Yeah, give the man a Xanax and tell him to lighten the F up.
Funny you should ask this, because I was just discussing this very subject with a friend the other day. John's* parents divorced when he was very young, and his mother remarried a man who treated John and his brother like crap from the moment he moved in -- and still does to this day. John very candidly told me that he never understood how his mother could, in his words, "choose him over us," and not do something to stop her husband from mistreating him and his brother. John's in his 40s now and still has a lot of resentment toward him mom. Fairly or not, he blames her in large part for his unhappy childhood.
I tell you this not to bum you out, but to prove that your instincts are right: you have to get this man off their backs. Having a stepparent is hard enough for kids even when the person is nice, so bringing an asswipe into the family must feel like a terrible betrayal. Your husband might be a good guy who doesn't mean to be so tough on the kids, but if he can't stop himself, he clearly has a problem. Perhaps his father was similarly hard on him and he can't help but repeat the behavior, even if he hated it as a child. It happens.
I think your husband needs counseling. The problem is his, not yours or the kids'. I admire you for caring enough to break up with the man, but, like you said, you love him, and you deserve to be happy just as much as your children do, so I'm not going to tell you just to dump him. Still, your kids' happiness must come first, and I can assure you they are miserable right now.
The man needs therapy to figure out why he's such a ballbuster. Your husband's compulsive nagging is just a symptom of a deeper problem in his psyche. He's got to find out what that problem is and deal with it. Otherwise, your children will be the ones seeking therapy in a few years.
He might reject the idea of counseling and instead just promise again to do better. That's not good enough. You already tried that route and it led nowhere. He needs help. If he refuses outright, then the problem becomes even bigger, and you'll need to talk to a professional about what to do next.
Whatever you do, I think you owe it to your kids to do everything in your power to make their childhood happy. They've already suffered through losing their father and getting a stepdad. The last thing they need now is further turmoil.
Good luck.
* Not his real name. His real name is Larry.
This is the very thing (among other things) that holds me back in relationships. My son's father is non existant. My dad has been my son's only real and constant father figure. I would hate to drag men in and out of my sons life. I was with a guy for almost two years and then we broke up. My son still asks about him.
It's so hard when kids are involved. I've learned to become more picky. I haven't introduced my son to any of the men I've been with since my ex. I would hate to have it end up like this. Marry a dick who's an ass to my kid or marry a douche who lets my kid walk all over him (he's a strong willed boy).
A most excellent answer! Growing up it seemed like I knew so many guys that had stepfathers that had at one point or another been physically abusive to them. Generally after years of bullying them, then the guys got big enough to fight back, and that's exactly what they did. I never understood why mom put up with it. Much the same way I don't understand loving someone that treated your flesh and blood poorly.
When I went through my divorce I told myself that if any man involved in our lives ever mistreated my son I'd show him the door. My now husband knows that, but we're fortunate that he treats us both like gold. But if that ever changed...see ya! I really hope this lady does the right thing for her children. If she won't stand up for them, who will?
Poor Larry. :(
Cary,
I love your answer. There is so much to be said about this problem but you touched on a lot of them. I thank you. I am 40. I spent about half of my life in therapy do to an unhappy childhood. I had a bad stepfather too but not in the same sense as these boys. I wish my mother had considered our happiness.
I decided very early on because of my parents and stepfathers that I did not want to have a child. It is one of the things I am proudest of having accomplished.
I completely agree. Personally I also had a bad childhood and fully cannot get over some of it. I feel that since Ive grown and chosen not to be in a relationship with my parents anymore, I have felt a burden certainly lifted. In this, the result is that I dont know and dont feel like I will ever want a child. Children are not a burden, but having a damaging childhood has left me to want to focus on me and that cannot happen if I chose to have children. It would be like taking them on a trainwreck that hasn't been fixed or dealt with. Completely agree!
I think you really need to put your kids first. They should be your top priority. Yes, your happiness is important too, but honestly, how happy can you be knowing that this man is making your kids miserable? Listen to the Wise Ass. He gives good advice.
"His real name is Larry." ha ha ha ha ha! :-D
I read something the other day, from a mom, that said something like "when people love my kids, they are loving me" and the truth of that hit me hard (my own issue with my friend's child, not relevant here). If he cannot respect and love your children and treat them like they are a part of you and your life together... well, just take Cary's advice. It's counseling or nothing. There should be no in between here.
I am sorry though. That's not an easy situation. Best of luck to you, your kiddos, and him.
Simple.. your kids come first! Find a man who loves them like his own.
I completely agree. Personally I also had a bad childhood and fully cannot get over some of it. I feel that since Ive grown and chosen not to be in a relationship with my parents anymore, I have felt a burden certainly lifted. In this, the result is that I dont know and dont feel like I will ever want a child. Children are not a burden, but having a damaging childhood has left me to want to focus on me and that cannot happen if I chose to have children. It would be like taking them on a trainwreck that hasn't been fixed or dealt with. Completely agree!
i absolutely agree with the counseling advice, and i would further recommend that he go to parenting classes or at least get some reading materials on the subject. most people don't learn about how to interact or discipline children properly until they get pregnant and then they have time to educate themselves and prepare; to suddenly be dropped into a parenting role without experience or any kind of guidelines might have resulted in step-dad reverting to how he was raised or being terrified and sticking to one concept: a father figure must be shown respect and have wellbehaved children. my husband is the biological father of my daughter, but he was in the army and deployed for the first three years of her life so i sent him books and made him take a community college course on child development, and it really helped him feel more comfortable during the adjustment period of coming home.
I am on line with everyone else. Your kids are helpless in this situation the only ones who can change it are you or your husband. It isn't fair to them to be in a situation where someone is treating them like shit. If even you see it and acknowledge it then you need to do something about it.
Separating soon because of a son and husband (not his dad) who despise each other. Problem is....only ONE of them should be acting 13. Enough is enough.
My son will win. Every. Single. Time.
Good for you, Amy! I couldn't agree more. Good luck to you! Your son is lucky to have you.
This would be EXACTLY why my second marriage broke up. Kids come first, period. You will never regret that decision.
Great advice Cary.
Larry. hahahahaha
Cary, this is maybe the best advice you've ever given, because it impacts kids and not just their (sometimes misguided) parent.
This is one reason why I'm okay with being a single parent. But I have the perspective of also being once a child who watched my mother choose her abusive husband over me and my siblings. It never stopped being a confusing and painful situation. It affected more than just how we "got along" - it changed how we all saw the world and our place in it. None of us came out unscathed.
And he is my biological parent. I can only imagine the feeling of worthlessness if he was my step, like he was to my older brother.
Every kid deserves to feel like someone's got their back. If you don't get it in your family of origin, it is a long, tough road.
"Every kid deserves to feel like someone's got their back. If you don't get it in your family of origin, it is a long, tough road."
True. It's a lifetime of looking for someone to have your back. It is a tough felling to overcome.
feeling
Thanks, everyone.
I absolutly LOVE this...My own mother kicked me out when I was 15 because her husband and I didn't get along. This has caused me to hate him ever since and she just dosn't understand that. When I was younger my brother, sister, and I all couldn't stand him. We tried talking to my mother about it but she just wouldn't leave him. Now it's caused her to lose respect from all of us and alot of times we want nothing to do with her. It's really sad because she's my mother and I love her but we see it that she chose him over us and none of us can seem to get over that. So to all mothers who are reading this, put your kids first. If not, later in life you could totally lose them.
Fantastic response and comments. Blood is thicker than water!
Wow, I am just now going through the exact same thing and had to choose my son over my soon to be ex husband. Since I left he has told me over and over how sorry he is and how different he will be, but I have him 12 years and since my son became a teenager, things just kept getting worse and I had to decided, enough is enough!!!!
I can't believe these people that call themselves moms. Why would you go out of your way to tell these Kids that the person their calling "DAD" isn't their biological Dads?? And we wonder what's so wrong w/our kids today. Your basically telling them they aren't important enough or worth their dads time so they just left them? If the dad is a totally loser, which he has to be if he hasn't been in their childs lives, and your husband, who has been in these childrens lives since birth, why would you purposely cause your child a lifetime of unnecessary pain & emotional havoc. What they don't know won't hurt them and if there Dad is a loser and not in their lives, what benefit would it be to tell your child this info?? People need to stop worrying about their own feelings, and put their children's best interest first for once. Don't use your child for your own drama..You don't owe it to your child to tell them - What you owe to your child is to care and protect their emotional walfare and providing them with irrevelant infomation in my opionion, is for mom's who feel sorry for themselves and are obviously lacking attention and want to use their child as leverage.
. I'm pregnant, and I have an 8 eigth year old son. I married my new husband two years ago... he says that he feels like shit when my son calls him dad... He is too rough on him, since 5 and 1/2. I have fougth with him many times and lost control because I do not know what to do. Where I live is so far from where I'm from , I do not have family here, that I can count on, I feel trap. Too many tings on top of me... He have told me cruel things and been blaming my son for everything. My son looks for him, respects him, needs and looks for his attention, my son tells him all the time " I love you" and I think he is looking for is approval, attention. My ex husband is not on the picture so I think my son needs a male role in his life. Everytime my son calls him dad it brakes my heart, because my husband can not say it back or ignores him... I do not know what to do... pregnant and If I leave my new baby will also suffer, not being with is dad. I mean if this do not change , I know I'm in big trouble. Any advice, please..
I'm in the same situation although my son will be moving out in a few months to go to college, but I think that might even be too long. I go out in secret and make new wills, take his name off my life insurance policy, make sure I have my own checking account and am constantly on the lookout for an apartment to rent that my small salary will afford. This is no way to live and even though my son will be out of it soon, I'm finally starting to come to the realization that I need to be as well. Funny thing, for the first 7 or 8 years he was ok to my son, but one screw up by my son showed this jerks true colors, because it's almost 2 years now and he hasn't let it go. I wonder if he knows how deep my hurt runs. I so love the person above who said, "love my kids, you are loving me" (close but not exact words, but really hit home). Here's to no more days crying my eyes out at my desk!
What a lovely day for a 3762140! SCK was here