No. I think he finds it a reIief - a sanctuary, if you ike.
VioIence shouId frighten you if you are not used to it. He is never vioIent with you though, right?
Afraid I am going to need more detaiIs to answer you weII. Drop them in the comments.
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I'd be curious too. If he's been exhibiting signs of PTSD, then he should get to a support group. Many exist, and they're not only for American soldiers; civilians and non-combatant contractors who've were in war zones can be affected too, and need the support just as much as soldiers.
Why did you use capital I's instead of L's? Just curious...
Working on a badIy damaged Iaptop - my normaI one shouId be back from the repair shop soon.
OP, here. No, he's never been violent with me and I don't expect that to happen.
I suppose the difficulty is in talking about war and about current events in his country... My understanding of war, tough decisions, etc, is always in theory, and thus more likely to be idealistic or naive.
It's also tough to talk to him about his experiences, as I really can't compare them to anything in my life. I don't know how to approach it without feeling overprivileged and incapable of discussing things, due to lack of knowledge.
Until he's ready to open up about it, there's not much you can do or say. As long as he's acting OK, and from what you said, it sounds like he is, just be patient and he may open up gradually, and if he does, just be a good listener. I'm sure he knows you probably haven't experienced the same - indeed he is probably very glad you haven't.
War is hell. Depending on where he's from, it's very possible he has experienced or seen things that no one should ever have to see or experience. He may (though I don't know this, not making assumptions here!) have even done some things he feels ashamed about (not referring to warcrime stuff either). Not easy to talk about them. He may never want to talk about them, not even to you. If that's so, the let it go. If he is with you, then he's not bothered you come from a a different background.
It seems like he doesn't have problems talking about it. She is the one with the problem because she doesn't have a frame of reference where she can empathize.
I think she should approach discussions from a point of view where he is a teacher and she is a student. Her opinions can be explored with questions such as "given what I know, this is how I'd expect things to be done. Can you explain why this is different?"
In much of life,there are many differences between theory and reality. I have an idea in my head how things will go in my relationship, my girlfriend has different ones. So we must constantly deal with those differences. Knowing that we care about each other makes talking about these differences easier.
Trust that your boyfriend knows that your questions come from a place of wanting to understand, not judgment. Remind him if need be.
Good answer
Maybe. But I get the impression he doesn't want to talk about what he went through and she's does and is looking for ways to talk about it.
She shouldn't empathize, she really can't anyways without having gone through something similar. I remember a time a Somali man was telling us about how he survived two famines, was recruited as a child soldier, and some of the things he done, which were pretty brutal. There was no way in hell any of us could "empathize" with him, and some of us had been through some pretty bad shit. And even though he said he was ashamed of the things he did, nobody in the room even thought about judging him.
I do agree about being a student wanting to learn and understand, and not being judgmental.