Ugh, that's awful. I can't imagine. But kudos to you for being such a caring friend. She's lucky to have you. It sounds like your friendship has been a big part of her therapy.
Okay, so how will guys treat her when they find out what happened? I can't say for sure, but I'd like to give my fellow XYers the benefit of the doubt and say that I think most would respond appropriately with compassion and understanding. I believe that for most guys with a brain and a heart, learning this information won't change anything about they feel for your friend, except that their respect for her will grow when they realize how far she's come from this tragic event and how hard she's worked to survive it.
On the other hand -- there's always another hand -- the world is full of asshats, and she could very well end up dating someone who thinks less of her once they learn what happened. So, the answer is yes, there is a chance she could be setting herself up for heartbreak, although I think the odds are against it.
But, really, what's the alternative? To sit in her room and hide from life for fear that she'll be hurt? That would be more tragic than being hurt. Every one of us risks heartbreak the second we start caring for someone, don't we? That's just part of life, and your friend has to live hers. You might fear that she's this fragile thing who wouldn't be able to handle such a rejection, but she sounds pretty tough to me. That's the only upside of bad things happening to us is -- we toughen up and get better at handling bad things that happen to us in the future.
If your friend is ready to date again, then wish her good luck and let her date again. She's a big girl, and even though I do not know her or you, I get the sense that she can take care of herself just fine. It's time for her to get back on the horse, and it's time for you to help her up on it. You're a sweet and wonderful friend, but you have to let go just a little bit. It's the best thing for her (and for you, too).
Tell you what, though -- if some jackass dumps her because of this, you can kick his teeth in. I'll even hold the sumbitch down for you.
Go, Cary! This is awesome advice.
Very well said, Cary. Any man worth having would feel sympathy and compassion for her and outrage against her attacker. Dating is risky for everyone. If she feels she is ready to date again, she should go for it. No matter who you are, you take a chance of meeting the wrong person when you are dating. If a guy thinks less of her or treats her poorly because she was a victim of a violent act, that's a sure sign she should cross him off the list and move on.
She'll meet a great guy who'll treat her right...yes, there are risks of her dating men who may turn out to be jerks. Good for her, for healing from her experience. I myself am a rape-survivor, but had gotten pregnant as a result. With a lot of heartbreak I gave her up for adoption, but still have a great relationship with the adoptive family and visit all the time. I dated men who not only thought I was a "mental case" who hadn't healed from my experience, but wouldn't acknowledge that I was a mother too. These men obviously didn't last, but eventually I met a wonderful man (in many ways, not saying he's perfect ;)) who not only accepted my past, but loves to visit with my daughter and her family as well.
So my best advice, she should take her time easing back into the dating scene, and trust her instincts...and if anything makes her uncomfortable, she should be able to put a stop to it, voice her opinion and walk away. Good luck to your friend!
I was raped last winter, by well, an ex guy friend. I never even really considered guys judging for me for being a victim! It's not really something that I bring up when I date guys... why would I? I suppose that if the subject of rape ever came up I would tell rather matter of factly, but why would be need to know otherwise? I would never let what he did to me define me. I'm not going to live my life marching around like a man-hater. What he did was ugly, but he's only one man. I'm not going to hold it against all men like some barrier to me and my body.
I feel like that I have wholely healed from the experience. I got counseling from my college that helped a lot. This is why I feel no need to offer the men I date the story. I don't feel like any of it has really left a mark on me, because I haven't allowed it to. Everyone heals differently from trauma, but he raped my body, not my life. I put the experience behind me and moved on.
"He raped my body, not my life." That's powerful. My hat goes off to you.
Look, i was molested 5 years ago as a teenager (now 20)...did not get therapy... and now i'm in the most wonderful relationship with the most amazing guy. I told him what happened and he accepted it as part of what made me who I am today...the woman he loves. She just has to get past it and move on. Its not the end of the world. There is always a chance of heartache when you are dating or trying to form new relationships and that is whether you were raped or not...heartache is a part of life...get used to it. Sorry for the tough love but its time for her to move on and she can't judge every guy based on the one from the past. She has to grow a pair and put herself out there, it'll be worth it.
I was raped when I was fifteen. I started dating again around six months ago, and I've found a wonderful boyfriend. He understands completely; he doesn't force me to talk about it and understands that affection can be difficult for me and that certain things are just triggers. She'll probably have to weed through a bunch of trolls to find a good guy, but it can be done. I'm living proof.
I'm glad you're a supportive friend and she's very fortunate for that. Not everyone is that lucky. My favorite quote from a fellow rape survivor and author Alice Sebold is, "you save yourself or you remain unsaved." If she's ready, let her try. But you can always be around to catch her if she falls.
You seem like a caring friend, but at the end of the day, it's not really your business. I know that you don't believe that your friend is helpless, and that she does have agency over her own life, BUT... I gotta tell you, very little bothers me more than hearing guys talk about a girl like this, as if she isn't in the room (and I realize that she isn't, but you know what I mean).
It isn't for you, or any man (or woman) to talk about her as if you have some kind of responsibility over her sexuality. To be concerned for your friend is lovely, but to turn to another man and air her personal tragedy on the internet to someone who doesn't even know her seems a little... I don't know. I know your heart is in the right place.
Let me out it this way; it seems like you're hanging on to her status as a victim (I know you think you aren't, but you're already imagining the terrible things that hypothetical guys will do to her, instead of thinking about how strong she is to be moving on with her life). This will not help her move forward. If every time she introduces you to a guy and you react with "he's nice, but are you sure he's not going to treat you like a victim?" then guess what you just did?
She needs to move on, and how guys treat her is irrelevant. There are assholes out there, there will always be, but her chances of meeting them don't go up just because you're scared for her. If she's truly ready to move on, then that means she can handle them, and she doesn't need comments from the peanut gallery.