I'm going to assume that you are somewhat young because at my age, that is not only cheating, thats a stabbable offense and likely to end up as the beginning story on an episode of Snapped.
I'd LOVE to hear his justification as to why that's okay. Look, I realize that when people have opposite sex BFFs all kinds of lines get crossed. But usually they're spoken and generally benign. Actual cuddling?
And yes, I do feel some kind of way about being a grown ass man and using the word "cuddilng". Thank you.
Cuddling is the first phase towards smanging. So while they may not be doing anything, why he'd put himself in a position like that is beyond me. Plus, his BFF knows that he's in the wrong. If her man was doing that with some other woman she'd be highly pissed. You have every right to feel some kind of way and request that he stop. It's inappropriate. Period.
My suggestion to you is to ask him why he thinks its okay and how he'd feel if you were cuddling with your male BFF. Have that conversation where you let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. Even if he doesn't agree or understand, he should be willing to at least cut back on that to not make you uncomfortable. And if he's reasonable, he'll understand why. My guess is that he likes his BFF in some type of way and since you let him get away with it, he's going to keep doing it.
So let him know.
Sadatay.
I completely agree. A quick casul hug is ok, cuddleing is off limits
This is a dumpable offense in my eyes. He clearly doesn't respect you and your relationship. You could do better. But if you're still willing to stick around with someone this disrespectful of boundaries then have a talk, in a calm and non accusatory manner and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel. If he refuses to stop the inappropriate behavior, you know its time to walk out and don't look back.
I dated someone who thought it was okay to sleep in the same bed as his female friends and exes. I even used those lines of what if it was reversed and I was the one doing it, and he didn't care. Be prepared for that too.
WTH?!? You have not dumped him why?
Dump him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Asker here. I don't think he completely understands because he's not possessive or jealous in any way, shape, or form. If I asked him how he would feel if I did it, I know for a fact he would be like "That's fine, why would I have a problem with that?" He's even told me on several occasions that if I ever want to I can sleep with other people if that's what makes me happy. (I haven't.)
It's definitely not something I would DUMP him over considering I love every other part of him (and I haven't brought it up to him that it bothers me because I REALLY don't want to come off as the controlling girlfriend) but he just does not understand what crosses the line when it comes to female friends.
WHAT! He said it is ok for you to sleep with other people?!? Sorry, hun, he is having sex with his bff. That was his way of getting out of the guilt.
This is what you are not understanding...this is a dumpable offense because cuddling is an intimate thing. Your boyfriend is being intimate with another woman.
What Lily said! And to expect your BF to not be intimate with other women is not being a controlling girlfriend, it's merely refusing to be a doormat.
I agree with Lily. It sounds more like his best female friend is more like a friend with benefits.
What I don't think you realize is that the reason your boyfriend is not possessive is because he is probably the type that is into open relationships. While there is nothing wrong with sleeping with other people if the both of you have an understanding and are okay with it, it is disrespectful that he would just assume that you'd be okay with it just because he is.
At this point, I'd be less concerned with looking controlling and more with being hurt.
Tina you sound like you are right on the money. Twentysomething, your current bf sounds like my asshole ex. Often times people go into relationships expecting that their partner is on the same page. You need to establish boundaries on what is okay and what is not. His female friend isn't going anywhere any time soon and he will most likely choose her over you if you give him an ultimatum, sad how relationships work that way. I think you should think about what is best for you and your sanity, because living in insecurity especially with a man who is causing it won't be good for anyone in the long run. Just think about it, he may stop with this one female friend, but will he continue to with another? Will you be happy a year from now with someone who doesn't even respect you? I doubt it. Move on for yourself.
I have two friends who claimed they were not the jealous type and truly showed no jealous behavior towards their boyfriends. In the long run it was because they never really cared all that much for the boyfriends so it never mattered. Both these non-jealous people eventually showed normal jealous tendencies when the person they were with mattered to them.
Shit. My recent ex never really acted jealous or possessive of me, and I took that to be a good thing. Turns out, he must've just not really given a fuck, seeing as how he dumped me over facebook a few days ago.
I definitely think there's truth to your comment. If you really, truly care about someone, you're not gonna want to share them with anyone else, in any way.
Woah! Normally I agree with what's said on guyspeak but this has got to be the first time I haven't. I definitely DO need to bring it up that it makes me uncomfortable, I realize that now, but he's definitely not cheating or sleeping with her already. He's the most trustworthy person I know. Especially when he tells me this kind of stuff, I trust him. It's not like I randomly found out they cuddle, he just doesn't hide anything from me which I respect a whole lot.
Jealousy/possessiveness signifying that someone cares is what I used to think until I really started thinking about it... if something makes our significant other happy (even another person), why would we want to stop that? The word is compersion, the wiki article can be found here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion
We've also talked about a poly relationship in length (I initially brought it up) and he knows it's not something I'm comfortable with right now but would consider int he future.
But thanks guys, I realize now that it's not "controlling" per se to bring it up to him, which is what I was really worried about. The last relationship I was in was incredibly controlling (from both sides) so I try to avoid that as much as possible :)
Wow. Ok then.
You're going to do or believe whatever you want in your relationship because it is your relationship.
To answer your original question, it is controlling to tell your boyfriend not to do something. It is NOT controlling to tell your boyfriend if something in the relationship bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable and asking him to stop. If he loves and cares about you, he will stop because is concerned about your feelings. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
If you're cool with it, then I suppose it's OK. But really now, it doesn't sound like you're entirely cool with it though. In a relationship, both parties should be looking out for each others' happiness. This means, if he knows he's doing something that bothers you, he must also consider your feelings.
You might be fine with it now but unless you're really seriously going to consider a polyamorous relationship status, this is going to keep gnawing at you.
While I understand where you're coming from, I'm inclined to agree with everybody else here. If that's what you want there isn't much that's going to change that. But just be clear...if it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, its usually a duck. I'm not saying he's not trusthworthy, but any man who will tell you that its okay to sleep with other people is likely doing the same under the guise of, "well you can too".
Again, do what makes you happy. But you definitely should have that convo with him.
He said "it's OK to sleep with other people if that's what makes me happy?". ..."not something you would dump him for..."
REALLY?
Michael Jackson also thought it was no big deal to cuddle with other people's kids in his own bed too.
For 16 years, Maria thought the Schwarzenegger's housekeeper had a son that looked alot like her husband Arnold.
Ashton spent his 7th wedding anniversary without Demi, but in a hot tub with several 21 year olds, just "chillin'" after a long day on the movie set.
Any bells going off for you yet?
How is this not cheating? To me cuddling can be more intimate than sex. (or at least has the potential to be more intimate).
Telling him it makes you uncomfortable is far from being jealous or controlling. Its being honest and if he cant handle you being honest about your feeling OR maybe the bigger issue... if you are not comfortable enough to express your true feelings than maybe there is a bigger issue here?
Nobody wants to come across as the controlling type... but expressing how you feel and having a reasonable adult conversation about it is far from controlling.
Safe yourself the heartache long term and run away as fast as you can if this guy doesnt instantly respect your wishes on this issue. Nobody needs to be a doormat!