Wow, that's a new one -- Mom needs to move in with the kid. It's usually the other way around, but these are the economic times in which we live. Things are tough all over.
You're right: if she moves in, it will likely affect your relationship with your boyfriend in a negative way. It won't help your relationship with your mom, either. Three's a crowd, and when the third one is your mom, it's not just a crowd, it's a Who concert. You might enjoy having her there at first, but things could go wrong quickly and in so many ways.
What happens when she starts telling you how to live your life? How to cook, clean, arrange the furniture, grocery shop? How you work too much? Why you should get rid of your cats? That's what moms do, you know. They can't help it. You'll always be her child and she wants to take care of you, even when you are grown and don't need it.
Or, what if she feels like an intruder and tiptoes around you, and stays in her room all the time because she feels like an imposition on you two? Then you'll feel guilty.
What if she's always there and never goes anywhere, like that cock-blocking loser roommate you had in college? You'll feel smothered.
What if your boyfriend resents suddenly having to share you with your mom? What happens when you two fight? Will her presence stifle your sex life because you worry about her hearing you? The list could go on and on...
On the other hand, she's your mother. She carried you for 40 weeks, brought you into the world, fed you, clothed you, raised you. If the tables were turned, she would take you into her home without hesitation. She's your mom. You can't leave her on the street.
If she can afford her own place, that's the best solution for everyone's sake. If not, I don't have an answer for you. I don't know you or your mom or the particular dynamics of your relationship. I do know that moving her in will add stress to your life and could threaten your relationship with your boyfriend. That's a sacrifice you might have to make.
Are you and your mom honest enough with each other than you could discuss your concerns? That might be a good start.
It's a tough decision, but one only you can make. Good luck with it.
I don't comment on this site often, but I feel the need to in this case.
I have 3 words for you:
Don't. Do. It.
Trust me.
I have personal experience in this area. When my husband and I first got married, his mom lived with us for 6 months. I can't remember the reasoning now (or perhaps have blocked it), but it was the worst 6 months ever. She didn't have freinds or anything to do beyond work, and she was there ALL THE TIME. At the time, we (my hubby and I) didn'tget the chance to live together before the wedding, so we didn't get to the honeymoon phase of the relationship before we were married, and having his mom there was horrible. Absolute hell.
On top of her there all the time, she insisted on being "the mom" to him and trying to care for him. Granted, they hadn't seen each other very much in the 5 years previous, but still.... I wasn't able to get a dinner in edgewise in this. I came very close to leaving him because of her.
I did stick it out, and we have been married for 15 years now. I harbored a very hateful attitude toward her for a very long time. It didn't let up until our first child was born 5 years from the time we got married.
It is your life, and it is up to you, but if I could go back and do it over again, I would put my foot down on this.
I concur w/ SW ... DON'T DO IT!
I've experienced this and it came to a point where I had to question "When does the line become crossed between me helping her out and her taking advantage of me?"
She's controlling and a big baby! She's the baby of her siblings and is/was always very spoiled. And it spilled over into her adult life. If things don't go her way or if I didn't listen to her and do things exactly as she said she'd get all pouty and pissed. There was even one point in time I invited her to come hang out with me (I was w/ a bunch people around her age and they were all friends already). I had already made plans to meet up with a guy I'd been seeing for a few months. When the rest of our crew decided to leave, I decided to stay and wait for the guy (he was running late). My mom at first was going to leave with the rest of the group, but at the last mintue decided to stay. She turned into a raging bitch! And was talking mass shit about a guy she had never even met! When he finally got there I was pumped. Told my mom we were going to check some other places out and she got pissed! She said she called for a ride and what not so I left. Now she accuses me of ditching her for a guy! And she was rude as hell to the guy!
Ah Mother's! Gotta love 'em (even if sometims it's because you HAVE TO!)
**Side note: I still love my mom, and would still take her in, in a heart beat, but maybe lay some ground rules next time =)
Wow.. How cold are some of these comments? . She's your mother for christ's sake. Where should she go? The fuckin street? ...Insane...truly insane.. Sure its true, parents can kill the fun times ( and yeah, I can see his point, she's probably going to annoy you) .. But this is crisis mode we're talking about. I doubt it makes her feel good to even have to ask for your help, but she's asking.
A man can leave you tomorrow, and a career can go up in smoke.. But family is family.. Do right by them.
YouNeedJesus: for the record (in case you didn't read the end of my comment) I do in fact love my mom. And I understand how hard it may have been to have to come to me for help. And I would do it again in a heart beat. I'd do anything for her... I'm just saying it isn't easy.
We're adults and we live by different sets of rules than we did when our parents were the "grown ups". It's a difficult transition for a mother (I'm sure) to go from the parent to a "roommate" of sorts.
So step off your high horse and realize it's just difficult and should be thought out. There could be other options, but if there isn't I'm not saying make her mother be homeless or any such thing. Just understand it will be a work in progress and will take some adjustment.
Different standards? Oh what, she cant party and fuck her boyfriend in her own home because now mom is around? Gimmie a break. I'm sure her mother wouldn't have a problem, their both adults.
If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd want someone to help you in your time of need. If my kid needed to "consider" letting me stay, I'd say good riddance... Thats whats wrong with people in this fucked up culture we're livin in ...Their more into their designer dog carriers than treating human beings with respect and dignity. Dont you get it? In the end, all we have is each other.. People need people.
Dude. Take a chill pill.
- Jesus
Based on language alone...I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that YouNeedJesus needs Jesus!
Just one more reason why this Christian doesnt go to church....full of bible thumping hypocrites!
Anyway, I couldnt live with my mom unless it was an emergency. I would help my mom find a job and agree to let her stay for 3 months, after that she needs to work on getting her own place. While she was there, there would be some ground rules like: do not get involved in our arguments, unless we both come to you and ask your opinion at the same time. We need personal space sometimes, respect that. Do not bring guys into our home and expect him to stay the night....thats just disrespectful. Treat our home as you would a strangers, if you use the last of the tp, replace it! If you use the last of the milk, replace it! Etc.
Thanks for answering my question Cary and thanks to the commenters.
I guess this whole situation annoys me because my mom has a Ph.D. and I'm still trying to put myself through college. There's no jobs out there at -all-?? I also feel like since she doesn't have a job, saying something like "you need to leave in three months" won't work. Asking for money for things will also delay the process of her moving out.
As for the whole "she carried you"...she also decided to conceive. I don't recall *asking* to be born, so that seems like some emotional blackmail to me. But I do recognize that if the situation were reversed, she would take me in in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I don't know what that would feel like since our parent/child roles seem to have been reversed for quite some time.
So Jesus, there is a lot to be said for opening your home to someone in need. There is also a lot to be said for assuming responsibility for your own happiness while helping someone become independent. Kind of like that whole "teach them how to fish" idea. ;)
I agree with a lot of comments I just got asked the same question by my mom and dnt know what to do ....
I agree with a lot of comments I just got asked the same question by my mom and dnt know what to do ....
my mom just asked me the same thing, even though all three of my siblings have offered her to move in with them, but she wants to live with me. I am the only one of her kids that is in a relationship, and we live together. I know it will put a major strain us, and probably make him resentful towards me and her, which would be awful. My mom and I already do not have a very close relationship, and honestly I'm still trying to get over the way she treated me when I was a teenager, as she always chose men over me, ALWAYS. Is it so wrong if I do the same? If I lived alone it would be different, or if I had a house, but we live in a small two bedroom apartment with NO storage. I don't know what to do, I guess I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
I'm running into the same issue with my mom. Here's the background: I'm an only child, joined the military when I was 17 and moved around the world quite a bit. During those years, my parents divorced and I got married. I got out of the military and obtained a federal job that causes me to occasionally move. Mom moved to Nevada while I lived in Washington state, then work sent me to Maryland. I always told her that I would try to get back to Washington once I was done in Maryland, because I love that part of the country and we'd be on the same side of the USA. Six months before I received my transfer notice to Washington, she abandoned her home in Nevada and moved to Michigan to live with members of our extended family. She threw a fit when I informed her of my transfer, claiming she knew I would "never take care of her" and that I love my wife's parents more because I'm moving closer to where they live in Oregon. Now she makes negative comments about the new home we're moving to and attempts to use emotional blackmail to get me to send her money. For example, she once told me about a friend who offered to reach into his 401k retirement plan to help her make car payments and how he said he didn't understand why I wasn't handling her payments. Then, during the same conversation, she told me about the great seat she had at a concert and a trip she's planning.
I'm reaching the conclusion that she intended for me to be her 'retirement plan' all along. Because she outright abandoned her house, I'm afraid of co-signing anything for her. At this point, I'd rather get settled out in Washington and see what I can do to send her some form of financial aid. When I was a child, she once mentioned that she would haunt me if I ever thought of placing her in a retirement home. If she moved in with my wife and me, she'd try to take over the house. I'd either end up kicking her out or getting divorced.
I have a saying about my mom: I love her, but I know her.
I have the same problem with my mother but I had to say no. She behaves like a child that wants everyone to feel sorry for her and I am completely over it. I have my own children to take care of and enough on my plate already to also have to deal with her drama. I can just imagine how it would go if she moved in: she would tell my teenage daughter how good she looks in super tight clothes, complain to me about how my husband leaves his things around the house (but never complains to him), and whine to me about how she is oh so sick-but she never does anything to get better other then keep popping pills from her doctor. So she just needs to learn to grow up and take care of herself because I am NOT her mother.
Oh BTW my moms sister has offered to take her in for a few months but my mother refused because my aunt "was not nice" to her. Yes, there is definitly a difference between helping and being taken advantage of. Make sure it is not the latter.
I am shocked by the comments here. Taking care of the women who gave you life and took care of you for her whole life is a honor not a burden. Most eastern cultures the mother moves in and helps raise the grandchildren. The mother treats the girlfriend/fiance/wife like their own daughter. All I can say is when you get older how would you want to be treated.