OK. This is seriously one of the few times I regret not being much given to swearing. I made a bet I'd not see a dumber question than "Can a man hit a woman that he loves?" this month. I was wrong. This is just stone dumb.
And now you are good and mad at me, and your adrenaline is pumping:
WHAT IN GODS NAME ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM STILL?!
Kick his worthless backside to the curb. Do it publicly, with as many witnesses as you can find, hard enough that he bounces a couple of times. If you don't have a couple of large cousins to give you a hand, be prepared to call the cops on him if you have to - and you might have to if he decides to kick up a fuss. Unlikely though, as it sounds like he is the type who could fertilise a thousand acre farm just by talking for five minutes.
Then get yourself to a lawyer and get the divorce paperwork started. Bet your Dad won't mind springing for that, at least.
He may beg for another chance. He'll do better, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ignore him. He is so full of it, he squeaks.
He probably will bluster and threaten. Don't listen. If you, or you parents, feel threatened, call the police at once. They are paid to take out abusive trash, and are exceptionally good at it. They will also tell you how to get a restraining order or a protection order, should it become necessary. Protection order is your best bet, but both have their pluses and minuses.
Putting yourself back together is going to take longer, I'm afraid. I'll keep an eye on the comments section here for a while, in case you need to ask anything else.
To the woman who wrote this, you are a wonderful and strong woman even though you may not realize it right now. The situation is crazy, not you, and you are taking the first step to a healthier life by realizing there is a problem. I've been in an abusive relationship, and I know how hard it can be to leave. What finally got me out of it was applying the 3 Cs of alcoholism to my ex's behavior: You didn't cause his behavior. You can't control his behavior, and you can't cure it. There are some really good books on the market about codependency and abusive relationships that you might find helpful. Please know that you are not the one to blame, no matter what he says. Good luck with everything.
B - any chance of a title or two?
There are good books and there is the usual shedload of rubbish. If you have one or two that worked for you, please share it.
Happy to. Anything written by Melody Beattie about co-dependency, especially "Codependent No More" and "Beyond Codependency". She's one of the leading authorities on the subject. A couple other books are "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft and "It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence" by Roger R. Hock. I've read all of these and have found them helpful.
Thanks!
I usually avoid recommending books, through not knowing which the useful ones are and which should be avoided as a waste of time or downright harmful. Have saved these though - and the next time one of these comes up (probably next week - *rolls eyes*) I'll be able to recommend something!
Oh my dear ... you can do this. You MUST take out the trash. For your mental, emotional and physical health - now and in the future - divorce this man. Get a seperate bank account and start putting your money into... do not give him access. Make sure you change the locks the morning the papers are filed/served (have him served away from home). Document what he says, what he does that is harmful to you and your family. Protect yourself because he will be angry about losing you. But you can't change him, you can only change you and your situation. Best of luck to you.
I experienced the very beginning of this kind of relationship that would have turned into this had I not had the help of my big burly Irish cop cousins.
He is a vampire. Stop feeding him.
Excellent Answer. Wish there were a way to like it twice.
Then again, if you've been married for awhile, it would make things harder to just drop and leave him behind since they could have been married for quite awhile Im guessing. This also falls into the typical divorce trend that seems to be happening every second for married couples. People change, and for better or worst, you'll just have to either deal with it, or you don't. So leave his ass behind if it's not making things better. Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis and treating everyone like shit cause of his low self esteem.
MM. I am getting sicker and so worried for mom &dad, and i HATE him blamin g and lies, everyone owes him $$$$$ I can't take looking at him. maw 7 PAW ARE BOTH ILL, I'M DISABLED, BUT i'M THE CAUSE OF ALL OF IT. HAD HE GOT A job AFTER WE LOST OUR SMALL BISINESS, HE DRINKS AND SMOKES PLUSN GOT ADDICTED TO OXY-CONTIN. HIS YELLING IS SO MEAN I CRY. HE EVEN STEALS MY MEDICINE CAN CRY. i CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. I'M 52 AND ACCORDING TO THE DR.'S, MY BODY IS OF A 67 YEAR OLD. PLEASE PLEAS PLEAS...SEND ME OT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. i PUT ALL THE MONEY BUYING A HOUSE, HE PAINTED ROOMS, HE'S DAMANDING $$$$$ hE DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE, i HAD TO, AND i CAN HARDLY MOVE. hE'S PASSIVE/AGGRESIVE..I HATE THA AND OTHERS HAVE CAUGHT HIM WITH SIMPLE LIES. SO YAH..HE'S AN ALCHOLIC, FUNKTIONING ONE, DOESNT' TAKE CARE OF HIS HEALTH, HE SMOKE, DRINKS, PILLS, AND HAS HIGH B/P i CAN'T TAKE IT. SO MANY PEOPLE TOLD ME TO KICK HIM OUT, AND WHEN I DO, HE TELLS ME TO GO. AND LET'S NOT GET INTO THE DEPRECATIONS..HE'S NEVER-EVER WRONG. TALKS OVER PEOPLE'S CONVERSASIONS, BUT DONT DO IT TO HIM. HE'LL HUMILIATE YOU AND HE'S SEVERELY OVER THE TOP. NOT TO MENTION, HE'S LOST HIS BEST FRIEND. (S). HE STRONGLY BELIEVES EVERYONE OWES HIM. tHE STERSS HE PUTS ON ME & THE YELLING, I BELIEVE HE'S MADE ME ILL. i AM CANCER REMISSION, MYNECK SUX, AND I GET SO MANY MIGRAINES FROM HIS SCREAMING AT ME, I VOMIT. I'M WEAK & FRAIL, WEIGH 103 @ 5'6" HE WEGHS 210-215 LBS 6'3'', SO I JUST LET IT GO, HENCE ME HEALTH. I'VE LOST THE BEST YEARS (12) BEING SICK AND HE'S MAD AT ME FOR IT. i WANT MY 12 YRS. BACK. GOOD JOKE, HAH? AGAIN, H-E-L-P ME. "TELL ME WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE CANCER IS BACK.
OK lass, it is a bad problem - but not an unsolvable one.
He is living in your house. It is not his. He tells YOU to get out? Tell him to get his ass out right now - or better still, call either your family or the cops on him. But get him out of your life. Right now.
You can't live like this, love. He is the problem - he goes. That is your most important step. Everything else on hold, until he is gone.
And if you can't kick him out - leave. Just get out of there. Every decent sized town in every state has a womans shelter, and you, love, are a very battered woman.
God bless you and keep you.
To the woman who wrote this, I hope you are ok? I am just now reading your post. You are in an extremely bad situation, but it is not your fault. Sometimes it is hard to think and it can also be hard to ask others for help, but it's ok!
My heart goes out to you! I know this life all too well, and unless you run from it, you will not be able to think clearly and take care of yourself.
I would like to share a website with you to visit. There are many people there who know your pain! You will realize that you are not alone. I go there to write, to read, to offer hope, to cry, you name it! Please at least visit and know that you are not alone.
David Sheff.com the author of Beautiful Boy "a father's journey through his son's addiction",,, He has written for Playboy, Rolling Stone, and done interviews with John Lennon. Sounds great right? Well, what he shares with us is the part of his life that was not great, it was painful and dark and heartbreaking. This sight is filled with women like you and me, who would love to be able to run and live with Mystery Man (just to feel safe and happy) lol, but lets face it Mystery Man cannot take us all in even if we wish he could :o)
I cannot promise you will find all the answers, but I can promise that you will feel supported and that you will learn from others what has happened to them when they continued to try to "save" the addict/alcoholic without any results. The result for most of us is that we begin to drown with them and can barely come up for air.
Please know that I care, I understand, I have a family member that puts me in the same danger/heartache etc and you must reach out for help. Please let us know here that you are ok. I will be glad to email/talk with you in any way. You matter!
God Bless & Keep You,
Bella