First off, my sympathies. Death, even when expected (or a blessing - it can be), is never an easy thing to handle. I am assuming it is your Mom's mother here. If it is his mother you are SOL.
In a dilemma here, as there are multiple possible answers I could give, depending on the circumstances. The easiest is to simply not invite him. The easy answer is usually the wrong answer. One piece of information I would need is:
Does she actually want to spend time attending the funeral of a total stranger?
This woman sounds like a right piece of work, but let me ask you a couple of things. How much of it is actually her behavior, and how much is the fact she took your Dad away? How much of her behavior is from jealousy and fear of being sidelined in your father's attention and affections?
You sound like a pretty close knit family, so small incidents can get magnified way out of proportion.
Having said that, it is also the woman your father wishes to be with. It sounds like she has done a bang up job of pushing you and your siblings away from your father, which has got to be hurting him very badly. The funeral will give him chance to see you all again in an environment where she pretty much has to behave. Maybe that is what he is hoping for.
I'd mostly think of your mother. She will be in pain already and neither needs nor deserves more. Her attending will hurt your mother, even if the split from your father was the most amicable split in the world. Being traded in always hurts, and it is a time when she doesn't need any extra grief.
You can suggest that to your Dad I guess. He might go for it. He might not.
Someone will be hurt either way. Your Mom, your Dad or your Dad's girlfriend (yes, she is human too and can hurt). Situations like that happen from time to time, with no way to avoid them. All you can do is minimise the hurt.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
My heartfelt condolences.
Just wanted to point this one variable too: "and my dad has made it clear that he will not attend her funeral without his girlfriend/former mistress" - I think that says a lot on how he feels too. Although he is your father (and I'm pretty sure to some degree he's aware of the pain and hurt your family has experienced with his gf), I think he should respect your mom and your late grandmother by being considerate and respectful.
I do agree with MM with regards to those questions he asked, however. It's going to be tough, but if at least you show you're above the jealousy and anger by still being a gracious host (if ever) your dad's gf will attend, I'm almost positive your family will follow suit (at least for that one day she shows up in a very solemn ceremony). Your mom will definitely need support, and I'm pretty sure she will have it from you. But if your family can't really handle it, I guess it's best to leave your dad out and save his visit after the funeral where he could go with his gf on your grandma's resting place.
In some parts of our culture, when someone passes over, during the funeral, we whisper our own prayers to go with the spirit of the deceased believing they will be much closer to God (and so your prayers will surely be heard). It's a good way to release the hurt and pain you or your family have endured, and trusting the spirit will reach heaven with your prayers.
I'm sorry, I hope things get better for you soon with all this. I know it's a rough time, especially when there is a problem within family. Take care of yourself, okay?
ugh. what do you say? kudos to MM for another job well done. I agree though, this woman sounds like a right piece of work. Any woman that has the grace that god gave a slug would know not to touch this funeral with a ten foot pole. If she were his wife, she would get a little leniency, but honestly, can she really not handle being away from him for a few hours one day? I am SO sorry for what you are going through, so sorry, my grandmother means the absolute world to me. And it would really burn my goat if I had issues such as this on top of grieving her to contend with. Whose idea was it to bring her? Is it possible to talk to your dad about it? He may at first think you are just being the spiteful daughter, but if you look him in the eye, tell him exactly how this makes you feel, and he sees the grief and pain in your eyes he may actually get it. My ex's new one likes to show up to places to think she will one up me, and I have found that being gracious, elegant, and always smiling no matter what is the best way to teach her that she can't get to me. You are under no obligation to smile you way through it, but be there for your mother in every way shape and form as you probably are, and are just by asking the question, but by doing so you will show yourself as the bigger person. Remember who the day is for and it will make it easier to deal with people like that. My deepest sympathies.
His woman get to go period. She is right. She does not have to like you, you do not have to like her, But you can start burying the hatchet. Yes you may still be mad about how you see things but you could be so wrong, As you get more life experience there will be many times like this. In this case be civil for you do not know the full story and may never know it all.
I disagree with the above replies. From experience, I think whoever in your family commands sufficient self-control to remain distant and politely pleasant should ask this lady not to come as it would be disrespectful to the family as a whole. If she has any sympathy at all for you, she will respect that and tell your father to go without her. However, I doubt she does.
Allow me to posit my answer in my interpretation of what you wrote: this is your paternal grandmother, so having your father there is very important. Your father has demonstrated behaviour of not being respectful to his immediate family (took a mistress, effect on kids, etc.). The gf is a master manipulator – your father is still with her though she is apparently rude to his family, and he is continually willing to sacrifice the emotional comfort of his family (took a mistress, refuse to attend funeral) to side with her. Your father is selfish, and even more he is immature to issue such an ultimatum when he must be aware how you feel and your own grief. He is your father – he should be setting the example. I don’t think he wants her there to have her on her best behaviour – he wants her there because he does. And can, if he stamps his foot loud or long enough. Maybe he thinks you’ll all get along swimmingly if he just keeps forcing the issue. This funeral is not for or about your father – it is about your grandmother and her family.
Your family is grieving and needs to be in a supportive environment. They do not need this emotional strain at such a precious thing as a funeral for someone loved.
Wow, thank you Dixie. That is exactly the situation unfortunately, summed up. It's really an awful situation, and I wish my dad could see how he's hurting everyone by refusing to go to the funeral. I was hoping there's some way to reason with his girlfriend, as he's a very unwell person, and there's no talking to him.
This woman is important enough to the father that he is going to stand up to his family and refuse to attend a funeral. No one should talk to her except for him. He's the one insistent she go - the family needs to talk to HIM.
Going directly to her to request she not come no matter how nicely someone asks would be an affront to the father. He's grieving as well. Please respect our family's wishes and disrespect HER is what is being asked of him. Two sides - two realities.
Ah, my long reply didn't post.
Thank you for answering MM, and thank you everyone else for your input. It's really rough right now. And yes, it is actually my dad's mother... so I guess I am out of luck. Since posting this, my grandma actually told my father she does not want his girlfriend there, so I have no idea what will happen.
To answer a few of your questions - I'd say for me at least, it's not so much about having my dad's attention on someone else as it is how it will make my family feel to have that woman there. My dad and I don't have a relationship, as he has had a lot of mental health issues, which, unfortunately, he often took out on me. I've dealt with that, and am in a good place. I just worry for how much her being there will hurt other people in my family.
This woman... she IS a piece of work. She's harassed us by phone, email, facebook, in person by parking outside my grandpa's funeral a few years ago... Partly when my parents were still together. My father didn't really choose her over my mum, he's begged my mum to take him back, and insisted to us that he's with her because it's better than being alone. I know a lot of the reason he's pushing to have her there is at her insistence... very insensitive, in my opinion. It seems to be more about the fact that my mum will be there than about her actually wanting to go to my grandma's funeral.
Ah, sorry, I'm rambling. Thank you so much for your opinions. The last thing I need right now is this sort of thing to deal with when losing my last grandparent...