He was probably thinking that he would break your will and that you would eventually give in to having sex. Apparently you have a much stronger will than a lot of people out there, so yes, he gave up and moved on. I don't blame the guy.
This is not to advocate for promiscuity, but why would you want to wait for marriage before sex? Sex, with protection and with the right person, is a natural, fun, and positive activity. But, should you wait until marriage, you may very well end up with someone who is totally incompatible with you sexually. Why would you want to be stuck in a situation like that?
Well...That answer is bound to generate some hate lol But... I see your point, yes sometimes when you don't engage in sex you may later find out that you two are totally incompatible .
However, if you want to wait for marriage before sex I applaud you. That takes some will power and actually any guy worth his salt would respect that and not pressure you. I think anyone who truly loved you, wouldn't have given up on you.
I think, chemistry in a relationship is there even without sex. My god just by kissing someone, I know that the sex would be good lol.
Go on girl, don't change your stance on sex before marriage! I think its refreshing to wait.
Physical sexual incompatibility is just this side of a myth. 95% of humans are physically compatible. Sexual incompatibility is all about willingness to do things. This is something you can discover about a person without actually sleeping with them.
Everyone can be taught if they are willing.
Finding a man who will be willing to learn a woman's body is far more important than seeing if he can do it out of the gate. After 10+ years of marriage, the guy that was great for the first couple years could very well become boring.
To be truly sexually compatible, you want to know if he's willing to learn, change and try new things. This is a trait that carries over into many things. If the guy you are with is doing the same exact things he's been doing the last 10 years, then it is not likely that he changes much. So if you want stable, unchanging, he's most likely your guy. If he's willing to spend those first years at least learning and getting into the groove for you. He'll be obsessed with finding that one perfect position. Or he could find his perfect spot and stay there.
If you find a guy who is constantly trying new things, traveling, going for the thrill, then you've found one who will likely be up for whatever and trying it all and if you want a lot of variety he's most likely your guy, but I'd also check his dedication to at least something. Because if he can't even do something like say hold down a job, who's to say he'll stay committed to you? He could be mister wild and crazy and then after 10 years, he's sleeping with his assistant. Or you could be his one and only experiment that he is constantly trying to perfect his technique for.
There is much variety and the key is to find a emotionally and mentally compatible person. The physical will come naturally as long as he's willing to learn.
Key: Willing to Learn.
Not to mention its the emotional and mental connection that is really going to last in a relationship. Eventually, you will both slow down and then the real magic will be the emotional and mental bonds you made.
To the questioner: Kudos for waiting. While you are waiting you are forced to look at the emotional and mental compatibility of your partner with far more depth. Clearly you already tossed off one impatient guy. Best luck on finding the man who truly respects you.
Laje Kahr: Another commenter who I think is more qualified to be paid to give sex & romance advice than Mystery Man.
Agreed. MM lost his credibility after answering that question about wanting to break up a marriage with encouragement. That sickened me. Laje Kahr gives great advice all over this site, he should be a guyspeaker.
Okay, now I'm blushing.
Thanks.
Fab advice :) and I agree
Not MM's advice, Kahr's (just clarifying )
I am reposting Laje Kahr's advice on my Facebook (without your name, of course). I have been a virgin for 16 years and have been searching for the right answer about physical compatibility besides "I have faith I will find the right person". (I'm staying abstinent until marriage for religious reasons) This is, hands down, without a doubt, the very best reasoning I've ever heard. Thank you.
Glad to be of assistance. :)
Yeah, it's not an easy position to take. It seems the 70s are back with a vengeance.
Waiting until marriage to have sex can be difficult unless your partner shares your views. I applaud you for not compromising your desire to wait until marriage, and I hope you find a man who will respect that desire, and be a wonderful companion for you.
In my situation, my most recent ex was pressuring me to have sex... we'd done everything but up to a certain point. But he wasn't willing to really commit to me. I wasn't waiting for marriage but I wasn't about to lose my virginity to a guy I was 'casually dating.' I wanted a relationship and he couldn't give me the peace of mind that he cared enough to call me his girlfriend. He claims we didn't break up because of the sex thing--- but I still wonder. He told me I never jumped out of the friend zone, which felt like total bullshit to me. I just felt like sticking to my morals and not wasting sex for the first time on a guy like him who was something of a commitment-phobe. He'd had plenty of sex before me and I would've been willing to sleep with him had we just been able to get around that little snag.
Wow I'm going through the same thing right now! Except he says he wants to date, but when we make plans he is always is busy. Never know a guy who wants a relationship, but is too busy to meet up (especially with the possibility of sex). If I saw him more than once every couple weeks(it not long distance either) I might have. But for now its just kind of dragging along.
Oh man. My ex was the same way. We live in the same college town. We were "dating" but I never even knew if it was official or not, ya know. I wanted it to be exclusive but he shied away from all of that. I'd only see him once a week, if that, because he worked a lot and was always busy with classes. The week leading up to finals in the fall was the worst, and that's when we broke up. I'd say maybe get out of it. If he wants you, you'll know. It took me way too long to realize that we weren't going anywhere and that he was effectively leading me along for 3 months... I'm not happier now without him but I know being with him was almost like poison.
I would never get married to someone before knowing what the sex was like. In fact i wouldn't get married with out first experiencing many sexual acts with said person. If you wait until the wedding night to find out your lover has a foot fetish and you don't, you could be uncomfortably surprised. Its better to find out peoples sexual preferences as early in the relationship as possible. Best way to do this: HANDS ON EXPERIENCE.
You know you could just ASK.
Exactly. Talking is a beautiful thing.
i wouldnt have sex until im in complete love and think im going to marry him. i might wait until we are engaged. i wouldnt want the wedding night to be the very first time....maybe the second. just because i think sex can bring people a lot closer
Laje's advice is awesome! Where were you 12 years ago, when I was dealing with this issue myself?
MM, while the guy in question had his own reasons for leaving this girl, why would you try to pressure her into doing something she is clearly not ready for? She obviously wants to wait. Let her. At least she's not spreading around some nasty STD.
People who enjoy commited sex with thier partners before marriage are NOT spreading around an STD! STD's are usually spread with people who have many partners with which have unprotected sex. This is such a straw man fallacy. You have logic problems. People who chose not wait for marraige to have sex aren't diseased, they're people who chose to have sex with people that they love, not to wait for procreation (admit that thats what the bible says its for, if it was for love , then oral sex would be allowed). I wouldnt wait for a guy who wanted to wait for marriage not for the lack of sex, but for the mentality. I woudnt want to be with someone who thought sex was this dirty thing. I wouldnt want someone who cant trust my love that they need me to sign a contact to make sure i want them for life. I think its a rather extreme thing to do.
Thats a lie that 95% of couples are sexually compatible. If by compatible you mean thier parts could fit together than yes. But I beleive compatibility is more than just physical, its mental.
The only reason I dont like MM's advice is if I was told by a guy that he wanted to wait til marriage I would not pursue the relationship. I dont want some crazy religious bible thumper of a husband! You know a VERY small % of people wait until marraige- thats extreme!
EXACTLY
As someone who hasn't "waited for marriage" to have sex , I see nothing wrong with her position. She didn't say she was a virgin either. Some people, get fucked over enough times that they decide they want to wait..
I think, by sticking to her principals, she dodged a bullet. Because that douchnozzle left her, he obviously didn't love her nor care about marriage. And marriage is a priority to her.
No, having sex before marriage doesn't make you an std ridden person, incapable of commitment. You are comfortable enough in yourself to know what you want, so I will never judge someone who believes that waiting is how they choose to be comfortable in their relationship.
Personally I dont think he's a douche for leaving her. Almost all people want a relationship with sex, its not some strange thing that he craved something she couldnt give. I DO think he's a douche for PRESSURING HER. No one should be pressured into having sex, EVER. For those that want an emotional AND physical connection, I think its the right thing to do to leave and find someone that matches your values better. He can find someone who thinks sex is a really important form of communicaiton. She can find someone who thinks that sex somehow has something to do with morality.
I agree he is not a douche for leaving her. Clearly they were not on the same page. He may have been "douchy" in his actions, pressuring or how he left her, but clearly they were not "meant for each other".
While I agree on the STD comment, because the reality is the person saving themselves is avoiding STDs, not really preventing them from spreading. So, yes, in the truest sense, not doing it is the "safest". And just to toss it out there, there are people who aren't doing it for that reason, granted they are significantly smaller percentage than those doing it for religious reasons, but they do exist and they have very good points; some of those STDs are very scary and condoms are not 100% effective even when used right.
However, I do feel I need to clarify a little bit here on the "religious" side.
> People who chose not wait for marraige to have sex aren't diseased, they're people who chose to have sex with people that they love, not to wait for procreation (admit that thats what the bible says its for, if it was for love , then oral sex would be allowed).
2 points:
1) That's a HUGE assumption that all those waiting aren't waiting for love! If anything, they are saying the love the person SO much that they aren't willing to mess things up for their relationship be introducing sex too early. They are waiting for the right person (which is something most everyone here is agreeing is sensible, the only disagreement is whether that comes before or after marriage - with a few exceptions I see a couple people promoting casual sex.) Most of these "religious" types are trying to love a person beyond the super, duper feel good of sex. Don't invalidate them by assuming they just want to make babies.
2) You are wrong about the Bible. :) I defy you to find a verse that disallows oral sex. That is a Jewish tradition. It's not in the Bible. The closest is about a guy who "spilled his seed" (in other words, pulled out) instead of doing what he was honor bound to do, which was to get the woman pregnant. So the problem was not the sex act, it was the not finishing part.
It is also nowhere in the Bible that sex is only for procreation. This is another false teaching, by puritanical types who think all forms of pleasure are bad. In fact, the Bible says the opposite. God created sex and it was good, just like all other things He created. The Bible calls sex, "knowing" the other person. It is the pinnacle of learning another person. Not some necessary act that they had to "subject" themselves to. One of the books of the Bible is dedicated to the act of sex and delightful foreplay. So much so that Jewish tradition forbids the reading of it until the person has reached the age of Bar/Bat mitzvah (Jewish coming of age).
So if your definition of sex for love is oral, the Bible has no provision against that. :)
> I woudnt want to be with someone who thought sex was this dirty thing.
See above answer for "truth" about that. And further note: I agree 100%. People who believe sex is a dirty thing are very confused. It's not. The Bible says its a good thing! If God says sex is good, then who am I to disagree? Sailed the oceans and the seven seas....oops, sorry. That song gets stuck in my head.
> I wouldnt want someone who cant trust my love that they need me to sign a contact to make sure i want them for life. I think its a rather extreme thing to do.
Yup, it is definitely extreme in a world where casual sex has become socially acceptable. I won't disagree with you at all. And you would probably not be a good candidate to marry someone who thought that. :)
> Thats a lie that 95% of couples are sexually compatible. If by compatible you mean thier parts could fit together than yes. But I beleive compatibility is more than just physical, its mental.
Hmmm, someone didn't read much of my post or just glanced at it. :) It's okay. I've done that on occasion, too. If you go back you will see I address that very point very thoroughly. I'm not going to rehash since the post still exists, but yes, 95% is physical compatibility. Who nows what percentage are mentally compatible. I agree compatibility is VERY much mental. I would guess sexually compatibility is probably 10% physical, 40% mental, 50% willingness to learn, but I'm pulling that out of personal experience and people I know, so it could very well be observational bias. :)
Shalom.
Sorry this is long!
Im on the same page with you. Waiting requires patience & it removes most of these guys out here who want to simply "hit it". Sometimes guys themselves don't know how much pressure they put on females.
No new news though, females have been thought of as "sexual objects" for a while now. Society as a whole has really perverted sex as well.
Sex can alter your feelings. After all there's no real in between comeback from having sex with a guy.
It's either i'm happy we did it or I regret it. Sex is the highest place in a relationship. You're connecting in a way that is so deep. Sex is not something you should have with everyone, I mean were not sharing a "hey nice to see you again" hug here.
Look at it this way, some people really don't know why there in relationships but they know the sex is great.lol Other people argue so much that they have make up sex every other day. They're lacking in the love department and thats clearly because the definition of What love is has been altered and defined by what society makes it. As well as how they were raised and the principles they were given by there parents as well as what friends tell them.
You on the other hand, know what you want. Waiting til' marriage is GREAT, you just have to keep the faith. MM gave a straight up response from most of the guys I know. They're not worried about finding Ms. Right life is short and they want Ms. Right Now. No matter who gets hurt, thats not their thought process. Can I fault a guy for that. . . . when I get upset at the male race yes!lol
But NOT really, everyone is telling them the life style should be "get in & get out so we can party over here as well as over there". There not trying to wait, thats for when they slowly start to bald, and realize they're not getting any younger. When there parents are no longer saying my little baby, the new statements are "I want grand kids, i'd like to see them before I pass".
Then they will be looking for you, when they realize life is short and what do they have to show for it besides a cool pad, and great lovers!
You deserve someone who deserves you, and truly wants to build something with you. He will be perfect for you, because he will have the patience to build more than a long term (girlfriend, boyfriend) relationship with you.
I've had the chance to meet so many great females during my life thus far (I'm 22), out of all of them only 2 of them are virgins. Every time the conversation about sex comes up and I announce my virginal status people want to be my support team. They always say "I wish I would've waited". It helps me in these downing situations where a guy just leaves after pressuring you about sex.
Questions that always come to my mind are:
1. How long can you really depend on sex to keep a relationship stable?
2. Why buy the cow, if the milk is free?
Its refreshing to hear there are more females out there who plan on waiting. Your a blessing girl, stand strong & firm.
It's true... it CAN happen that you wind up totally incompatible if you wait for marriage.
I did that. Contrary to how you think things might naturally go... we wound up in therapy right off the bat because HE had issues with intimacy. This wound up being very hurtful for me - I did what I thought was the right and moral thing by waiting, only to find out that my new husband thought I was a slut for desiring him after we were married. No, he is NOT gay. Talk about a slap upside the head!
I never cheated through our long marriage. Wanted to... (I'm a healthy sexual woman) but NEVER did. Now that we're divorced? You'd best believe I'm going to make sure I never end up in a long term relationship like that again!
That's so very sad. :(
Yeah, unfortunately, one of the harder things about "doing the right thing" is a lot of those teaching stay pure are not also teaching how to find out about being compatible with a person. They avoid the topic of sex for a variety of reasons (fear of prudish parents, embarrassed themselves, don't know the answers, etc) or worse they are teaching the heresy that sex is dirty or only for procreation. You ex was probably screwed up by one of those types of teachers. I'm feel so very bad for you that he was like that.
At least you know one thing to find out about a person next time. I know that's not much of a consolation, but it is something. I hope that your future endeavors yield superior results.
The first night my ex boyfriend came to my dorm and school, he wanted to have sex and i wasnt ready yet. The next day he broke up with me and said it was because of other reasons. Then we both did friends with benefits and i had sex with him, but like later he turned into someone i didnt even know and moved on to another poor girl.