonetheless.
I would cry too. I What her boyfriend did was completly disrespectful to her, and not so much the act. The shock and especially the after thought as to why he would it after she specifically said she didn't like it or want put her in tears.
My boyfriend has done stupid things in the past that have made me cry, becuase I know he simply did them to see what I would do, I was always more hurt and surprise then angry.
What I don't understood though DeVore, is why they should break-up. Simply because he wants to spray on her face and she doesn't like it?Shouldn't the boyfriend apologize, and she forgive him, and move on.
Sounds like that nursery rhyme 'Georgie Porgie'. He's just pushing the limits... then the tears probably made him feel that he did something idiotic. I don't think he thought that it would be seriously wrong to do that to his girl. Both partners have a lot to talk about... otherwise it is better to take a break from each other.
Hey John,
I like the way you handled this response in that sometimes sexual styles just aren't compatible, but I also think it's unfair to say that the girl's crying was an "overreaction." As you point out, some people like toying with dominance; other's don't; and it's entirely plausible for there to be reasons behind either of those preferences (although that's not always the case, either).
I don't know what I would do if I suddenly found cum on my face. Yeah, if we had discussed it before, I might be really angry and punch something. But I also don't like negative surprises, and if something had gone wrong earlier that day or I had some experience of past abuse, I could easily see myself crying. Yes, maybe it will feel silly later, but that's for me to feel, and the ejaculator to just accept that I couldn't handle that type of sexual move. It's not like crying is a response I voluntarily create to manipulate someone into feeling guilty.
Now that I think about it, though, the girl asking the question doesn't specify if the recent lack of sex is due to a particular party or both. Maybe that's the key. If it's his guilt, she should talk to him about it, say it's behind her, and make him feel ok again. If it's her, then I'd say breaking up or taking some time off might be a better solution.
Although I usually take the girl's side in most cases, I think this girl overreacted. First of all, if you believe that releasing during oral sex is disrespectful, then don't have oral sex! He could have done it on accident, or maybe didn't realize how strongly the girl felt about it. Mistakes happen in the bedroom all the time, but either learn from them or laugh at them. Crying isn't doing anyone any good.
I agree with anonymous! You know what they say.... DONT CRY OVER SPILLED MILK! Sorry, I just couldnt resist!
I think that crying is definitely an overreaction to something that her boyfriend was just doing because it turns him on. If he was pressuring her to do anal or something physically painful then I would understand. But to cry over cum is pretty rediculous.
Honestly, it sounds like this girl might have been abused-- like raped or hurt by men. Its not uncommon for survivors to have strong aversions to certain things that remind them of their abuse or rape.
I DO agree that they need to break up. She needs to overcome personal problems if she has them or get some counseling. He needs to be with someone more playful in bed who doesnt draw arbitrary moral boundaries into certain sexual acts.
Whether the act of cumming on someone's face is disrespectful or not is almost irrelevant. It is disrespectful (not to mention selfish) to ignore someone's express wishes and cum on their face anyway. She was understandably upset. Rather than crying, a more productive reaction would have been to talk about it calmly after the fact.
Absolutely agreed. I agree with John that the OP overreacted. I disagree that they should break up.
Not every woman is into getting facials, and it can be downright insulting to some...but she should have spoken to him about it rather than crying. IDK .. just my thoughts...
"I'd go so far as to say tears are an inappropriate response to a sexual faux pas. Manipulative. No wonder he feels "bad." You made him feel ashamed of something many couples do without all the guilt and angst."
You can't make anyone feel anything. She reacted with tears. If he felt guilty afterwards, he is responsible for his feelings and reactions just like she is responsible for her own feelings (or else she may have said "he made me cry" instead of "I started to cry")
I agree that obviously there is some sexual incompatibility going on here and breaking up might be necessary so everyone can get their rocks off in the way they want, but I disagree with your assertion that her re-action is wrong. Obviously this is something she is firm about and to say she "made him feel ashamed" is lacking a healthy outlook on emotions, reactions and communication.
He did something to her she told him not to do, that he knew would make her feel degraded and humiliated.
But, hey. He thought it was hot, so that's all that matters, right?
Did she actually tell him? Because in the question it just says she "felt" it was disrespectful.
If she hasn't made it clear that's it's a big no, then I can't see where the big disrespect is coming from. It's not like the act itself is "disrespectful", it's all about how you view it. She shouldn't make him feel ashamed for just doing it, unless the shame comes from doing something he knows she didn't want. Which we're not sure he did know.
Still, personal opinion is that if you don't even want to experiment with where the lovejuice goes, then your sex life must be pretty damn boring. No wonder he wanted to blow off steam and do something exciting for once.
And if he does it again, don't be a sap and cry about it, wipe it off your face and smear it on his. Guarantee he won't do it again any time soon, and you might make your point a little clearer than just getting over-emotional about it.
I agree with anonymouse. I don't know if she ever actually told him. And are we sure he did it on purpose? I mean maybe he got a little over excited and it just happened...
I do agree that the crying was an overreaction, unless as some people have mentioned that she was abused or raped or whatever. Tears are definitely manipulative tools (c'mon girls you know what I'm talking about) and it's not like he physically hurt her. Mistakes happen in bed all the time. Laugh about it and move on. If you can't do that....just move on.
cut the OP some slack, overreactions are just that - overreactions. you overreact when your emotions are out of control, people don't do it on purpose.
it's not manipulative if it isn't done on purpose! she didn't burst into tears Just to make him feel guilty, just like he probably didn't mean to upset her that much. sometimes you just haven't got a grip on everything. no dirty puns intended.
I've been with two guys who have released on my face and I've had two completely opposite reactions. The first guy released then promptly rolled over and went to sleep. The shock of it left me feeling really vulnerable and in that situation I was holding back tears. Even though I was ok with him doing it the way he treated me after - ignoring me, leaving me alone to clean up etc - really upset me. I'd not be so quick to jump on the tears as manipulation thing as often they appear before the brain has had time to comprehend what is going on emotionally etc.
The second time the guy released then leaned in and whispered how hot it was, how hot I was etc and then he helped me to clean up. Afterward I felt like some sort of Amazonian sex goddess and couldn't wait to let him do it again.
Different situations, different reactions. Of course I know that I consented both times and this makes things different than the original question but I just wanted to give a different perspective on the tears / feeling the need to cry.
He's totally right, how can you not understand that, sex is so serious lately. Why not live out every possible fantasy,want, desire, or lust with your spouse. If you can't share that with each other and respect each others wants, then what do you respect and share with each other?
Was there sex before this incident? week & weeks....just reading.
I think clearly there is some sort of underlying emotion to discuss to explain why it bothers you - give him a better understanding & he may enlighten you...
Most of my experience comes from FWB/FBs and depending on who they were if they would have done it I would have felt like he was being the a**hole he actually was or just realeasing what I brought on...
I mean it's not the most pleasant thing to clean off your face or out of your nose but - especially if it is your boyfriend (he's more likely to actually respect & care for you) it probably wasn't degrading & is somewhat complimentary. Personal preferences should be discussed & the only thing I see being a no discussion answer no thing is something that medically should be off the table - if it will be painful & not worth the pain or cause some sort of underlying medical condition to appear than there's good reason. if you think it's icky or disrespectful maybe you should talk it out - see both sides, you never know until you try and listening to someone who gets turned on by it tell you how it makes them feel may just do the same to you.
As for the lack of sex - talk, tell him why you were upset & that he sholdn't feel guilty, it happened once & you can move on (if you think you can) but remember if you aren't open & are going to use sexual acts as leverage...he deserves better
I don't think anyone should use sex as leverage unless it's for something fun like "you massage me & my massge for you might just have a happy ending ;)"
poor guy. Everyone wants different things and you shouldnt make him feel ashamed. Im an attractive and well respected person. Im not a slut just love trying new things with my man because he turns me on soo much..he hot! If it turned my man on.....more power to him. But I love pleasing my man! You?
You should break up with him.......im sure his next girlfriend will love it and more.
you can't tell a girl she shouldn't cry over something. if she cried its obviously a more emotionally deep situation than you see it as.