I don't know. It depends on how you approach him with your complaints.
If you confront him with anger and accusations, he will react as anyone would: defensively. No one likes to fall short, and even constructive criticism can sting. If you do it with a pointed finger, you will never get the results you want. Over many years of marriage I've learned that bringing up issues with your partner is like petting a wild badger: it won't be pleasant no matter how you do it, but if you're gentle, you're less likely to lose an appendage.
People also get defensive if you are constantly on their case about something. Voicing your concerns and working through problems are healthy in a relationship, but if you have issues with your guy all the time, he'll eventually stop listening and just turn bitter.
If neither of these applies to you, if you feel like you are fair and kind when you approach him with complaints, then how he reacts is on him. When you get right down to it, we can't really make someone feel a certain way unless they choose it. We can push them toward a reaction, but how they feel is ultimately up to them. That's why I think that claiming someone else made you feel a certain way is frequently a cop-out, a way for us to skirt responsibility and deflect blame back on our accuser--consciously or not--when we know we've done something wrong and they are calling us on it. A sort of misdirection play, if you will.
I have no doubt that he feels defensive when you bring up things that are bothering you; it's a normal reaction when someone is unhappy with us. But if you aren't being a bully or a nag about it, then it's wrong of him to blame you for how he feels. He is defensive because he is defensive.
You two have to be able to discuss unpleasant subjects or your relationship won't get very far. You need to evaluate how you are approaching him with issues, and he needs to man up and be able to take criticism without going inside his shell and blaming you for making him do it.
Well at least you have a talk with him..
My boyfriend barely says a word when we talk about problems in our relationship, especially when he knows he did wrong... So I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a wall...
I don't know how to do to make him say what he wants in our relationship, what he wants from me...
My bf is really quiet, but I find we're more able to communicate if we're both prepared. So, I'll say, "I have something I need to get off my chest. It's pretty important, so I think we need to talk about it. When would you like to talk? Or would you rather I air it out in an email?" That way, he's mentally ready for it. Of course, only do it this way if you know you can calmly discuss sensitive topics without getting your emotions out of control. You have to be prepared too. Come with the the problem and a possible solution. Be open to discussion, and don't have a "Do this or I'm out of here" attitude. Ultimatums will get you nowhere but the door.
I have an ex like that (doesn't talk and i had the same feeling like you do) i hang in there for 8 years hoping he will change and did my best for him to work with me about our problems. When i ended it...he told me that he knew we had problems to deal with but he ignored it coz he thought i'll just get used to it & eventually stop discussing it. Which i did stop but i was heading towards a different direction in the relationship until eventually i have to let it go since i was not happy anymore.
Thank you!
The first half is definitely not me...I rarely bring something up (a few times in two months and only one was serious) and I don't get angry, yell or blame. I like to tell him how the issue is affecting me and how it makes me feel. So with that in mind, I really appreciate the second part of your answer. Thank you again for your answer :)
Glad to help.
Thank you!