It's normal. Guys like porn. Let me repeat that for the hearing impaired: Guys. Like. Porn. In fact, I'm looking at porn right now as I answer this question. For research and whatnot.
I get this question a lot from concerned wives and girlfriends, and it always makes me smile. Women seem to assume that something is wrong with their relationship because their partner likes porn. They conclude that he's a sex addict or looking to cheat or dissatisfied with his sex life. "How can he look at porn if he loves me?" they ask.
Because he's a guy, that's how, and, in case you hadn't heard, guys like porn. It doesn't mean they are cheaters. It doesn't mean they are freaks. It doesn't mean they don't love you or want you anymore. It's not an either-or kind of thing. Even guys in healthy, happy relationships do it. In fact, I think guys in long-term relationships are more likely to look at porn than single guys. Or so I hear.
What it does mean is that they are floggin' the porpoise from time to time (i.e. daily), but you already knew that. The porn gives them a visual stimulus. No, they're not always thinking about you when they masturbate, sorry. Everyone has fantasies; that's just life. We all gotta get jiggy with Meredith Vieira once or twice in our dreams. Or am I the only one?
Sure, obsessive or deviant/illegal porn habits can become problematic for a relationship, but, in most cases, I think it's harmless and normal, and doesn't mean anything other than your guy likes to be turned on.
Of course, if it bothers you that much, you can always ask him to stop doing it. He may or may not be willing to do so.
Every try watching the Playboy channel with him? It can be kinda hot. And even if you have a satisfying sex life already, it might give you ideas about new things to try. You never know... Try it. You might like it.
I think the bigger issue is why he's paying for the Playboy channel in this day and age of unlimited free porn. The real discussion you should be having is one of money management.
Precisely, Nick. The Playboy Channel sucks. I hear.
Do you read romance novels? Not necessarily Harlequins, but books that wrap up with a sappy declaration of love or a hot bedroom scene? If you read, you pretty much do. So, are you dissatisfied with your relationship and looking to cheat??
Porn is to most men what romance novels are to most women: entertaining, forgettable fantasy. They like pictures, we like words. That's all.
My dad likes to call it "porno with a plot" I love those books.
that makes a lot of sense. thanks for putting it that way. (:
Meredith Vieira says, "Is that your final answer?" and Cary says, "Yes, Yes, YES!" heeeeeeeee! :-D
This is totally normal for guys. The only reason it should make you worry is if he starts choosing the porn over you. I had a boyfriend of four years once that would reject me constantly, but then I found out he was looking at porn websites every single day. I knew about his collection beforehand and it didn't bother me at all when our sex life was normal and healthy. But once he stopped wanting ME, but still wanted the porn, well...you can guess how that ended.
I definitely partake in some porn viewing from time to time and do enjoy it. Maybe the more explicit stuff isn't for you, but he would probably just be thrilled that you would want to watch anything like that with him! Men are much more visual than women. As mentioned above, while reading something may get us aroused, they need to SEE it. Hence, things like porn and strip clubs.
Be confident and secure knowing that when it comes down to it, he only wants to have sex with YOU. Porn is just the substitute for when he can't have you!
Girls. Like. Porn. Too.
Or, at least, you would if you tried watching it. :) I'm not talking about some sleazy video where the girl is clearly drugged up to the eyeballs and hating every minute of it, but there is (if you look) pretty decent stuff out there, with it actually looking like they're making love instead of just fucking. It is natural and normal and healthy to want to masturbate, and it is easier and more pleasurable to masturbate to something your body finds physically arousing. That's just science. Obviously there are acceptions to the rule but not many. Even if you hate the idea of porn, your body will still respond to it.
Not that I, as a sexually active woman, am into the loved up stuff. I know a couple of women that prefer it, but not a one of my under 25 female friends doesn't admit to watching nastier porn too. And not a one of them doesn't watch it at all.
If it's the sleaze you hate, then there is non-sleaze stuff out there. We are hard-wired to like sex, watching it, doing it, rubbing ourselves on it, etc. It's in our nature.
I know I'm going to get dinged for this comment but it really needs to be said.
Porn is destructive in a ton of different ways. Some of which some people don't even realize. Ergo, my post.
To start with the poster's question: Yes, watching porn in today's society is pretty normal. A lot of people do it. Is he thinking about straying? This one factor is not enough information to answer that question. If everything else is great and wonderful and this is his only "thing", probably not.
I'm going to avoid the "is porn cheating" discussion, that's between you, him and your definition of cheating.
However, this is not the only question that needs to be asked. One that is so very frequently ignored, and blows me away in a society that demands equality and is against misogyny, is what about the "stars"?
A quick google search on abuse in the porn industry turns up 242,000 hits.
With excellent resources such as:
http://www.shelleylubben.com/
as just one example among thousands. Even the famous Jenna Jameson is speaking out against the industry.
The humiliations and realities of a pornstar versus the presented image of glamour are far distant from each other.
Now add onto this the fact that porn gives men a false image of what to expect of women. Yes, it isn't going to turn joe super nice guy into a super freak abusive jerk, but it is putting an image of women being completely submissive to whatever the man wants into the head of millions of teenagers blooming into their sexuality. Instead of being introduced into sex with an equal who the have at least some feelings for and who has a mind of her own, they are being shown that when it comes to the bedroom, it's all about the man and the woman should just love whatever he does.
Is this really the message we want to teach our sons?
Some of you fathers out there are balking right now "Well I don't let my son see my porn". He still knows you watch it! He's not stupid. Our kids know what goes on. In fact, there is a really good chance he knows your computer better than you do and has seen ALL of your "hidden" stash. You teach by example.
And in a marriage? I will grant that viewing porn DOES NOT mean he doesn't like his wife or how she looks or how she is in bed. However, keep in mind, she likes sex, too and needs your intimacy. When you were looking at porn was she available to you? Did you just deny her an intimate moment because you were busy self satisfying? It's easy to get wrapped up in porn and lose the very real woman right beside you! Ask yourself, should I be wasting this time by myself or would it be better served making my wife feel loved and showing that I think she is the beauty of my life? Ask yourself, am I just blowing off steam or am I replacing the woman I told was the only one for me? Am I just satisfying a biological need or am I making the one I told I would cherish ABOVE all others, the second woman in my life?
If porn is at all replacing intimacy with the one you are with, something is wrong.
Amen
Very good points. I keep trying to tell my boyfriend that. we watch porn together, yet it seems more often than not, he'll stay up until the wee hours of the morning, gaming and surfing the web, until he's reached a point of tiredness, and so what use to be a shared folder has now moved to his computer, private access only, and he watches porn. yet rejects me,left and right. when i try to spice things up, he calls it weird. I've never turned him down, and I do everything, from oral, to anal,to following along with the porn... he doesn't even preform oral anymore, and when we do have sex, he's like a drone, he does the bare minimum, hugs me tight, and just pounces away, no other movement. Like he's forced to have sex, so he's trying to be somewhere or with someone else. so unless i'm on top constantly, it's kinda like why bother? Yet i have a huge sex drive, for which he did too... thanks for the points. It's a frustrating situation all the way around.
Honey the time to start worrying is when he no longer wants to look at naked women. Whether they are having sex or just standing/sitting there looking all sexy and naked, the point is that he is still turned on by naked women... which is a GOOD thing.
As stated previously, as long as he's not choosing porn over you, you're fine. But, as Cary said, if it's bothering you, talk it over with him. You might be surprised at his reasons. Don't accuse, don't make it a fight, try an open honest, interested discussion....
I don't get it why women make such a big deal out of their boyfriends/husbands watching porn?
I'm a girl and I watch porn almost everyday. Big deal.
Uh I'm a girl and I like my porn too thanks. And oh no my boyfriend does too. Sometimes together. Wooo. We're whores. yep, whores.
I appreciate anymouse's comment. There are deep psychological ramifications for a society that accepts and encourages an industry that, in general, does next to nothing to empower either gender and instead reinforces stereotypes that estranges us from one another. People will not stop viewing porn because we are sexual beings. Changing the industry and porn's message of sexuality would be a more positive way to prevent these types of problems.
Additionally, using the explanation "because he's a guy" is poor logic. The answer to the question of "why" can never be just "because." There are many reasons why people choose to view porn or keep away from it, and it's not completely tied up in gender. Other commenters have listed several more satisfactory reasons. I resent The Wise-Ass' reasoning for why porn is "OK" (but not necessarily that he says it's OK). However, I understand that this site isn't exactly medical-grade advice.
In my opinion, people in relationships should be open about their activities related to pornography. Hiding it is an indication of fear or guilt. Pretending you don't mind that your partner views it is just as counter-productive in maintaining a healthy connection with him/her.
Resentment is much worse for you than porn.
Oh please...
This entire comment was a little intense for me, but I wanted to TOTALLY agree with this part:
"Additionally, using the explanation "because he's a guy" is poor logic. The answer to the question of "why" can never be just "because."
This has ALWAYS bugged me about the porn question, as well as the stripper one. "Because it's what guys do" is not an answer.
yah well my husband is obsseive he has to watch porn 2 -3 times a day and would rather beat it to the computer than touch his wife soo whats wrong here i go to work and he sits around and spanks it to the pc..im not ugly and i in fact love sex but its running me i cant bare the porn it s beyond porn i get emails in my in box for him for matches with his name he lies and says he didnt sign up im not stupid my email doesnt have his name in it yet they come to my inbox for him..the lieing is sickening let alone he cut off hbo ect cause it cost a 13.99 a month but yet he pays 13.99 a pop xs 23 movies to even watch porn on tv makes me sick and at this point i dont even want to have sex with him im tired of trying to figure out what i did wrong he needs help..when we do have sex its like a chore to him.. help my marrage is falling apart over this
leave! why would you want to stick around for that slop. plenty of other men who arent that nasty and hung up. I think all men view it OCAISIONALLY, and I mean every so often but it's the zombied out sneaky ones I would stay away from. Go! Get out of that mess and enjoy life. He clearly doesn't want you any more. :)
I hate this too. My husband is Jewish and he used to say he was praying. He used his "prayer" room all to watch porn. He is 16 years older then me and would rather watch porn then be with me. He looks at everything from "just legal" to "grannies fanny" It makes me so sick. He always tells me "we cant watch tv on saturady" "we cant go anywhere because its shabbos"so I have to walk everywhere I go, I went out a few times on saturday then I found out he was online looking at porn. How is that ok on shaoobs when he says I cant watch tv? THen he doesnt want to have sex because he is "too tired' Im 26...he is 42 I need more out of a relationship! He is also a marine so we dont have a lot of time together as it is. he is getting deployed soon too and still spends most of his off time looking at porn and I do have a job....and on my days off He will be busy online. I know this because he always leaves his computer on and at times I catch whats on the screen. I have a lot of emotional isses because I have sexual abuse in my past. He always says "get over it" "everyone has problems" but Im sick and tired of his hypcritical thinking. he talks about how women today are not respected, how he wants children and how he is a family man. Yeah the fuck right! I have threatened to leave him and he always says "I wouoldnt leave YOU* for a problem you have" like that makes it right. He at times, stays up until 2 or 3 am with his "prayer" room locked and all I see is the flashing lights of a laptop under the door because he watches it with his light off like I would not find out. I knock on his door begging him to come to bed and he says "5 mon" just "5 more min" He has dozens, nearly hundreds of sites saved. Everything! Women peeing, shitting, incest, grandmas, bondage, torture, animal, ect. You name it! I know this because I needed to use his computer since mine was down (he also feel its ok for everything to be seperate like computers and beds and says I dont need to know what he uses a computer for)
please help me he is now telling me what I can and cant eat (he tells me he only wants kosher food in the house because he is strongly jewish) Sometimes he tells me he wants to sleep alone so he uses a seperate bed in a seperate room and most of the time he will wake me up in the middle of the night touching me and saying things like its ok, just lay there I will do all the work. I feel like Im being abused all over again
This is heartbreaking. I'm sorry to hear this!
From a religious perspective.
Jewish men are Biblically REQUIRED to sexually satisfy their wife. In fact, the traditional (read: really old) marriage contract stipulated the minimum number of times per week! Now, that said, I wouldn't shove it in his face, but I would definitely have a sit down with his Rabbi. He is clearly breaking Sabbath by his actions and violating the marriage covenant. He is also violating your boundaries.
You need to take action. He should not be allowed to hide behind his "Jewishness" to justify bad behaviour. In fact, it sounds almost like you are in a situation where you need to get space. Even if what he is doing isn't "technically" illegal, it sure damn is violating you mentally. Don't take it.
You are most definitely correct that he is holding a double standard. Don't accept it. I can't say for sure you need to leave, that is up to you to do decide, but you definitely need to seek outside help. Go to both his Rabbi and your own counselor. A trained counselor will help you to put things in perspective and give you solid advice on dealing with him and help you to decide what you want out of your marriage or if you need to get out of it. DO IT NOW. Don't wait. Please.
I mean I'd hate it if my boyfriend were to be looking at it and jerkin' it all the time but most guys keep that on the downlow. I don't care if they do it, obviously they can't run off with these girls. Much better then them doing it with women they know. Plus I had a boyfriend who would never masturbate and he wouldn't last long because he got too excited.
I'm a woman. I DO.NOT.LIKE.PORNOGRAPHY.
I will not tolerate it in my house-period.
I'm not a prude. I enjoy sex. I'm not ugly, or old, or obese or anything but NORMAL looking and acting. I'm not jealous, I'm not hurt.
I REFUSE to be "supplemented on". If I'm not good enough (if ME, the live, flesh and blood woman, who wants to have sex with the man she loves--is not good enough) then HIT THE ROAD!!!
Thank you for posting this!!!! My thoughts EXACTLY.
Yes!
However, one caveat: porn can be an addiction. It's possible that he was steeped in it before he met you. If you find it, at least give him a chance to give it up and treat it like any other addiction. Yes, make him give it up, but don't pretend it will be easy or make it about him not being able to appreciate you.
:)
And good for you on being firm on your stance! Too many women simply accept that it's a "guy thing".
when you find your husband looking at porn, why not suggest that you do your own porn video and see how he feels?? I suggested this to my husband when i found him looking at porn, and he was disgusted!! The cheek of him, obviously i didnt mean it , but to turn the tables on him was a whole new ball game!! They cant handle the shoes on the other foot. Two can play at that game. So let the games commence!!
WHAT???
He disgusted??? Something seriously wrong with that statement. Most guys are totally into that kind of thing and afraid what their woman might think if they bring it up.
Oh, maybe he's very self conscious about what he looks like?
And wait, you didn't mean it? :(
Porn RUINS marriages. It ruined mine.
my husband watches women on his computer and even told me one was a porn star, but it was a woman that he could meet if he hasn't already. We argue about it all the time and he tells me that i have serious problems. when i tell him i want a divorce, he says, "if that's what you want" but don't come back asking for money whenever my money runs out. What's going on. He talks to a guy that I have heard of once about 6 years ago. When the guy called, he lied about who he was talking to, and went outside. He's being secretive. I really love this man, and he gives me everything, but something don't add up and hasn't for about 3 years. We've been married for 4 years and were together 4 years before that. I know things change for men when you get married, but his attitude is not him at all and I'm really worried that our marriage is in trouble. Please help.
Counseling and a lawyer. NOW, please. There is something definitely going wrong there. He sounds a bit like he might have already checked out of the relationship, but this doesn't mean it can't be salvaged.
I wish I could give more, but from what you've given here it's hard to make a judgement call one way or the other, so please, please seek help.
And, men don't really majorly change when they get married. At most, he realizes that he's committed to the relationship and maybe struggles with what that means, but a major change indicates he is or was hiding something. It could be as simple as he was hiding something about his past and it finally got to him that he hasn't shared it with you and doesn't know how to handle it. Things such as being abused, having experimented in ways that bring him shame, realizing he may become a father at some point when his father was a bad one, realizing that you are a better person than him and that he doesn't deserve you, etc, etc. It could be minor it could be major, but somehow you guys need open honest dialog. Hopefully a counselor can get that for you. :)
Best of luck!
Wow slow it down there Laje Kahr i will be the first one to admit that some mainstream porn that sets a unrealistic example of what sex should be like (ie very well hung guys and women fake moaning) but theres a difference between fantasy and reality and if a person cant make out these differences then they shouldnt be looking at porn at the first place
And for the record I dont find anything wrong with true amature porn ie (real couples) having sex as it is realistic as it gets and being 28 thats the most type of porn i watch :)
Yes, there is some porn out there that is realistic. I will grant you that, but that is NOT the majority of porn out there. The vast majority is totally unrealistic. The porn stars themselves even admit this. Shoot, there are whole news articles dedicated to how the porn producers photoshop every image to "perfection". The videos have whole teams just to polish the production.
When was the last time you met a girl that engaged in lesbian sex for the pleasure of a man?
When was the last time someone you know had a threesome?
Or any of these other very normal porn situations: glory hole, gang bang, rape, sex with a high schooler, bondage, sex for more than an hour, multiple male orgasms, female orgasm with a complete stranger, etc, etc, etc?
All of these _do_ happen, but are outside the norm, they are the rarities (some of them THANKFULLY so!), but in porn (even a good chunk of the 'amateur' stuff) they are the NORM. Don't believe me? Google it. Well, I don't recommend that, but it will show the truth of the matter. Shoot, the porn movie industry has a person on site whose primary job is to get the male stars back "ready for action" between takes...talk about your "dirty" jobs, yikes!
So, yes, the majority, not "some" of mainstream porn is unrealistic. And I didn't even get into the massive Fetish porn industry that is really out there...don't even look up that stuff unless you are ready to have it burned into your retinas...
As to this comment:
"but theres a difference between fantasy and reality and if a person cant make out these differences then they shouldnt be looking at porn at the first place"
Yes, there is. And if most people were really "casual" observers of porn. Say, the viewed porn as often as they went out to the movies. (1-2 times per month.) Then maybe it wouldn't matter. But research shows us that the average porn user consumes porn as much as they can get away with. Hours upon hours every week.
This is called conditioning and desensitization. In the same way a person is not born a racist, but when exposed to constant racism slowly degrades their sense of right and wrong, so it is with anything that a person regularly and often exposes themselves, too.
This is especially true of teenagers. Whenever a nation has conquered another nation and not wiped out their enemy or a new group revolts into power, who do the propaganda machine go after? If you want to control or change a people, you go after their youth. Doesn't take long to find examples of this either.
Think: France, Church youth groups, Russia, Tiananmen Square, Tunisia, all the images and videos on the net showing islamic terrorist children, and I hate to mention them because it usually causes problems and lowers the standard of debate, but in this case it's impossible to ignore: the Hitler Youth.
These all embrace the ideology that youth are very malleable to training or desensitization. Some for good, some for bad.
Even in modern day there are many groups vying for the attention of the youth to promote their agenda!
Think about how a person becomes an expert in anything. Repeated exposure to the facts they want to learn. The average porn user is getting the equivalent of a PhD in exposure time to these unrealistic standards of sex. How can that _not_ be changing how they think of these things?
Pretty much all porn promotes the idea of the woman as some subservient slave to the man. She is at his beck and call to do whatever pleases him instead of being his partner and equal. Instead of a loving strong relationship of mutual pleasure, it's a degraded one way relationship.
Sorry, if I'm coming across as aggressive, but this really is a major problem that is destroying relationships and eroding the progress of women gaining equality in this country and that disturbs me.
ok i think porn is one of the best things going coz if there was no porn think of how many ppl would be cheating porn is like a get away coz if ur wife or g/f is not into everything you are into like how are you meant to just turn off wot you like....like i love anal sex but my wife does not like it one bit so porn lets me put her face on a girl is getting done by anal and so i still getting wot i want in a way but if i didnt have porn i would no longer be with my wife coz i cant see my wife wanting anal sex with out porn so thank god there porn
at all it is he wants something that you or wont give me so his getting his needs out of porn so really get a good man coz he not going out and getting the real thing with other woman his using porn so to ur answer ur question yes it is normal
So manty of these comments/explainations are cop outs.......men like porn because they're men and that's just what men like?! are you kidding me? That is completely absurd. At least he's looking at porn and not cheating on you?!!!!!!! Since when does someone get brownie point for NOT cheating on someone, isn't that suppose to be a given in a committed relationship?! You shouldn't need a supplimental thing in order to prevent you from cheating, that's completely ridiculous. The biggest issue here is that no one is taking responsibility for their actions. Actually the even bigger issue here is really that if you are with someone and you truly truly love them then if ANYTHING bothers them incredibly you should be okay with not doing it, out of respect for their feelings which you are suppose to care about! The other huge issue here is honesty. If your man watching porn is a deal breaker for you, you need to tell him immediately and upfront, like I do. (I'd like to take this moment to inform all of you that believe you me, I WISH more than anything that I was okay with my boyfriends watching porn and it didn't bother me because it would save a ton of trouble for everyone, but I have no control over my feelings and if something drives me crazy then it just drives me crazy and try as I may I might not be able to change it).
If you tell him your deal breaker up front, he can make a decision with all of the facts, is his freedom of porn that important to him or can he do without it because it's more important to have you. Once he makes the decision to be with you then straying from that agreement is lying which brings in trust issues and trust issues of any kind are far worse than porn. Porn can end relationships and does, a lot but I think it's mostly because of the trust factor....or lack there of.