That's a tough situation. Many people think that ADD (attention deficit disorder) and ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactive disorder) only affects kids. Sadly, many adults also struggle with this serious mental condition. Also, many people go undiagnosed. It's a term we throw around haphazardly ("Stop being so ADD!") without thinking that it is a condition that affects many people. Sometimes we think that people who have trouble focusing, are bored, or have impulse control problems are just selfish jerks when in fact they have a mental issue that affects the way they communicate. Even in the best case scenario, as with your husband, living with someone with ADD or ADHD can be difficult. So my hat is off to you.
There are medications he can take, as well as behavioral therapies. (As with any medication, you should talk to your doctor first.) If he's undiagnosed, let him know that you're worried about him and think he should get checked out. Talk to a doctor or behavioral therapist together about how best to deal with your husband's condition.
As for how to deal with him in your day-to-day life, here are some tips:
1. Set small goals - My girlfriend works with children with ADD and ADHD. One way she gets them to focus is to set small goals. One day, the student focuses on finishing a specific assignment or not speaking out during class. Small, achievable goals that eventually build towards bigger goals. The same skill could be applied to talking to your husband. For instance, focus on one important discussion at a time. Tell him that you would like to talk about, say, the household budget. And then stick to that discussion. Or let him make a grocery list for week. Instead of hitting a ton of important topics, sit down and discuss one thing at a time.
2. Help him with structure - Whether it's making lists or giving him small tasks or household chores, do whatever you can to give him structure in his day. Anything you can do to help him focus overall will also help when it comes time to discuss serious topics.
3. Let him know everything comes from a place of love - When he goes off on a tangent, say to him, "Honey, I love you. Please slow down. We need to talk about the kids right now," or whatever the topic is. Let him know that you care about him, and value his opinion. And when you ask him to focus on one thing, it is out of love and concern. He wants to tackle his condition. Chances are, it affects his daily life, and some people may not be as patient as you are. So approach everything from of a place of, "You are an amazing partner and I love you. Now I really need you to focus on where we're going for dinner tonight."
There are medications he can take, as well as behavioral therapies. (As with any medication, you should talk to your doctor first.) If he's undiagnosed, let him know that you're worried about him and think he should get checked out. Talk to a doctor or behavioral therapist together about how best to deal with your husband's condition.
As for how to deal with him in your day-to-day life, here are some tips:
1. Set small goals - My girlfriend works with children with ADD and ADHD. One way she gets them to focus is to set small goals. One day, the student focuses on finishing a specific assignment or not speaking out during class. Small, achievable goals that eventually build towards bigger goals. The same skill could be applied to talking to your husband. For instance, focus on one important discussion at a time. Tell him that you would like to talk about, say, the household budget. And then stick to that discussion. Or let him make a grocery list for week. Instead of hitting a ton of important topics, sit down and discuss one thing at a time.
2. Help him with structure - Whether it's making lists or giving him small tasks or household chores, do whatever you can to give him structure in his day. Anything you can do to help him focus overall will also help when it comes time to discuss serious topics.
3. Let him know everything comes from a place of love - When he goes off on a tangent, say to him, "Honey, I love you. Please slow down. We need to talk about the kids right now," or whatever the topic is. Let him know that you care about him, and value his opinion. And when you ask him to focus on one thing, it is out of love and concern. He wants to tackle his condition. Chances are, it affects his daily life, and some people may not be as patient as you are. So approach everything from of a place of, "You are an amazing partner and I love you. Now I really need you to focus on where we're going for dinner tonight."
i'm a mom to a special needs child, so i only know how to relate to it at the child's level, but this is one of the things he struggles with. small goals is a good idea. as well, do as much as you can in bite sized pieces. don't have any long drawn out conversations, or if you need to talk about something big, keep it to 15 minutes or so if you can, and deal with one issue at a time. if you need him to do something, don't have it be anything that requires more than short spans of attention. i find with my little guy if i tell him to do this, this and this, he gets mixed up, but if i say can you do this. he does it, and then can you do this, he does it, etc, it helps. mind you, he's 8 lol but it's all along the lines of that short term structured stuff nick was talking about. when things are broken down it's easier for him to deal with. as well constant praise and reinforcement when he does something really awesome or challenging will help him repeat that behavior. sometimes just a "i loved the way you just listened to me!" makes all the difference between a great moment and a really confused one. remember i'm speaking like a parent, guys have problems sometimes listening to women on the best days lol but just letting him know you appreciate it when he takes the time to do so will mean the world, because even though you can't "see it" that's a huge challenge for him. good luck!
I have ADD. I read a book called "you mean I'm not stupid, lazy or crazy" and it has a lot of good tips for adults with ADD. It's specifically written fit adults unlike most books. It has good info for someone like you too who's living with someone with ADD. Just thought you'd be interested.
I have ADD. I read a book called "you mean I'm not stupid, lazy or crazy" and it has a lot of good tips for adults with ADD. It's specifically written fit adults unlike most books. It has good info for someone like you too who's living with someone with ADD. Just thought you'd be interested.
There's a good book for adults and family of adults with ADD called I'm not stupid, lazy, or crazy. I have ADD and this book helped. It has lots of good info and tips for working around issues like you're talking about.
I have ADD and struggle with all the same things. I have trouble organizing (which is a symptom) and focusing. When I learn something new or have to do something that is not a strength of mine I give myself 30 min to focus on it and then take a break otherwise I get frusterated and give up all together. So if you want to discuss or have him do a project that he doesn't enjoy tell him ahead of time so he can prepare and know what he wants to add to the topic and then talk about it for 15 to 20 min take a break to let it soak in so he can think about what was just said. Most of the time our brains are over loaded and we just need to take time to process it which also explains if he gets irritated while you are talking to him.
There are online forums and support groups for people who have ADD/ADHD spouses/partners. I learned most of what I know from one of them because there are members who share first-hand experience.
Never ever think he "blanks out" or gets distracted on purpose. It's hard, and you may feel sometimes you are being taken for granted. But like CG said, small goals, structure and coming from a place of love always helps. That and if needed, break time for you as well. And by this, I mean, stepping back for your own sanity because the more you try to push him to do things, the more things will fall apart. Remember, people with ADD/ADHD usually have difficulties with transitioning (i.e. when they are working, they ARE working. Don't try to mess their brains up by popping in to ask him to take out the garbage or turn the TV off because there's already a lot going inside their brains.)
Seek out some help if you need it. That's what I did when I learned my significant other has ADD. Sometimes though what you read and what you know about this diagnosis is not enough. That is when you go back, retracing your steps to the day you fell in love with the person you're with. That always works for me.
...say to him, "Honey, I love you..."
Ah, alas, Chinese women do not like to say 'I love you', they feel actions are all that's needed as demonstrations of their love, and if they have to actally tell you, they then personally feel they totally failed as a wife.
ADHD with cultural clashes. Not as fun as it sounds.
I have ADD, I've learned to deal with it without medication. But, I do frustrate most people in my life. But, my new boyfriend is so understanding and loving about it. He is so patient with me and we laugh about it a lot. When he looks into my eyes and touches my arm to get my attention it actually helps. If my mind wonders he sweetly says "come back to me my little Adder", it really helps me focus. When I need to remember to do something or be somewhere he gently reminds me and often when needed. But he never makes me feel bad about my disorder. So in return, I try doubly hard to listen and stay focused when he is talking to me. Humor goes a long way. It does take practice, but its well worth it.
Awww, sweet Lisa! I love hearing stories like this. :)
yah me too that brought tears to my eyes. so sweet, sounds like a real keeper you have there.
I have ADD, I've learned to deal with it without medication. But, I do frustrate most people in my life. But, my new boyfriend is so understanding and loving about it. He is so patient with me and we laugh about it a lot. When he looks into my eyes and touches my arm to get my attention it actually helps. If my mind wonders he sweetly says "come back to me my little Adder", it really helps me focus. When I need to remember to do something or be somewhere he gently reminds me and often when needed. But he never makes me feel bad about my disorder. So in return, I try doubly hard to listen and stay focused when he is talking to me. Humor goes a long way. It does take practice, but its well worth it.
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hahha I agree