My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me totally out of the blue. Didn't really give me a very valid reason. Should I try to sort it out or just leave it?

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My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me totally out of the blue. Didn't really give me a very valid reason. Should I try to sort it out or just leave it?

Dan Seitz answered this question on January 31, 2012 7:55 AM

If there's no reason, and he won't give you one, then yeah, let it go. As hard as it is to do so, sometimes you just don't get an answer. Move on, you'll be better off for it.

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13 Comments

I have to agree with RP. Make the clean break and walk away. Although you might be wracking your brain wondering what you did to cause him to break up, or didn't do as the case may be, the answer is that it probably wasn't you. I know that sounds corny, but it's true, if it was something that you did (or didn't do) I'm sure your ex would've said something unless he's just a totally passive aggressive type.

Plus, if you are able to make a clean break and not look back he might wind up asking himself "why was I so easy to walk away from???" and that's gotta be some sweet revenge there...

Neil G. | January 31, 2012 8:42 AM

Score: 10

I agree with Neil, its best to move on, nothing you'll uncover will change anything, and might even make you feel worse. Cut your loss and move on. Live well, that's the ultimate revenge.

Mr. X replied to comment from Neil G. | January 31, 2012 1:01 PM

Score: 4

I agree with Neil wholeheartedly on this one. You can spend countless hours overanalyzing, then berating yourself, making yourself sick wondering why a person who claimed to care about you for over a year, would treat you/your relationship so cavalierly and recklessly at the end, and show you such blatant disrespect. So, do yourself a favor, judge him based on his final action, and take it for what it is...don't try to justify it or seek any kind of clarity/closure because all that does is make you spend more time on a relationship that can't/shouldn't be salvaged. As bitter or painful as it is to realize the full impact of the card you've been dealt, don't dwell too long, just cut your losses and move on. Sometimes it's just hard for us to admit that certain relationships are just beyond repair.

Oh, and consider this (this is what I told myself after something similar happened to me): "at least I found out now, and not 10 years down the road what a bad fit he was for me. Whew, thank God, I dodged that bullet!" ;-)

Abi Kinsella replied to comment from Neil G. | February 2, 2012 1:38 PM

Score: 0

I wish I had done the "clean break" thing. Take the advice. Trying to sort out is behavior is only going to hurt you more in the long run. Plus, if he could let go of you so easily then he isn't worth having. Real people in love don't do that. They fight for who they care for. He should've been fighting for you just as my ex should've been fighting for me. Take care.

Jackie | January 31, 2012 10:36 AM

Score: 7

i hate it when guys do this. it is douchey and it is unmanly, but it happens. but RP and Neil are right, you are wasting your time obsessing over it. the last time this happened with me it really sucked too, and of course your first inclination is to assume that it is your fault. but if you take anything from what Neil said, take the line that it probably wasn't you. the guy i dated that did this to me gave me the line "different places in our lives right now" which was only two weeks after he told me he and his work project were moving to my city and his biggest plus was that would make him more available to me. and then one day it was just all...poof. suddenly we were in different places in our lives which to me was not any kind of a reason and a complete cop out. so of course i assumed that one day he woke up and found a million different faults with me. that didn't happen. i did find out, through the evening news of all things, that his work project had fallen through. suddenly, his new geographic location on the other side of the planet made so much more sense to me in light of our break. it wasn't about me at all, and months later i discovered that he couldn't stand the thought of hurting me any more than he did, so managed to choke out we were just in different places in our lives. Neil and RP are right. make the clean break, and make him wonder why you don't care so much after all of this. it shows that you are a confident woman and can roll with the punches, which guys think is sexy as hell. maybe it won't be this one, but it might be the next one. it REALLY wasn't you, it was him. if he cant take the time to be man enough to explain things, he's not worth the time obsessing over it. sorry this happened to you.

chrissie1101 | January 31, 2012 10:45 AM

Score: 5

So what about your situation was douchey and unmanly?

kamakula replied to comment from chrissie1101 | January 31, 2012 6:50 PM

Score: 1

i know, it sounds now like it wasn't, in the moment that our break happened, it was douchey and unmanly. i found out about the work thing on my own, he never had the heart to tell me himself, i think he thought it would make him look like a failure. the thing that really irked me about him, like i say, at the time, was that one minute he was telling me his work was going well, he is moving to my city and buying a house, and we were finally going to have more time together. he actually said that the biggest plus for him with that was that he would be closer to me. then two weeks happened, we had our regular contact, but we were supposed to have a date and he not only cancelled at the last minute but bailed on the whole relationship by email with that at different points in our lives line. it was like, the rug pulled out from under me. we were, hm, about 9 mos together at the time and i just thought it was the wimpiest way to cop out of something. i gave him shit for it. we actually still talk and are still friends, not as much granted, and other than how he handled our break, i actually have nothing bad to say about him. but, i still think he could have been more of a man about the whole thing. actually i think if he had just talked to me about his work situation, and the move that he had to take to the bahamas as a result of this work problem, we may have even been able to work it out, but he never did. maybe we wouldn't have worked out anyway, i don't know, but at least i wouldn't have felt like i was worth nothing more to him than an email see ya when he took the easy way out.

chrissie1101 replied to comment from chrissie1101 | January 31, 2012 8:35 PM

Score: 1

To be honest, I don't know how this person can NOT obsess over it. She shared her life with this guy for a year, she let him in. She had to have feelings for him, at least a little.
So instead of the "just get over it" advice, I'll say take your time, think about it and analyze it all you want if in some small way it can help you deal with this, but do not waste any of your time on winning him back. Talk about it, think about it, don't censure yourself, but for your own sake. As a self help process (and again, don't do it for too long, otherwise it can have the opposite effect). In any case, don't do it in the hope of getting him back. Dude does not deserve you (or anyone?....)

nikitamaagel | January 31, 2012 10:54 AM

Score: 6

Well I friend broke up with my best friend several years ago and the reason was: she plain annoyed me. I just didn't like her.. as a person. Now how can you say THAT to somebody? You simply can't. So we stopped being friends and she never knew why and always asked me and it bothered her so much that she didn't know why her friend just stopped hanging out with her, and yes I realize it makes me a jerk, but it would have been a thousand times more jerky to be all "well, you're needy and annoying and I don't like your personality." Lots of other people love her personality though, so I know it's just my opinion and she's still a great gal and there is no need for me to crush her by saying something like that. So I accept my position as "the jerk" in this situation.

GalRetort | January 31, 2012 12:43 PM

Score: 1

that sucks but i have had that happen to me too. she wasn't needy and annoying but, well something happened that was something a friend wouldn't do let's just say. there is always a way to take the higher road without hurting someone. i.e. there is a way to lay this out without looking like a confrontational bitch. i cut my ties with her and she tried begging for me back, and despite what she had done i didn't want to hurt her either, we DID have a long history. so it took at least three or four emails before i finally said to her, "you know what, that lunch you keep begging me for just isn't going to happen. i saw some true colors a little while back, and you know exactly when i am talking about, and, that's just not okay with me. unless you want to take some accountability over that, we just are too different to be in each other's lives. thanks for everything." i haven't heard from her since, and feel like i made a very good decision there. i was true to me and that's all that mattered to me at that point. you can always choose NOT to be the jerk. i totally get why you did, and it sort of is being the bigger person, but there are high roads in every journey, believe me.

chrissie1101 replied to comment from GalRetort | January 31, 2012 4:31 PM

Score: 0

Same thing happened to me after a year - all I got were these answers: "I need to grow up and be a responsible dad to my kids", "I'm not happy in my life", "I'm going through a midlife crisis and need to focus on me right now", "When I don't trust someone I withdraw" (without giving any reason for mistrust other than I had worn a couple tops that showed cleavage?), "I need to stop drinking and partying and grow up" (which totally threw me because 2 birthday parties in the course of one year for a couple of my friends didn't seem at all like "partying" behavior.)

Cut your losses and toss it up to this guy is a selfish douchebag. I wracked my brain as to what I DID WRONG....and tried my best to f'n BEG him to rethink matters and said I'd change.......I agonized and cried...wondered why this man who I thought was THE ONE finally in my life would do this to me.

The truth was this after much sloothing on Google that:

He reconnected with an old HS sweethheart that had moved to another state with her family after Freshman year. Probably via Facebook which would explain his limiting what I could see on his page when we were still together.
He got talked into rejoining the Morman Church by his mother and sister and didn't want to tell me. (he had been raised Morman and rejected it in his teens)
New sweetheart was Morman with no kids and never married so he could insert her into my spot and not have to care about anyones kids but his own (I had one, he had three all from different mama's and 2 marriages/divorces already under his belt)

After seeing blogs both he and her had written on the internet, I saw how much manipulation he's done to make her think he's perfect for her. First was even having a blog - he hated that stuff and writing on the internet when I was with him. Second was being Morman - he told me he thought the religion was stupid and made no sense. Third was his "love of fashion" as she states on her blog...the guy had no fashion desires when I was with him and didn't like to dress fashionable at all.

They were engaged 6 months after he broke up with me...married a year after our break up. This from a man who swore up and down he'd never marry again. The majority of their "relationship" was based on a couple of personal visits to eachother (she on the coast, he in the midwest) but mostly skyping. He has a history of jumping into relationships and marriage - I wouldn't doubt in a year he'll be miserable again and trying to get through it relying on his faith in "our father" with the church elders.

The guys a douchebag and I'm glad I now finally see what a loser he is with his commitment issues, his lying, his lack of goals and leadership (he's a total FOLLOWER) and his manipulation skills. Frankly I feel sorry for her cause she has NO IDEA what she got herself into.

Moral of this story is be thankful you aren't with a guy who dumps you at the drop of the hat for no reason - it's not you...IT'S HIM. Find someone who deserves you hot stuff!

Panda | January 31, 2012 3:38 PM

Score: 2

The truth was this after much sloothing on Google that:

Moral of this story is be thankful you aren't with a guy who dumps you at the drop of the hat for no reason - it's not you...IT'S HIM. Find someone who deserves you hot stuff!

Panda | January 31, 2012 3:40 PM

Score: 2

I agree with Nikita on this. After a year-long relationship it's completely reasonable and fair of you to a) want/seek an explanation for its end, and b) obsess over it (for a limited amount of time, and to a certain degree).
As she and others advise, I wouldn't attempt reconciliation, but I would try for a better explanation from him. If that's not forthcoming, at least you'd have the comfort of knowing you tried to get some closure for yourself.
After that, I guess I'd face my feelings, then try to move on.
Sorry he sucks, and good luck :-)

Happy | February 1, 2012 5:38 PM

Score: 0

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