At its core this really isn't a complicated issue. Yes, your husband donated a part of himself to you, but if keeping you alive means he could have someone to abuse, then tough sh*t Mr. hubby.
His good deed doesn't negate his abuse. His good deed doesn't give him a free pass. If anything it should entitle him to appreciate and respect you even more.
I'm not saying the first step is leaving him, but I am saying it is a perfectly reasonable last step if things don't change; it is the right choice for a chronic victim of abuse. In this case you won't be a "heartless bitch" but a "healthy woman" leaving a sick environment.
Even if a bully gives you a stick of gum in 5th grade, it doesn't mean he has the right to kick your ass everyday in 6th grade.
Good Luck.
brilliant brilliant answer. please read every word of that at least 7,000 times. and then when you're not sure what to do next, read it again until you are. god bless.
Abuse escalates. It's true. When your husband can't control your actions with a slap in the mouth, he will punch you. When that's no longer working, maybe he'll knock you out because you wouldn't make his dinner, wash his favorite t, or shut up when he told you to shut up. He may have saved your life, but that doesn't give him the right to jeapoardize it, or take it. Leave him, and find a man who treats you like a human being.
Hello, I almost died 2x and was very ill, causing my family a great deal of worry. I was partially responsible, so I owed my family big time. I gave them 3 yrs to give me a hard time (only mom knew). I got better (against medical advice) and am a better person. We are far from perfect, but we get along well.
People cannot ask for more than your best.
When someone gives you a gift, it is supposed to be yours to use as you please. If a lot of guilt comes w/ the gift, that seems impossible. Acknowledge it and move on. You ARE going to feel bad about leaving him, since he's abusive, he'll going to make you feel even worse. Put a time limit on it, "I am not going to put up w/ his transplant guilt after x amount of time". He'll have his say, then you can process your recovery. You've served your time. Don't waste his precious gift of life by providing him w/ YOU to resent and abuse. Celebrate his deed by getting away permanently so he has a chance of a recovery of his own. Don't hold your breath on that one though. You'll have done your best. I wish you well.
I had breast cancer which was diagnosed 2 weeks before our first wedding anniversary. I had to have major surgery to save my life which was a full mastectomy and cancerous lymph nodes taken out, they rebuilt my breast at the same time which was made out of the muscle in my back.
When i came around from the surgery i was high on morphine and giggled when my sister visited me,but i was in and out of sleep when my husband was there and when i woke '''he was annoyed that i had 'had a laugh' with my sister, but dozy when he was there and so he was nasty to me and went home in a bad mood because of this. I didnt remember the giggling or that either of them had even been there but that didnt matter, he didnt like it and stormed off and left the ward to the amazement of the other patients, visitors and staff. I was ill and in pain it didnt even register how bad it was that he had done.
I had a 3 month recovery period then started on 8 months of very intense chemotherapy. My very long hair fell out after 3 weeks (which was the least of my worries) but when i bravely went out for the first time without a wig and with just a bandana on and went to a friends house where my husband was to come to as well after he had finished working..... when he turned up and saw the bandana he went beserk saying he should have been with me when id turned up there, he stormed off home and locked me out of the house, i was very ill and weak after just having had my chemotherapy and even our friends could not talk him around letting me back in the home, we were knocking on the door with me crying and he was shouting and ranting and raving like a lunatic and telling us to 'fuck off' repeatedly and that hed never let me back in the family home...He let me in after a couple of hours and i was shouted at and ignored for days until 'he calmed down'.
My children at this time (to my ex husband) were my son 12, twin girls 9 and youngest daughter just 7 years old!!!!
He also still insisted that his kids and stepdaughter from his previous relationship (aged then 8, 6 and 4 years old) still slept over at our house every single weekend even when i had my chemotherapy on the thursday (chemo was every three weeks) and so there were 7 kids in the house whilst i was ill every weekend, his boys were very unruly, loud and never left me alone nattering for drinks, food etc and it was ME who dealt with them all whilst he ''repaired things in the garden'' , did DIY in the house etc..... it was one of the most AWFUL TIMES IN MY LIFE...... but it was HIM who was 'suffering'' and needed sympathy because his wife was ill, it was him who left ME to it and also 'needed space' and 'needed' time to do his own thing and go drinking.... and then come home in a mood to me. (he did not leave me with the 7 kids and go drinking but it was usually me who ended up sorting out the fights and whatever they all needed when they was all together)...
If i complained he would say... well i took your kids on, you are selfish..... i didnt want him to never see them i just thought he should not have had them to sleep during the times i was ill and had chemo and to have sometimes took them elsewhere, maybe to the park or something when i was really ill and not to the house when i could not cope with the noise.... but he would say that ''I Was Been Selfish''..... I really thought that he was right and that i was been horrible and selfish, after all ''he had taken my 4 kids on''.... During my remission there was lots and lots of ''conflict, emotional, verbal abuse etc but i just did not see it'', i had been made to feel that i needed him and that i owed him, he was always a great provider and a very hard worker, working many hours to give us a nice home. I also was very deeply in love with him, i had known him years previously when i was a teenager and had a brief relationship with him, so when we had met up again after i had ended ''another very abusive relationship which lasted 12 years'' (my 4 childrens father) it was like a fairytale that i had after 25 years met up with my 'first love' !!!! what i didnt know was that i was so fucked up by my first '''marriage''' that i went from the fire into the frying pan and entered another controlling and abusive marriage.
The cancer came back again three years later and i had several months of radiotherapy, again what i did not realise at the time was it was also '''poor him''' again....
It took me until 2 months ago to end the relationship for the final time.... it is awful, i feel guilty even though i no i should not, i know my head is screwed up with years of abuse not just from him but also my ex but for the first time in years i know that I HAVE TO HEAL, TO FIND ME AGAIN, TO BE A MOTHER FIRST and enjoy and support my 4 children who have also suffered in all over 22 years of abuse and control altogether, i am doing it for me but mainly for my kids who i do not want to end up with relationships like i had. i will never, ever, ever trust or believe another man in my whole life, ive had bad choices and didnt even know how and why but i know i need to be by myself with my kids now... It is hard because he has made several suicide attempts, some of them he has been lucky to survive and some of them staged and not done in a way that would have killed him... i still feel guilty, confused, i still feel love and i still care, i wish i didnt and i dont know why (i understand the dynamics of domestic violence so do no why just dont understand myself) i have been so close to losing myself altogether, he just about conqured and fully controlled me but i have found the stregnth and i dont know where from but i do know that after all i have been through with my illness, i am so lucky to still be alive, i have suffered so much pain and illness with the cancer i cannot believe how he could have treated me so bad, i should have been treat like a princess and should have been looked after and instead i have been punished!!!! im slowly healing from all that i have gone through..... he is at the moment in prison for breaking conditions and bail orders, he is free in 2 weeks, i dread the day and i know he will continue to harrass and try to make me take him back but i wont, my life, my health (im now 46) and the health and futures of my four children (20, 18 and 16) who depend on me matter more than someone who should have treated me better.... !!!!!!! we had about 8 ''fresh starts'' in the last 2 years, i should have given him ONE CHANCE only but he took advantage of my love for him and trampled all over my soul...