Nothing. Nor should you.
You can't make people like you. You can change your personality to fit what you think someone else wants, but even if it works, they only like the person you are pretending to be, not the real you. So you gain nothing in the end.
I'm wondering why you care so much. He's just a boyfriend at this point, right? You're not engaged or married, so who cares? It seems a little early in the relationship to worry about such things, and it makes me wonder if ingratiating yourself to Mom is a tactic, consciously or subconsciously, to push the relationship forward. Perhaps Mom sees that and resists. I'm not trying to assign ulterior motives to you, just wondering why it matters so much. You might want to ask yourself the same question.
But even if you were engaged or married to this guy, my advice would be the same: be yourself. That's all you can be. If Mom likes you, great, and if not, so be it. Her approval, or that of any other family member or friend of your man -- well, it's the gravy, not the biscuit. It's nice to have, but you can live without it. Your boyfriend likes you the way you are, and that's all that really matters. Something tells me that Mom doesn't think any woman is good enough for her son, so it's probably not just you. She might speak fondly of the ex-fiancee in front of you, but how much do you want to bet that Mom gave her the stink eye, too, when she was around?
Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Her approval shouldn't be mandatory for a happy relationship with your man.
You can't make people like you. You can change your personality to fit what you think someone else wants, but even if it works, they only like the person you are pretending to be, not the real you. So you gain nothing in the end.
I'm wondering why you care so much. He's just a boyfriend at this point, right? You're not engaged or married, so who cares? It seems a little early in the relationship to worry about such things, and it makes me wonder if ingratiating yourself to Mom is a tactic, consciously or subconsciously, to push the relationship forward. Perhaps Mom sees that and resists. I'm not trying to assign ulterior motives to you, just wondering why it matters so much. You might want to ask yourself the same question.
But even if you were engaged or married to this guy, my advice would be the same: be yourself. That's all you can be. If Mom likes you, great, and if not, so be it. Her approval, or that of any other family member or friend of your man -- well, it's the gravy, not the biscuit. It's nice to have, but you can live without it. Your boyfriend likes you the way you are, and that's all that really matters. Something tells me that Mom doesn't think any woman is good enough for her son, so it's probably not just you. She might speak fondly of the ex-fiancee in front of you, but how much do you want to bet that Mom gave her the stink eye, too, when she was around?
Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Her approval shouldn't be mandatory for a happy relationship with your man.
I have no ulterior motive to move the relationship forward. I already live with my boyfriend and have every confidence in our future. At this point we've discussed marriage and though it's not in the immediate future, its on the horizon. I don't think I'm completely out of the norm to want his mother to like me. I feel like this is a pretty common complaint among women.
Other than that, I appreciate the advice. I guess I just have to hope she comes around sooner or later.
I wasn't fully aware of your situation, Amy. No, it's not abnormal for you to want her approval, and yes, it is a common complaint among women. I'm not sure why that is, though.
Thanks for the question and the comment.
I can see things from both perspectives here. It could be that the boyfriend is a momma's boy, so the mom is always around. If that's the case, getting along with her is important so it's not always uncomfortable when they're together.
But, I agree that being yourself is the best way to earn her respect and favor. My mom loved one of my ex-boyfriends. She compared all others after to him. When I started dating the man that would later become my husband, she wasn't a big fan (neither was my dad, but for different reasons). Over time, he was just himself and they both grew to love him. We're now separated (for unrelated issues) and he still talks to my parents, probably more than I do. But, then again, I'm convinced my mom likes him more than she likes me anyway.
Good answer, Cary. I've been married for 24 years. Even after all this time, there are still members of my husband's family who don't like me, and they have made it very clear that that is the way they feel about me. I don't know why they feel this way. I do know that I am very different from them and that I don't fit in very well with them. I do my best to be polite and to be nice to them, but it hasn't changed the way they act. Do I feel hurt and saddened by this? Undeniably, yes. Is there anything I can do about it? I don't think so. Not so far as I can tell. So I just keep to myself as much as I can when we spend time with them. And when we are not around them, I don't waste time worrying about it. I can only be me. I can't be whoever it is they want me to be.
First of all, I can't believe ANYBODY doesn't like Daisy. For rlz.
Secondly, I agree with Cary's advice. You can't change who you are in order to be liked, but you can be on your best behavior. Yes, most people want to be liked by their (potential) in-laws, but you can't do anything about it if they've got hang-ups about who is good enough for their son. Just be pleasant and respectful, send thank-you notes when they give you gifts, and they'll eventually figure out that you're a keeper
If not, eff 'em; you'll enjoy choosing their nursing home some day. D'oh!
Ha! So true about the nursing home. I'm looking forward to picking out my FIL's. I found one that was promising but it turned out to be far too nice. I'm looking more for the budget home, ya know? No frills.
Exactly. I'm thinking more along the lines of putting my FIL on an ice float when the time comes, Eskimo style.
Thanks, Bev. Hugs to you. :)
Firstly, I agree with Bev's firstly.
Secondly, I also agree with Bev's secondly.
Thirdly, I've come to the conclusion that not everyone in this world is going to like me, for whatever reason. Conversely, I also realize that I'm not going to like everyone in this world, so it's an even trade off.