Is your marriage sustainable? Your question doesn't provide enough details for me to give you an up or down vote on filing for divorce, but I can give you seven things to think about.
1. What was your life like before this disability? Has your wife ever worked? Is she still perhaps dealing with the trauma of your new circumstances and needs time to adapt.
2. Have you spoken to her in clear terms about the need for her to bring in money if you two are to survive? Are you planning on making money in a new way - given your limitations? Are there other streams of income coming to you guys?
3. Was she a smothering type before this happened? Have you communicated to her your need for space? Maybe she thinks you crave this right now? Maybe she is unaware of the extent to which she hovers around you and just needs to be reminded of your needs and reality.
4. Do you have children? If so, how would divorcing impact them? If you don't, does your disability preclude children the future? Has that been brought up?
5. What sort of friends and family support are you both receiving individually and as a couple? Are you able to process these questions and many more with someone you trust and respect?
6. Are you looking to substantiate and validate for yourself reasons why you should be allowed to file for divorce?
7. Are you looking to substantiate and validate for yourself reasons why you should not be allowed to file for divorce?
Good luck, buddy. You have a great deal to sift through...
I think funny guy is being too nice. You are disabled enough that you require her to make a total life change based on your needs, yet you think about being with another woman and feel you have the wherewithal to go find her? Wow, you sound like a prize.
As far as I can tell, the wife isnt making ANY changes, let alone total life ones.
Based on the info he gave, his status as disabled is recent. He never mentioned that she hasn't made any changes. Just that he doesn't want her around all the time and that he wants her to get a job. He did say that he feels confident there is another woman out there for him. Perhaps one that works and stays away during the day.
For all we know there are kids involved or perhaps other reasons that make giving him space and getting a job difficult.
It's apparent you have never been stuck with anyone who is dead weight. When there are bills to pay and you are unable to provide anymore, it gets really real. He winds up having to depend on someone who clearly is not going to save them both. He has obviously lost respect for his partner and wants out... I don't blame him. Think about it - if he were a she and the husband refused to save them both - then it would be totally unacceptable.
Actually I have been "stuck with dead weight." Plus, working with people with mental, cognitive and physical disabilities is my career.
I say he should file so he is free to get the space he wants and find a woman who better suits his needs.
If this was a woman posting the same question, based on the info given, I would feel the same way.
have you ever been married?? i dont think what jan said makes ANY of your assumptions "apparent". the vows are, 'for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer' with the underlying assumption being, EVEN IF you think the person is dead weight amidst the reality of bills and life, you stick together, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. he may well have lost respect for her, but if she has lost respect for him, i cant say i blame her based on the information he has provided. i don't really roll out the sympathy wagon for people that start off their list of problems after using the word "disability", it actually really irks me when people do that. i have a son with autism and i do not allow him to use that as a crutch. i teach him that EVERYbody has skills, and there are many many many very successful people in the world functioning with disabilities every single day. you just need to learn to use what you have with the cards you've been dealt as effectively as possible, instead of expecting the rest of the people in your life to pick up your slack. i am hearing a guy that is using money and disability excuses as a reason to leave the marriage, which isn't what marriage is about. people that are committed to someone, whether there are money or space issues or not, do not think like "i feel confident there could be another out there for me". another what? another person with a job maybe to bankroll his ass? people that love each other dont complain when the amount of time they spend together triples. if he doesn't need care, and is able bodied enough to turn the computer on to complain about her, maybe he could use those skills productively to turn the computer on and find a work from home situation. but he's not thinking about changes he could make, he only wants her to make changes. he needs 'room'. boo freaking hoo. go get one then, and leave this poor woman who has likely been caring for you and cooking for you and cleaning for you and picking up after you and taking you to appointments and getting your prescriptions filled, and on and on and on since the disability arose and thus is too damn tired to find a job which isn't all that easy to get today. sheesh. dude sounds a little entitled and selfish to me.
You and I are reading the same post and drawing different conclusions based on our own life experiences. I agree to disagree here. I am divorced and we are both paying off the ex's now defunct business. No one ever enters into a marriage thinking it will never work. What do you do when your partner puts you in debt the likes of which you will never recover? Life is a hardship and I identify with the husband here.
Agreed Chrissie, Starting his list of complaints using the word disabled irks me too. He used up his character limit complaining about needing space rather than describing his disability. Disabled permanently can be anything from paralysis to mental illness, to a gosh-darn-sore-back-that-remains-undiagnosable. I have hand tremors. I was born with them. It is a big enough deal to keep me from the nursing field. I have learned various tricks that help me stabilize my hands. I give great injections because I practiced forever on oranges. I am great at various procedures because I busted my hump finding a way to work around my tremors. People notice the tremors; I get comments from people often. Yet, doctors request that I work with them on rounds and procedures. Are my tremors a hardship or did they make me work hard?
I think the OP is frustrated and perhaps used the wrong words, here. How I read this is, "I have recently lost my job due to events beyond my control. Due to the same events, I will not be returning to work anytime soon. Even though we need an income in order to survive, my spouse refuses to seek gainful employment. To add insult to injury (no pun intended), my spouse is around the house all day, and I find that my resentment is growing--resentment for the fact that she refuses to make the adjustments necessary for us to continue living above the poverty line."
Let's just take the "disability" issue off the table--the OP is not going on and on about it, he doesn't seem to feel sorry for himself, I think he only mentioned it to explain why he can no longer work, himself. Yes, as some previous commenters mentioned, marriage is a give and take, it's for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health . . . so why isn't the wife working? If he suddenly died, or was in a coma, would she sit around the house all day and not fend for herself? If my spouse were suddenly incapacitated, I would pick up the slack, no questions asked . . . this is what couples do when they want the relationship to survive. If she is unwilling to do something to save them (not only as a couple, but in terms of their actual day-to-day existence), then I can understand why the OP would be concerned about the future of the relationship, and might question whether he is with the right person. Because, frankly, I'm questioning it, too.
And just as a side note, how nice for her to be so entitled that she doesn't need to work like the rest of us poor slobs! Wow, she must be a true princess! I wonder if he knew that when he married her.
Love and fresh air is one thing , Real world & Bills another.
Love grows out of respect , respect grows out of responsibilities
Responsibilities grow from your decisions.Marriage is an contract between two adults where there is equal give and take. The moment its all take or all give only in any suitiuation , resentment , respect and burdern shows there faces. Love can fade into resentment , its only human.
If he needs space and he has asked for it , she should give that. If the need of the family is $$ , the capable person should picth in. Respect builds ..love grows again. Fear of future , lack of space , no respoect and no responsibilities can squeeze the life out of the love you have...
Yet the question remains , how do you coupe with this suituation without actually divorcing..... commments please .
Love and fresh air is one thing , Real world & Bills another.
Love grows out of respect , respect grows out of responsibilities
Responsibilities grow from your decisions.Marriage is an contract between two adults where there is equal give and take. The moment its all take or all give only in any suitiuation , resentment , respect and burdern shows there faces. Love can fade into resentment , its only human.
If he needs space and he has asked for it , she should give that. If the need of the family is $$ , the capable person should picth in. Respect builds ..love grows again. Fear of future , lack of space , no respoect and no responsibilities can squeeze the life out of the love you have...
Yet the question remains , how do you coupe with this suituation without actually divorcing..... commments please .