Simple: ask her if she wants to stay married or get divorced. And ask yourself the same question. What else is there?

You two are at a crossroad, my friend. You've tried all these things and nothing seems to work, so it's time to assess the relationship and what you both want from it. Her idea of ignoring the problems and hoping they go away is about as effective as locking yourself in a room with a hungry tiger for a week and hoping he doesn't swat your face off and eat it like a pizza. It won't work, so remove it from the solutions list. You two need to sit down and talk about your future together as frankly and honestly as you know how, and make a decision to do something. The status quo cannot continue. You both sound miserable.

Resentment builds up in all marriages, you know. That's just part of being married; we are all human, we all screw up, and our screw-ups hurt and annoy our spouses, who are also only human. The key is what you choose to do with that resentment. Do you keep it in a velvet-lined box and get it out every night so you can stroke its fur ("My pretty grudges, my pretty, pretty grudges"), or do you deal with it and move on?

I realize that letting go of past hurts is easier said than done, but I'm talking about desire. Desire begets action: you must decide that you want to solve the problem before you can solve it. I could be wrong, but I get the impression that your wife rather enjoys hanging on to her acrimony toward you. If so, then little will change in your marriage until she chooses to let go of it--and she might never be able to do that. Some people simply cannot forgive and forget.

If she (or you) wants to split up, then divorce might be your answer. But don't kid yourself: divorce will be as hard or harder than what you're experiencing now.

If she wants to remain married, then ask her what you asked me: what should you do? You can't change the past. What's done is done. You can try to make amends for past mistakes (and it sounds like you already have) and you can change your behavior in the future, but you cannot undo what is already done.

That leaves only one other option: she has to get over it, whatever that takes. I think it starts with a conscious decision on her part, but will also likely mean more counseling. You don't say how long you went, but undoing years of marital damage is not a quick process. You have to commit to something that will be hard and might take years to complete, but will hopefully be worth it in the end.

Those are your options. Note that they don't include faking it or ignoring the problems until they disappear. They won't. You have to take a brave step and do something, and it starts with brutal honesty between you.

I hope you can work it out.