I'm sorry, but your husband is full of it.
Why would a porn site automatically sign him up for a sex-finder site? It doesn't make sense and it doesn't happen. Also, all you need to register for most sites, porn or otherwise, is an e-mail address. If his profile on the swinger site had more specific info than that, the only way they could have gotten it is directly from him when he signed up for an account. I don't believe his explanation for a second.
What should you do? Only you can say. I don't think he will ever admit that he signed up for the site, and there's no way to prove that he's lying, so you have to decide what you hope to accomplish by pushing the issue. I'm not saying you should let it go--what he did is a big deal. Even if he only signed up out of curiosity, he's putting himself in a position to cheat, and that's how most affairs start. On the other hand, you already busted him, so maybe that will be the end of it. I just don't know. You can only follow your gut. Does it tell you that he's looking to cheat? If so, by all means, make him explain himself.
Good luck, and thanks for the question.
Good grief...why do soooo many men (OK, maybe not ALL men, but 80% of those I know) have such low self-control?
They are, or seem, so easily swayed into emotional infidelity via the internet...and seem to act like "helpless victims" of some evil underworld sex scheme to make guys look guilty. REALLY?
It's a plot against you, the honest, innocent, just-living-his-normal-life-not-hurting-anyone guy?
He casually denies a site "getting all of his personal information somehow", but I bet if he was overcharged for wiper blades at Home Depot, he'd haul ass back there in a hot second to rectify the problem with a manager.
Many choose to blame the internet for our mistrust of these men, but that's like blaming McDonalds for making you fat, or blaming the clock for making you late.
When I'm in relationships, I can openly talk about web porn sites...there is no guilt or shame in a little individual private inspiration for a few minutes at a time, as needed, but it has never led to me wanting to cheat, needing to cheat or being the accidental member of a sex personals site.
(steps down from soapbox)
Cary's right. In a nutshell, he's not telling the truth. Why? You need to ask him.
I guess since it is out in the open so to speak, If I were you I would want to know what is missing for him in the relationship that he feels he needs to get on adult finder? Hopefully this is an opportunity for you to work through some things and grow closer.....
I think the only way to deal with this is to actually only confront them with incriminating evidence. It's the only way. You can't argue with evidence. Unfortunately, it's not how a relationship should be. You shouldn't have to be a private investigator for your SO.
Unfortunately, liars lie when it benefits them to do so. I read somewhere that a majority of people will deny to their death before they admit they did something wrong. It's just puzzling how someone can do this to someone they apparently "love".
I have a similar problem, only it's not with porn but with facebook posts. Denied, denied, denied it. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm ready to give up the relationship but I think at the same time, I think trust is essentially broken. I'm just baffled at the fact that there was a need to lie in the first place.
(Sorry for the post in post! Just needed to vent...)
oh god. i'm so sorry this happened to you. unfortunately, i can relate all too well. that also is by the way a paying site for men, so he's also spending money on this which should be more proof that he is absolutely full of it. is there any way you can get into it? if he hasn't cleared the cookies you might be able to, though, if you have brought it to his attention, now you might not. you may consider getting a keylogger program to hack the information yourself, if you want to go that far......if you can get in to the account, here are my suggestions. a) don't do it alone. be there with a friend, sister, whatever who will serve as moral support for starters, and as a witness if you ever need one. i guarantee you if you can get into it, you won't like what you see so that's the main reason i say that. you may see enough that will sicken you to the point of turning everything off so you don't have to deal with it, so that's why having someone there helps too. sorry that i have to say that. : ( for me, i found out my husband was using ME as the primary in his profile as bait for threesomes that he never involved me in, but it was easier to get responses from women as they trusted a woman writing more. i honestly still wouldnt believe that to this day, if i didn't have someone with me that saw it for themselves. i to this day have not looked at the file i have printed other than passed it off to my lawyer in a sealed envelope. i say that to you to tell you, this is NOT just a regular dating site, it is everything that is....beyond conventional is all i can say. if you can get in, you will not be happy about what you find there, i am about 99% sure of that. b.) print everything. EVERYTHING. print the profile, and go to the Inbox and print every single thing you see there. for me, it took about 6 1/2 hours of printing to the tune of a telephone book sized file. print received AND sent messages. look in the deleted messages and see if there is anything there, print it. you also need to print the membership profile, where it shows how long he has been a member, and other membership details such as the email address he is using for it. chances are, it's an email you have never heard of. just get every piece of data that you can from that. c.) make a copy of everything you have printed and keep one copy in a secure location he can never access and/or destroy. a digital file is not good enough, you need TWO hard copies. one to discuss with him or for leverage purposes, another for evidence to show a divorce lawyer if you ever decide to leave this mother fucker. d.) do this as soon as possible because now he knows you are "on to him". tonight if you can. if he is the type to clean histories, then he also might know you are coming here and exposing him and he may be the type to try and destroy it all before you can do any of this. so, the sooner the better.
what you do with all of it after that is really up to you. if he's anything like my "prize" (eyeroll) there isn't a single word worth believing. but every situation is different. i am hoping for you this is just a passing thing that he thought he would check out and maybe realized he was in over his head once he got in. maybe. i'm hoping for your sake. but if not, having printed copies will only work FOR you, not against you, in the long run. definitely follow your gut. if the hair on the back of your neck starts standing up on its end while he is trying to back pedal, well, you know what that is telling you. again, i am soooo sorry this happened to you.
He's up to no good. Unlike the myriad of social network sites, these types of sites are specifically for finding hookups. No other reason; not for sharing common interests, not for meeting new people from different cultures. Sex plain and simple.
If his profile is recent, which I'm guessing it is, bring it up to him, directly, if he denies it, show his profile on the screen. Sorry, but a person in a committed relationship where monogamy is expected, would join a site such as adult friend finder. You need to directly confront him about this.
Thanks Cary for answering my question, and everyone for your 2 cents. Here's a little more info I couldn't fit in my original question:
1.When I inspected his account, it was clear that it was never active. There were no page views, no messages, no contacts with other members and he never signed up for the paid membership.
2. When I confronted him about it, he gave me full access to his computer and invited me to look at whatever I wanted, because he knew it would be clean. I did and it was.
3. Also, I should say he has truly been a devoted, wonderful husband for 10 years and has never given me any cause to suspect him before -- there are no other red flags.
So I would find it completely plausible that my husband would sign up for this site out of curiosity and for a little vicarious thrill, and honestly I would have zero problem with that. What is deeply troubling is how quickly and easily he lied about this. Now I don't know what to believe anymore.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's not lying. I've just never seen a site that automatically signs you up for another site like that, and my gut tells me it's BS. But if he's been on the up and up about everything else, maybe the best idea is to give him the benefit of the doubt and move on.
This clears things somewhat. Without knowing your husband, can't say why he would sign up for such a site. But the lack of activity is a good sign. I wouldn't let this go entirely, but neither would I make a big deal about it. You're right, its the lying that does it. My take is its our human nature, our hubris; we tend to overestimate ourselves and underestimate others, so when we get suddenly asked with a question, which we should clearly realize that if we're being asked, the asker already knows. But instead we tend to deny hoping this lie will get us out of a hot spot, which for the moment it does, but most of the time, it catches up, and we end up in more trouble than if we had fessed up earlier.
Find out why he joined, I'm with Cary, I've, um, signed on to porn sites, and while I've seen them offer promotions and discounts for adult hookup sites, I've never known one to *automatically* sign you up. Still, the porn industry rapidly changes, particularly on the web. Something must have compelled or enticed him, even though he doesn't seemed to have done anything with it. And tell him you're more upset about the lying than his profile being on the site.
i agree with Cary, there is a bad smelling duck here, that's just my gut too. but hard to guage just from this post and answers, only you know what your gut is telling you. i apologize for cursing earlier, it was late (for me lol) and i was tired and this kind of thing really brings it out in me, so my apologies. the fact that he has "come clean" as you say could be good, those are some good signs, but i have also seen that as a way of throwing a red herring too. "oh good, i've shown her enough fake proof so now she thinks i'm back to being honest." my first thought when i read that was, how many other computers does he have access to that you don't? if your gut is questioning the lies, there's a reason for it. i am a bit of a cynical bitter banana about these sorts of things though. but i always say, if you see one rat, that only means there's 50 more you can't see. if you are actually in a place where you don't know what you believe any more, you aren't going to get out of that place until you get answers or work on the trust between the two of you again. at the very least he has put a crack in it, pretending it isn't there isn't going to make it go away, will just make it bigger. it kind of sounds like he has to do a lot of the work there to give you more peace of mind. just keep trusting your instinct. good luck with this.
Hi again -- thanks for all your feedback guys. Here's a little update. My husband and I did sit down for a long talk last night. It did clear up some things and made me feel better about where we're at. We both felt that we really want our marriage to work, and agreed it would be good to go to a few sessions of couples counseling to get back on track. This may be a silver-lining situation where having this happen prompted us to have a conversation we really needed to have. And actually it was reading Cary's answer and your comments that helped me decide to confront him about this, so thank you for that. I feel a lot better today.
I am so glad you had a talk with him about this. At least he know you doubted his stories and you have something to work with.
I agree with Chrissie1101 regarding a keylogger. There is enough evidence to justify huge doubt. A keylogger can show he is innocent or prove guilt. You deserve peace of mind. By definition a cheater is deceptive and will use lies to elude being caught or stopped.
Discovered husbands profile on adult friend founder and request for online explesite chatss and seductive emails one one on none sex. Ann's discrete relationships. He. Finalllly admitted o joining and says he forgot abooutit and was horrny and mad at me when joined stating he has nnever been activ on it. However it shows matches to his profile and friend requests that keep coming through and are many on same day and time ass well....does this mere an he's pperhapps online to chat therefor they seeing something hhe haas. Posted?? Theyyy are in close distance from pour homer as well. I am devastated and he says iive Bremen snooping and tuning our marriage buy snoopping. The site sys he's revived two flirts this month and two friend requests with their profiles that he has access to send message Ann's he I listed as a standard member. Can you answer my questions?
I just want to put this out there. My husband is at bootcamp and I found an Adultfriendfinder account in his email. At first I wasn't snooping but then I did, I do feel bad because I know it's wrong I just had this nagging feeling. Then I thought I won't find anything, typed AFF in and up popped a few messages. The profile is a little weird, has a really weirdly worded paragraph, everything is spelled correctly which would be rare for him (he is smart just a bad speller) and it had the wrong age and height there was no mail or anything. The account was from 2007 (we were together then too) and didn't look like it had been touched or anything. Still I'm insanely mad, I stayed up and cried all night because there is no way for me to reach him to talk about it, and I thought the one thing he would never do was cheat. He's always been affectionate to me and sometimes a little too grope-y (It's hard to exercise with him around) and would text me nearly every minute of the day before bootcamp. Drove me crazy actually so I have no idea when he even could cheat on me.
Coincidently he gets to call me today. Denies it like crazy, of course I don't believe him and then he has to leave. I see he has a new message in his email like an hour later, it's a brand new adult friend finder account, created that minute. Which he would not have been able to do. I had been looking through the website pretty throughly moments before trying to get every bit of info I could but did NOT create an account. Completely different paragraph in new bio that also didn't sound like him, talked about moving to find love, willing to travel far... Last one was all about being discreet, this one is all about finding love... he can't move or travel wherever he wants he just signed his rights away. Age kept changing from 27 to 28 (he is neither) looked a lot like the last profile. I'm not saying he never looked at the site or never signed up for it but it really do think it created that last account on it's own.
the best thing u can do is get his password and see if he uses it regularly,if so track it and it would be clear2u,coz his backup mail also should sa something about that
Same thing same excuse iv made a profile its not possible to have been done through porn ect so tonight my partner looses his gf and kids would go on his to see if he has cheated but been trying for months to guess password and for all i care he can rot in hell that site is a relationship reacker same as shagbook.com which he also claims not to have made ! Im litrally in tears but i know im doing right thing ;(
Lets be blunt here.. If a guy isnt getting satisfying varied sex, then he is going to look around for that variety.. That doesnt mean hes not commited to your relationship, he just needs to have better than boring once a week sex!....Sorry if this offends some, but its the plain and simple truth!.