Siiiiigh.

If only my love, the love of my life, with whom I had 5 years of friendship including 2 years of engagement, would wake up and smell the garbage that started off as a rebound and is currently a more serious "relationship" of convenience and co-dependence with a clingy, needy, selfish, emotionally and mentally manipulative, indecent (posted a dirty song about how far physically the he and she had gone in their relationship on his Facebook Wall for everyone--including his mother and me--to see), and mean (posted "loving" AND "I miss you" messages where I could see them instead of reserving them for chat or calling him on the phone). He was going to go to China for a year to earn money and she wailed about it and kept on wailing so that as far as I know, that plan is no-go. We were apart for most of the first year of our engagement and he checked-in with me to ensure that I was fine with him taking on a teaching job for a semester and when the job was renewed, he checked-in with me again. The next year, I had jobs: teaching and residential care of senior citizens and checked-in with him. We communicated several times daily/nightly to talk about our days/nights and made decisions on job goals/objectives, having kids, having sex, respecting our religious differences. He wanted me to live with him and asked me twice. I said no both times because I was in the middle of a semester and I couldn't leave my hometown, family and friends, and I didn't know if I'd have a job the next semester. When our break happened, he gave me the reasons that he felt he weren't moving towards further intimacy (we didn't have sex because I wasn't ready nor did he help me be ready any of the times that were possible), moving towards marriage (the cohabitation although he didn't bring up that he'd found us a place; we came to compromises on venues although he said we didn't) or communication (because most of our communication was after midnight when both of us were too tired or too lonely to be much else than randy), or geographically (I couldn't move out easily and every time he applied and/or interviewed for a job out of state, the job went to someone else or the offer was waffled on or removed; I still agreed every time to move out with him wherever he landed a job and inquired or was told about the opportunity for spousal hire. He added to his reasons by saying we didn't connect emotionally. This was one of the harder blows. Not as hard as him saying that we, as he saw it, had different expectations and goals without telling me or answering what those were when I asked. He told me that his future plans were synching easily with hers. Again: no telling and no answering. I bargained and pleaded; I started to cry on the phone and he told me to accept what had happened, initially cavalierly and then agitatedly. He didn't call me back. He has been on/off in his behavior: texting me to see if I'm around to chat; told me repeatedly he found me attractive and missed certain parts of my body and wanted photos of them until I called him on it: "Why did you.." and he responded: "I didn't...it's a dead loss for us."

She broke up with him and unfriended him several times one night and has repeatedly hurt and/or left him. He's taken her back every time but when I told him I was diagnosed with severe depression from missing him during our long-distance relationship yet he knew that I had a job as well as family and friends and his love, I managed to find the silver lining in every day, he broke his promises to marry me and stay by my side. I never trusted her because she came up in conversation as one of his close friends and since I'd only known me to be his closest friend, I was immediately suspicious and warned him because she was newly single and already in a casual relationship. This woman is a undergrad and young mother, a relationship-ruiner who flirted openly with him in-person and on Facebook via 3 love songs--which he liked, to my dismay. When I told him to tell her that she was being disrespectful to me, him, us and our relationship, she responded that she was being funny, mischevious, and meant no harm because she was re-evaluating (what, I never knew). She unfriended him repeatedly and he re-added her every time. My high school counselor friend has initially diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder and from researching it, I've come to the conclusion that she has had the symptoms.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. It's like he changed into a man that I don't recognize most days although I know him so well in some ways as he knows me so well in some ways. He continues to post euphoric love songs, including 3 that were his songs for me, because I know how excited he can be about romance and sex. I don't post any love songs because I feel old, as if I'm stuck in this alternate universe that's like a hell. We were the first grad school program couple and were looked upon with initial disbelief and ultimate support. His family, friends, relatives, and former boarding school attendees all were curious and eager to meet me. His family loved me. I could feel their love. I feel, too, saddened because he told me he'll always love me yet has been alternately cooler and warmer. I dream of us together, more happy, peaceful, content, excited, and joyful. We didn't accept each other as we are and not encourage, support, and spur each other to be better people. I sense that neither one in this situation does this. He's taking care of her, her kid, his workaholic mother, his split-shift working brother's kids (while his girlfriend sits at home, going on Facebook Mobile and whining about how bored she is, and taking partial care of their baby daughter) and is writing film, etc. reviews for little money. He continues to be tired or exhausted or sleepy. I worry about him and his heart and multiple health conditions. I pray, beg, and wish that he'll wake up to smell the rose of my love.