I wish you had thought to ask someone this question twenty years ago before the damage was done. There's not a lot that can be done for your son now.
I don't want to berate you--what's done is done--but I have to be completely honest here, because it is important that you understand your part in this. You should have acted long ago. You had twenty years to do something about your husband's abuse of your son, but you didn't. You had 7,300 days to intercede; why didn't you? Why didn't you stop it when he was four, or seven, or twelve, or fifteen? Now at 24 he's having problems--no surprise there--and suddenly you want to help? Did you not see this coming? What did you think the constant mistreatment would do to your son's psyche?
Kudos to you for wanting to help him now, but it's too little, too late. The time to act was before his self-worth was dismantled day after day by your husband, and before the self-image of a loser was seared into his brain. You seem to blame your husband for doing this, but to me you are just as culpable, if not more, for letting it happen. He is your child, and you should have protected him. Children are supposed to come first. You failed him. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you did.
There are a couple of things you can do now that might help, though. One is to tell your son that you're sorry you failed him for twenty years. He needs to know that you realize your part in this and regret it. Then you need to get him some therapy. It won't fix him completely, but it will help. Find him a shrink, pay for his sessions, and offer to go with him, too, as I'm sure he has some issues with you not standing up for him against his stepfather. Whatever else he needs from you to heal, you need to provide. It's the least you can do.
I know you love your son, and I'm sorry to beat you down. The truth hurts sometimes. But your willingness to help him now is something. It's a start. Who knows, maybe he can heal more than I expect. For that to happen, though, you have to make him a priority. You have to make this journey with him, however long it takes. You weren't there for him before, so be there for him now.
Good luck. Thanks for the question.
Great answer!
Cary, you are a great guy who is being far too kind to this woman. I am speechless at what she has done to her child. I can't think of anything to say that would be productive, and it would involve a whooole lot of bad words aimed at her, so I will just say I hope her poor son gets the help he needs. I wish all children had mothers who loved them and put them first, unfortunately too many children have to deal with unfit parents and it breaks my heart. =(
Thanks. I agree, it's tragic and sad.
I couldn't agree more!! its so sad when a woman puts her own needs ahead of her child's needs. Why she would have married him in the first place when he didn't like her child from the start is just beyond me! it sounds like she was desperate for companionship and couldn't wait for the right one and so she just settled for whoever came along and this is the result. The fact that she didn't get get the whole family into counseling about it at some point over 24 years is SICK. I feel sad that she had another kid, that poor girl has probably been affected by seeing all that abuse being done to her brother. It is true some people shouldn't be parents...
Not just the mothers. If I had a kid, I wouldn't accept this kind of treatment from a woman regardless how lucky I am to get any woman at all! If a woman doesn't want to date a single dad, that's perfectly fine, doesn't make her bad person at all, just not a right match. But if she does go with a single father, he has every right to consider how she treats his kids just as a single mother should screen a man for the same thing.
Even if I did not get awarded custody, my concern would not end there. If the OP had been my ex, I would never have stood by and let this happen (and I am old enough to have a 24 year old)! Custody agreements and feminism be damned, I would have availed myself of every legal resource to get him out of this situation. Yes, I have no business who my ex sees after the divorce, but any parent, mother or father, not only has the right but the obligation to look out for their kids.
For all of my flaws and imperfections and that I'd probably be a lousy dad, even I would never stand by and do nothing while one of my kids was in an abusive (yes, I qualify her son's situation as mental and verbal abuse) situation!
Great answer and Kudos to you for your much needed bluntness. I am a single mother and have found it difficult to date while raising my daughter. She is my priority and that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. I wish my mother had done the same, but unfortunately some times a parents fear of being alone or lonely overcomes their need to think about and put the emotional well being of their child first. It is sad but all too often true.
Sometimes what people need to hear isn't going to make them feel good -- and that's okay. Cary's right, you can't undo what's been done, but you can own it and try to help your son as much as possible. In all sincerity I don't understand mothers who stand by and allow their children to be mistreated -- by anyone, much less a step-parent. Hell to the no. I would have burned the man in his sleep. But that's just me. ;)
Like Cary said, since you didn't do what you should have done, now you need to do absolutely everything you can to help your son heal. You owe it to him, big time. Good luck.
This question would've challenged my filter for sure.
I hope that if the mother stuck around out of fear, due to abuse, she gets help, too.
*sigh* I have to get a license to drive a car or carry a gun...even go fishing! But there's no prerequisites for parenting.
This exact question was asked in the comment section of one of Mystery Man's answers a week or so ago. He pretty much agreed with what you said, Cary. For the record, you both are dead on.
now I want to read that discussion... do you remember which question it was?
It was someone asking MM about depression. I actually responded to this (the current question asker's) question, after she rudely said "thanks for nothing" to MM. I said pretty much the same things Cary said here.
I'll repeat what I said on the other post: I feel very disturbed by her question, and very, very sad for her son.
Found it for yah:
http://www.guyspeak.com/answers/what-resources-do-you-know-of-for-those-struggling-with-severe-depression-i-need-this-to-stop-someth-1/
I'm curious too.
The real question is not why you didn't ask this question 20 years ago, but why you stayed with your husband for 20 years?
He did what is common in the animal kingdom, treated an offspring that wasn't his own very contemptibly, for no other reason than you son wasn't his kid. But people are supposed to rise above such animal instincts, yet your husband epic failed in that regard. Sorry, but I see your husband as a man of no redeeming value. And why you put up with that for 20 years, I don't know, I never could understand why people put up with such crappy treatment , and really, I hope I never do understand that. As a parent, you had the responsibility to look out for your son, this includes screening out men incapable of dealing with single mothers, as your husband is, or at the least standing up for your son, who couldn't stand up for himself.
It's not hard to find such men; though I am not much to look at, I am perfectly capable of treating my stepdaughter as if she were my own. Indeed, recently she showed how close we have become, by telling me if my wife and I ever did split up, she insisted on going with me, even over her own mother - and her father too. This was very low class of me, but I did briefly allow myself to feel good that I had such an impact.
You can't do anything about the past, and your son probably has resentment that you didn't stand up for him, even if he has not shown it to you yet. He's going to have to work out his issues himself.
Yup. I agree.
Seriously he is damaged and needs tons of therapy. This woman should be slapped for allowing her "husband" to act like this. I would never ever ever be with someone who I knew treated my kid like crap. You should be ashamed of yourself. You might as well have treated him like crap yourself. Great job.
Thank you for telling her what she needed to here. I actually think she's more to blame because that is HER CHILD. You would think that if her douche husband started in on the boy right way, while he was four and defenseless, that that would have been a deal breaker. I HATE, LOATHE, AND DESPISE stupid women that put a man before the children they elected to produce. I feel for this young man. I really do.
Look above you, there's one right there lol.
Sadly, apologizing and owning how wrong she has been all these years coupled with therapy as damage control for her son are now her only options. I hope her son can get enough help to get his life back on track. Why she is still with her husband and has been with him all these years is beyond my comprehension.
Excellent advice, Cary.
I feel for the poor son. But a bright spot, he is only 24 and that's still fairly young, his prospects are still good. People have turned their lives around from similar situations. It will be a rough road ahead, but he can make the journey. For once, I don't mean this cynically.
Are you freaking kidding me? This woman knew from the beginning that this man treated her son badly yet continued to allow him to mistreat him. It's way too late to do anything about it. That's what happened to me too. My mother didn't protect me from the abuse and now I hate both of them. It's hard to forgive and forget years of abuse and a parent who is supposed to protect you, allowing it to happen. That woman should be ashamed of herself
Great answer! As a mother, this makes my blood boil, grrrrrrrrr. I hope this young man can find peace.
this is exactly why my son has no clue i even have a dating life, and won't until i am 1000% confident that something like this will not happen. parents forget all too quickly how they are the most important people writing on the slate of their children's lives. when kids realize even their own parents won't have their back, bad things happen to their personality function that sometimes just can not be undone. any shrink will tell you personality disorders are among the most difficult to treat. doesn't matter how old they are when the slate gets wiped off to start fresh, the slate is never the same again. unfortunately people think that kids are too dumb to realize what is happening, particularly in the case of emotional abuse. but they aren't. my son's step mother treats me like a pile of crap, and so i already know she is not exactly the model citizen she would have others believe her to be. while i have no idea how she treats him when he is over there, he comes home every weekend saying stuff like "i don't care how nice mommy d pretends to be sometimes, i know how mean she really is, not just on the weekends but remember that time when...." you know, and he is referring to times when i have had to give the mommy explanation for the definition of "pathetic" or "tramp" as she has said those to my face in his presence, and in her own children's presence as well. the important thing to remember is that we can not control anyone else's choices but our own, and as parents, we need to be really really mindful of what our choices, or lack of choices, are doing to our children. it really is our fault sometimes if they grow up messed up...because of stuff just like this. reading this one made me sad, you did an awesome job Cary. i'm glad it was printed though, maybe someone else will read this and go holy sh&% what am i DOING to my kid?
I was a single mother for 13 years and though it got lonely at times, and adult conversation would have been a nice change...NOBODY would have gotten the chance to treat my child like for 20 SECONDs, let alone 20 YEARS!
I really dispise women like this..."but he's my soulmate"...."he's good with our daughter"..."he's the breadwinner"..."I can't do it alone". ALL a bunch of BULLSHIT.
When I got serious with my now husband when my daughter was 13, I told him flat out..."never try to make me choose between you and my daughter...you've already lost. You're not AS important as she is, you're not even CLOSE to as important and you never will be.". Not only did he ACCEPT that, but he was surprised I even felt the need to say it, he already knew it. He may not be her biological father, but he's her daddy adn they have a great relationship.
At this point, paying for her son's therapy is really all she can do. She needs to stand back and let him decide what he wants from her, because she has let him down, betrayed him and damaged him for 20 years...he has NO reason to trust her and less to respect her. As to the stepass (there is NOTHING father about him)...well, a long walk off a short pier and a pool of hungry sharks sounds like a good plan.
Stepass. I like that. I hope one of the GS guys add that to the Guyspeak Dictionary.
The best part about this whole situation and the woman who asked this question, is i bet she read all these comments and went into total denial about it. I can picture her saying to herself, " these people don't know my situation, they don't know all sides of what happened it wasn't that bad". BULLSHIT.
I think all of you are being especially harsh with this woman. How many people reading this have been in her position? I have. I understand what its like to want to provide security, food, shelter, etc for your children and within the stability of a marriage. My children are from my second husband, and my third husband was my last and longest relationship. He wasn't perfect and I did feel that he was harsh with my children, but he also provided many good things for them as well. Add to that, my desire to make my third marriage work. At some point you start to realize that when you're on your third marriage you need to admit to yourself that you're the common denominator. Perhaps she reasons to stay, but your platform doesn't allow enough space to explain all the details of 20 years.
Sorry, I call BS on this. I HAVE been in situations where by leaving I was basically homeless. But I would NEVER have remained in a situation in which my child was being abused, PERIOD. And being a dick to a kid, then giving them a barbie IS abuse and it's part of the cycle of abuse...just like the guy who smacks his wife, then brings her flowers and says it'll never happen again..he's SOOO sorry.
First, the person in this story wasn't "overly harsh", he was abusive. And second, I'd be willing to bet that your husband wasn't "overly harsh" either, but abusive. There is NO excuse to allow anyone to treat your child as less than the best thing in the world. And by excusing that abuse by saying "be it's the only way to take care of the kids" is a cop out and worse, it's saying that your financial security is more important than your kids.
Get out, find a different way. This may come as a shock to you, but you don't NEED a man to live, deary...... you can live on your own, raise your kids on your own and be a 100% whole person ON YOUR OWN. This is real life, NOT a Fairy Tale.
Woah, Marla...you know nothing about me! Nada. Zero. Zilch. You have no right to accuse my ex of abuse! This platform does not allow the poster to condense a 20 marriage into a couple sentence question! And who said anything about Barbies??? Being a stepparent or having a spouse who is the stepparent is extremely challenging! It's not all rainbows, butterflies and gumdrops and people aren't perfect! I was a stepmom to my ex-husband's daughter and he was step-dad to my two daughters. So I have experience both ways. The poser of the question does not give specifics, and I'm sure it's because of space alotted for the question. There's a lot of people with short fuses spewing furious responses here which may or may not be fueled by personal experiences. I don't think we have the whole story here.
Being a parent or step parent is hard. It's still not an excuse to be a dick to the stepchild. Read the question, she admits he treats his own kid like a princess and her kid that's not his abusive - she used the word abuse herself. Absolutely no excuse for a parent to tolerate and do nothing when a partner treats their children in this manner. Her husband (and she says in her question he is still her husband) verbally abused this poor kid for 20 years, and she apparently didn't lift a finger to stop it. HE WAS NOT A STEPFATHER THAT TRIED TO DO RIGHT BUT FAILED - HE ABUSED HIS STEPCHILD BECAUSE HE WASN'T HIS KID!!! I am judgemental to her (and even harder to him!), I have no second thought about being judgemental to her. I actually once ended a relationship with a woman *BECAUSE* she tried to ingratiate herself to me at the expense of being neglectful of her own infant. Though I was benefiting, it was a dealbreaker for me.
Um, you yourself said that you were willing trade abusive, negligent behavior towards your own children, just for the companionship of a man. Marta was right to judge you, and I also judge you harshly. Seriously, you thought it was cool to be with a man hurtful to your kids just because you wanted a man's company? Good God, even I don't have that low of self-esteem to be with a woman like that!!!
I'll tell you why she didn't get him help years ago. It's not rocket science, you know.? She cared more about her dick and her meal ticket than she did her son. I see trash like this all the time, lucky as I am working in public health and social services. Unskilled, uneducated and totally dependent on some bum to keep them up. When you can't stand up for your own flesh and blood you are one sorry ass POS, lady, and you better believe that term is used loosely. For the most part, there isn't even a history of abuse, etc.. in their childhoid backgrounds to account for their piss poor parenting skills. Nope, just plain old, sorry ass laziness. I'm so sick of the stupid bitches making stupid choices and ruining their poor kids lives. For what? A dumb ass man, seriously?
Gee, if you dislike "bitches" (read: women) so much, maybe you should join the abusive husband.
It's difficult to take your comments (and there are beginning to be a lot of them on this site) seriously when you are using such a derogatory word to describe women.
And glad to see you're working in social services . . . you must be having a very positive impact on society, seeing as you have so much respect and empathy for people, especially women (who, by the way, make up at least 50% of the readership of this site). You wonder why people are "trash?" Maybe because those who are PAID TO HELP THEM (you know, such as your fine self) think that they are trash, and so reinforce the idea. You know, you can't help someone off the ground if you are busy punching them in the face at the same time.
I wish I could see the letter Cary would send to my own mother, who has been verbally and physically abusive towards me for years. Problem with my mom though, she would never admit it is her fault that I'm painfully shy and have low self-esteem. At least the woman who wrote this letter recognized the cause, and is willing to do something to fix it.
Cary's advice was good. And as someone with very low self-esteem, who left the house at 18 (I'm now 34), I can say that there's hope for the boy. I'm not perfectly alright, there's still room for improvement, but it's a lot better than years ago.
One thing I would like to suggest - therapy for the step dad. If he's treating his daughter (and presumably, his wife) well, then he must know how to behave, and chooses to be an ass only to the stepson. I think it would help the son immensely if he had his stepdad's encouragement/support, or at least a few kind words once in a while. The son won't believe it at first, but with time, it will help make a positive effect. Another thing that definitely helps - no more contact between the stepdad and stepson. If possible, help the son live on his own, where he doesn't have to see his abuser every day.
That was a great answer Cary.
questioner, You are a terrible mother
If the man doesn't love the child which is part of the woman he doesn't love her either
LOVE this, AJ!
The thing is, she's not doing this for her son. She may say she cares, and hell, she very well may, but it's not why she's asking this question. She's looking for validation, hence why she got pissed at MM for basically telling her what Cary did (just in his usual terms that most people just seem to miss somehow >> ). MM told her that family - blood - is supposed to fight for each other. Love is nice but blood is supposed to level mountains, drain rivers or go all out in order to protect their own. (Please correct me if I'm wrong heh) Basically, she ignored her child for her man.
She feels guilty now for standing aside and just letting it happen. She can't live with herself anymore which is why NOW, instead of oh say from the start, is trying to reach out to him. She may care, and even though it's really too late for such things, I hope it's a true desire, but deep down, she's doing it for herself. She wants to hear that she wasn't such a bad person for picking some supposed lover over flesh and blood child who desparately needed her. Because I've noticed that she hasn't commented on here as of yet, and she replied to MM's, even if it was to be rude and whiny. I feel so bad for her son, because his life will never be easy and he's been shown that he can't turn to the ones who are always supposed to help him and support him; his family.
My relationship sucked with my mom cause of things we've done to each other, but I know that if anything happened to me or that I needed help, my mother would be there! She'd probably run over demons to save me! I live halfway across the country from here and if I lost my place to live, she'd make sure I could get back home to her! All mothers should be that way! All of them. And you should be ashamed of yourself, OP, damned ashamed! Your SON is in pain and always will be and YOU let it happen. By not helping him, you're just as responsible as your husband. Even if you manage to get him to not yell at you, he'll never trust you again. And that's really sad.
I'm not even a parent and this makes me so very angry. You should have known better. Actually I bet you did. I know it's not good to lash out like this but it boggles my mind. My little brother is autistic. He'll never be as normal as he could have been but he does his best. And when I see people make fun of him and make him cry (cause he's usually a very happy soul) cuase of his stuttering speech and awkward demeanor, I want to go hulk smash and bring some pain, because he doesn't deserve that. Your son didn't deserve what he got either. Have you even spoken to him? Does he realize you wish to help? Or did you come here first?
If you truly do wish to help him, do as Cary says. Be there for everything. He's going to have really, really hard times ahead and you need to own up to YOUR part in it. Not just your husband's, YOURS. I wish your son all the luck in the world. I'll be praying for him. It'll be tough but I have faith he can do it.
If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much. - Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
When my mom & dad divorced & started dating again, my parents both made sure that the person they dated was ok with my sisters & me, just in case they were "the one". When my mom remarried, she made sure my step dad didn't have any past issues with abusing others or anything, & then made sure he met us (my sisters & me) so she could get an idea of how he'd treat us. She also made sure he knew that if he touched any of us inappropriatly, it would be over betweeen them. They've been happily married now for over 20 years, & he's never done anything. This has affected me by showing me that if I ever have similar situation, I should act have the same policies. I hope/wish everybody had the same policy with their kids & partners.
I have the opposite question I guess. My wife hates my son. She wishes he was never born. he's her stepson. She has a daughter to someone else and her daughter is perfect.... we have a daughter together also. What can I tell her to do to wake the heck up. I'm sick and tired of her telling me my son is messed up and what not. She's ok in front of him, but she complains to me every day about it. Oh yeah she has master degree in secondary edu and her gma has a dr in secndary edu. They both think my 4 year old son is messed up. What can I do?
This reminds me of the mom from Eight Mile. And lots of other movies. Oh, & I almost forgot, lots of real people.
Something similar has happened to me, the only difference is that I chose my son over my husband. I met my husband when my son was 5 years old he is now 14. I have been with my husband for 9 years married 6. My son and husband had a great relationship until my husband left to Afghanistan for deployment. When my husband came back he turned into this person I have never witnessed before. He became selfish, short tempered, and very condecending and nasty. My son started to feel rejection from him and his relationship whith his biological father went sour. I had a new born daughter with him and I guess this was a lot for my son to tackle and process. On top of it all my son has had issues with his self esteem due to being shorter than the rest and of course normal teenage hormones including mild depression. I believe it was too much for him to handle. Long story short my husband and I started to have our own issues in the marriage as far as discipline for my son and it was a constant battle, including communication and understanding. My husband became much like a drill sergeant and emotionless towards my son and myself. Everything was discipline for my son on his behalf but not a care or hug was brought upon to him. My son felt picked on. Multiple times my son has told me he wanted to go home, when in fact we were home. I am assuming he didnt feel like he was home. I needed to make it a home for my children. I decided to separate from my husband and after all this and a recent betrayal on his behalf. I want to save my marriage but my husband has made me choose, it's either my son or him. He states he no longer wants to live in a home where an adolescent is disrespectful and out of control. Yes my son has had issues with the use of marijuana and I have and continue to help him he currently is in rehab outpatient and is doing good so far. I have learned to do things differently with my son and he seems to be more at ease with my husband out of the home. I am a mother first and if no one can understand that including my husband then he shouldnt be in my life or my son's life. I feel that when all was good and my son was doing great straight A's in school, when my son rebelled it was easy for him to walk away. True collors came out on behalf of him and his family. My son is hurt by all this but my main focus is getting my son the help he needs and all he has is me. No man is worth my childrem, and if he or anyone can't understand that then no man deserves me or my children.