You're right, that's a drastic change. But over what period of time did it occur? Was it sudden or gradual over several months or years? It matters because a sudden change is more likely to indicate a problem than a gradual one.
We know that the human sex drive naturally goes through peaks and valleys (pun intended). We also know that people tend to have more sex when they first get together than they do later on. (I mean generally, of course--there are always exceptions.) You could be experiencing either of those with your guy. If you tell me that you were having sex a few times a week in 2009 but now it's only a few times a month, I might say, yeah, that happens. But if it was an overnight change, that's totally different.
If the change was sudden--over less than a month's time--then I'm not sure I believe your boyfriend when he says nothing is wrong. Something has obviously changed. He might not be lying or cheating; something might be wrong and he just doesn't realize it. There are many other reasons that people lose interest in sex that have nothing to do with infidelity. Things like stress, depression, medical conditions, side effects of medication and more can kill the libido.
You two need to have a frank discussion about what's going on and try to figure out the cause. He might need a physical and blood work. He might be okay with less sex, but if you aren't, he needs to know. If it's a problem for one of you, it's a problem for both.
One more thing--why is your sex life the only thing that makes you feel pretty and important? I hope you realize how unhealthy that is. You need to feel pretty and important regardless; your self-esteem should not ebb and flow with the number of times a week he puts his penis inside you. Your self-worth needs to be something that remains strong regardless of external pressures such as how other people treat you.
Yeah, I know: easier said than done, but it's a goal toward which you should strive so that the normal ups and downs of life--diminished frequency of sex, for example--don't automatically make you "feel like total crap."
Thanks for the question.
Sounds like self-esteem issue. Cary is right on. You need to feel pretty no matter what, girl, do your hair, wear that dress in that closet, and go for a girl nights out.
He could be cheating, but it can work conflicting schedules, tiredness, etc too. So hang in there. I think it could be cheating if 1) hes treating you cold/indifferently. 2) hes always busy, like ALWAYS, 3) he starts treating everything as non-important (that youre gone all the time) hes not bothered by that (because he has other plans).
Good luck girl. You need boost the self-esteem fo sho.
Awesome response Cary. Amen to not being emotionally dependent!!! Another question for the OP to think about is this: Is the lack of sex the only thing about your boyfriend that has changed? I think that if you start thinking about it, you'll start realizing he's lacked in other aspects in the relationship too. Maybe not hanging out as much, not calling as much, even something like say playing video games when you're over and ignoring you. Why am I so specific? That happened to me. I was that girl one time. But I learned my lesson and from that blossomed the strong, confident, self-assured woman I am today. Even my current boyfriend and I have had struggles with this, but like Cary said, I knew it wasn't because he didn't love me or thought I was ugly...it had to do with something going on with HIM.
It's understandable we jump the "he's cheating" gun; enough of us men cheat to make it a plausible explanation. But not everything is about cheating. I've lost my drive over the years for various reasons, and I never cheated on a relationship, period. A lot of time it was because I was anxious about something. Sometimes it was my own esteem issue, that perhaps, when it all done said and told, maybe she really isn't into me. Sometimes I got really sad news about a friend that really bummed me out and I just had no libido. Other times, it could have been work related stresses that left me drained. It's not easy to talk about these things either. Society constantly tells us, we cannot appear vulnerable or weak, we must always put up a strong facade. We are supposed to be her strength therefore we are not permitted to be weak. To take a verse from the bible, some days I would look like a polished sepulcher on the outside, smiling and an image of perfect health, but inside I was hollow and empty and felt like I was filled with the bones of dead men. Naturally, I would have no sex drive during these times, I couldn't muster the libido for my partner let alone another woman. Even the best of the best facades can only cover up so much. Also, there are some medical conditions, mental health conditions, that can affect libido, sometimes severely.
Talk to him, get him to open up, assure him you'll stand by him (you will, right? You aren't going to leave him for being less than perfect, right?) what ever problems or concerns he is having. Directly ask him, why is he having less sex with you now. He may be cheating, or he could just be hurting but hiding it. If he refuses to open up or keeps insisting everything is juuuust fine, then it might be another woman.
It all happened really suddenly...like I went home for Christmas break (2 weeks tops) and he completely stopped wanting it when I came back. I know we're having a lot of other problems (that he pretty much won't acknowledge), but I figured that we could try to keep things going if it at least seemed like he was attracted me or wanted to spend time with me. It had already started to seem like we weren't really even dating, so now that we barely even touch each other it's like there's nothing left. He says he's stressed, but he refuses to talk about any of it, so I can't even do anything to help. I've been trying so hard to make him happy, but it's like he's not trying at all. Like if this was the only big issue and he was willing to talk about things I would be 100% for sticking around and helping him out, but it's been a long time of him just refusing to talk about anything and it's really taking a toll on me too. He won't go to the doctor and he won't go talk to anyone.
Like MusicGirl2012 said, he's pretty much only playing video games. He comes over and spends the whole time on the couch and he's become the king of one word text messages and just saying "mmhmm" when I'm on the phone with him...it's really becoming something that I'm pretty unsure about...
I think the whole self-esteem aspect is just related to the fact that he's one of the only people who has ever really expressed interest in my physically, so I finally felt like I must be pretty. When he stopped, it felt kind of like a lie and that he must have realized he was wrong or something.
OK, there's no question he's losing interest if not lost it already, wish I could say otherwise. And it sounds like he is just keeping "on hold", like a sort of standby he knows he can have between now and his next woman.
You said he comes over. How much time is spending, a little bit, a lot? If he's still coming over and staying long, he probably doesn't have the time to fool around with another woman, still possible though. If its short visits, then its very likely he's got an affair going, and still keeping you around on standby, which is very shitty of him!
What other changes have you noticed? If he's playing his video games a lot, sure don't sound like depression or other mental illness to me. They usually cause loss of interest all one's activities, not just sex, and sometimes a loss of appetite. Any physical changes, like loss of energy, lethargy?
Look, as the others say, we don't need other people to validate us. In my experience, the majority of young women who weren't sure or doubted they were pretty, were. Maybe not supermodel attractive level, definitely ranging from nice looking to very nice looking, I would've dated them, if I weren't already married and an old man too. So, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say you fall in that category too, and are a nice looking woman. And even IF you aren't you're still a good person regardless! In short, you don't need any man, not your BF, not me, not guyspeak guys, to feel pretty and sexy - you already are, always have been, you just didn't know it!
Give him another week to open up to you, you've been more than patient already. If he keeps closed off to you, you need to, and I am under no illusion this will be hard for you, end the relationship. I'll bet dollars to euros he'll try to stop you, that he will sweet talk you to stay. Don't buy it, his actions recently have proved his words will be empty.
Once you're free, work on your self-image. You're already a good person, you just need to believe that. Take it from someone who could fill a college semester course on self-image problems, that's our biggest barrier in life - not just relationships. But one that can be conquered. You can do it.
elenaaa,
If I had known about Guyspeak 2-3 years ago when I was going through this exact same situation with my ex as you were now, it would have helped me gain closure faster and understand the way young college guys work. I say young, but that's like 2-3 years younger than me. Lol! Seriously, listen to Mr. X, best advice and insight you will EVER get. I hope more girls see this post and read the comments. Honestly, I think this topic is worthy of it's own blog. It's something all girls with self-esteem issues (like myself) could stand to read. Fortunately, after my break up with your BF's twin (I kid) I came out stronger and hit the ground running. You may not be able to do that, but you have to try. This is a great time to find yourself and build up the person you want to be in life. Focus on YOU, and worry less about guys. They'll come around, I promise you.
So I'm not really sure about the other stuff, but I know from experience that when suffering from a (diagnosed) mental illness, playing video games is actually all I did - I didn't have the energy for books or friends or whatever, but games made me not have to think.
Maybe there is someone else? IDK Hope it works out.
I don't know if the problems you refer to are more his, as in depression, or more about stress in your actual relationship. My guy won't have sex if he feels stress between us. For him it isn't withholding, but about his need to be secure in our connection before he can be open to me in that way. I on the other hand desire the healing of sex after a spat to know it is over. But we always touch, without that I could not stay...I need touch.
I had this happen. At first it was 3-5 times a week, then as we were together longer maybe once or twice (about 5 months in) then it really dropped off and I started blaming the new job he took and how stressed he was, then it just didn't get any better and I wanted so bad to be desired. My boyfriend before him it was the same thing, only I stuck around for years thinking it was normal. I loved this guy so much we would talk about it, and we went to the Dr and everything because he didn't feel good in other ways as well. The Drs tested everything he was saying was wrong with him, and my family Dr I had seen for my whole life, who delivered me eventually reccomended he see a psychiatrist. Well he got super upset and was ranting and going nuts. We ended up going through a traumatic illness that hit me out of the blue and he was there every step of the way but kind of went nuts in the process. I kept thinking it was temporary stress induced psychosis and he would come back. To shorten this in the end, I found out completely on accident that he was having sex with other people. Men, women, and couples. From craigslist ads. I hacked into his e-mail rather easily as he was open with passwords he frequently used and found hundreds of e-mails for sex meet ups, some of them were things like him sending pictures I had taken of him on our vacations to men and offering to jerk them off in our garage before I got home from work. I discovered a whole world of this I knew existed but never once thought could happen to me. I am traumatized years later and will probably never get over it, people say it is no different than any other type of cheating but until it happens to you, that your partner is bisexual and you feel like everything was fake you cannot understand the devastation. I do not wish this upon anyone, and I never thought the lack of sex was cheating, I really didn't have any reason to suspect cheating because there wasn't anything suspicious like late night calls or going out, he did this all while I went to the gym or shopping or while I was at work. You just never know, I would suggest if this lack of sex starts happening to you, you figure it out quietly by yourself and don't confront them until you have any and all facts. Watch them fabricate a story with only a small amount of information you let them know you know, they will lie right to your face because you have more info.
This is not an extreme case, it happens more than people realize.