Well, you definitely have a valid concern. But it's mostly that he's not being very considerate of your feelings. I'm sure he'll say that you have nothing to worry about and that she's just a friend no matter what happened.
But you are well within your rights to ask him to put the shoe on the other foot and ask if he'd have an issue if your best friend was a guy who you used to date who then came to stay with you for the weekend. My guess is that he'd be less than enthused in that situation. Now of course, he might be inclined to say that he'd be okay with it since 1) it's not an issue at the moment; 2) it serves his purpose; and 3) the likelihood of you having that situation is very nil.
At which you point you just have to reason with him emotionally and let him know that period, you're not okay with it. Look, anybody would be uncomfortable. I'm also guessing that he didn't ask you first. Now, I will say that if he did ask you, and you initially said yes, then you're stuck. You allowed it to happen. I know some folks might disagree with that and say that you have a right to change your mind. Which is true. But you also have to realize that you will look wishy washy and spiteful and dishonest since obviously you felt some kind of way initially but didn't speak your mind.
Point is...you just have to bring it up. Let him know it's about how you feel and how it makes you uncomfortable. Then you hope he understands. You also have to let him know what you want him to do. You can't just tell him and then say that he should figure it out. I'd tell you to kick rocks.
panama, thanks for the reply! i talked to him and said that while i didn't have an answer as to what i thought he should do (and for that i apologized), nor would i tell him that he can or can't do something (he can make those decisions himself), i thought it was only fair that i told him how i felt. by telling him now, hopefully i avoided any other drama or conflict that could have happened when she actually came to town and i met her. we talked about it all and even though we don't see eye to eye about the importance of something like this, he is well aware of how it makes me feel and was respectful of it, offering to cancel the visit. communication is so key, and i'm really working on that. thanks for the advice! it always helps to have a rational, outside opinion in situations like this!
Is there not another friend that she can stay with? Hotel? Is she just coming for the sole purpose of visiting him. It seems weird to me that his ex-girlfriend is coming to stay the weekend in his town WITH him, and that your boyfriend didn't clear it with you first. If he was being respectful of your feelings, he would book her a hotel room or invite you to stay there too.
EXACTLY!
why can't you spend the weekend there also? then no plans need to be cancelled, the ex will be forced to keep her distance and you will still have the chance to really get to know her. I think that if I was in the same situation, I'd make DARNED sure that I was at his house with him when his ex was staying... not because I don't trust him, but because I don't trust HER!!!
I totally agree!!! I would be at his place every night when she was there!! haha bottom line, yes you can be friends with ex's but only to a certain extent. Once there is a new girl in a guys life, he has to put her above any ex's period. Its stranger to me, that this girl wants to come visit him and stay with him knowing he has a girlfriend! any girl knows that wouldn't be ok with the current girlfriend. i would trust him but not her!! girls are sketchy haha. And if he offered to cancel the trip with her because of your feelings, just say OK and don't bring it up again. She shouldn't be coming out to visit just him anyways, the days of their one on one close relationship are over now that she is an ex
First of all, we don't know why the ex isn't going to a hotel. Maybe she wanted to but the guy offered his house instead and she didn't want to be rude or something. Whatever. Second, just because someone is your ex doesn't mean they can't still be close with you. Just because two people may not work together in a romantic way doesn't meant that they can't be a great friend match. In fact, that could very well be a reason why they didn't work out, we don't know. The asker said that this girl is his best friend. That's more than just someone you go drinking with on the weekends or invite to your parties. She's not some random female acquaintance, she is and significant part of his life. Just because she's a girl, it doesn't make her friendship any less genuine. Just like how we like our SO to accept our friends, it sounds like this guy is wanting his girl to meet and accept his best friend. I think that until the two women meet, any hostility or distrust should be off the table. That's only fair. Plus, if the asker trusts her man and his judgement, then there should be nothing to worry about. As close as he is to his ex, she's still an ex for a reason and she should trust that reasoning until proved otherwise. That's my two cents.
I can't believe I am reading some of these comments! From my point of view, there are women and then there are girls who have no idea what they want yet. To go out of your way to accommodate another woman in his life. [rolling eyes] WHY?
The qustioner said the ex is now his best female friend. There is no other information about how long ago the initial relationship was, why they broke up or even how long the questioner has been with her boyfriend. Frankly, one has to have faith in one´s partner. I think it is unfair to say the ex can´t stay with him when their friendship existed longer than the current relationship. I entirely agree that communication is everything, as is letting him know that the questioner feels uncomfortable - just to make him extra aware of his actions during the visit.
This happened to me once. He tells me after we were happily together 6 weeks that his ex had made plans to visit him 6 months prior - way before he met me. He asked for "permission" because he could not break her heart especially after she had spent money on airfare. Told him he did not need my permission because I could never be with someone who would put me in such a situation... He argued he was upfront when he could have lied and gotten away with it but the point for me was why put me in that position? The way I saw it, he was wishy washy and being unfair to her and me and could not have cared about either of us.
How was he being wishy washy if he told you outright that she was coming and that the trip was planned before he ever knew you? What if the shoe was on the other foot and you planned for 6 months to visit a friend but was told at the last minute, after paying for airfare and all that, that you couldn't come because his girlfriend of a month and a half didn't want him to see you? To me, THAT is wishy washy. Had you met the girl before? Was she a total skank or extremely rude or something? I'm not saying that you had no basis to be wary of the situation, but assuming you had never met this girl there seems to be no real reason to be against the visit. Unless you don't trust your man, and if that was the case, then you were doomed whether or not she came to town.
This ex bf for the record was NOT worthy of my trust. Years later, we were able to laugh about what happened between us. That "ex gf" was STILL spending her vacations visiting him and he was still torturing his gfs with her visits. He says he loves women/I say he loves himself. I trusted my instincts and it turns out I was right to in my situation.
I know trust is key to making any relationship work. To each his own.
I've encountered the same issue. My boyfriend's ex stayed overnight coz apparently they havent met in a while and would like to catchup, and it so happened that she was on her way to another part of town and his place is nearby.
I was at that point staying together with him and witnessed the entire situation. He came back early from work to cook, went to the railway station to pick her up. Stayed up till 12midnight to show her his 9mth asia trip photos. THe next morning, they had breakfast together and even though i was right in the same house i wasnt invited, was offered the cold hard boiled egg after they were done. He said he had meant it for me, and that he was dissappointed i didnt come out for bfast at all.
He came home early from work again to bring her to her final destination. Before that he brought us to a beer garden to catch some sun for more than an hour. I got really bored coz i didnt even know we were going to hang out and for so long.
I was pissed abt the bfast incident and he got really angry that im 'unreasonable'. He found it 'revolting' i would think they were doing something behind my back during bfast. He said it must be coz im tired from work and hence got so edgy.
All these happened under my nose and i WASNT aware they had a past together until a few months later he confessed himself.
And just 3 days before that incident, i discovered he had been emailing another girl to ask for her photo and asked to be able to take a few of her portraits the next time they meet. That was when the both of us started already going steady.Also he had similarly encouraged me to meet this girl for dinner together and came back at 11pm even though we had a very imp event and had to get up at 3am the next morning.He said she asked him to send her back.
Besides these incident, he is the most perfect boyfriend. I cant bear to let him go and try to live with the feeling but its just too hard. The past 3 mths we were living together, i had to get up at 2-3am in the morning to work coz we actually live in dif countries. The only way to make this relationship to work is for me to apply to work from home from his country, which has a time dif of 7hrs.Due to such a work arrangement, my salary was cut by half too.
Any comments?