I briefly thought this is one of the dozens of made-up questions I get. I've been asked many many outlandish questions. But my gut told me your serious. And even if the joke is on me, I'd rather answer and be the fool than not answer.
I don't mean this to sound trite, but a question like this is beyond the powers of your average Internet relationship hack. I'd also avoid the guidance of other so-called "experts." Avoid, especially, any one who claims to be a doctor, but goes by their first name. I'm talking to you Dr. Phil. These alleged mental health professionals are too often divas who exploit real pain for profit. Unlike me. I'm just a man, and all I have is my experience.
You should probably seek the counsel of an actual professional. Not for your wife. But for yourself. Your wife needs to talk to someone too. But that's going to be tricky, and you'll need some help convincing her to let down her guard. She thinks she's healed, but this is probably still a very real trauma. Be gentle and love her. Part of loving her is doing your own homework.
You need some help navigating this particular stretch of emotional rapids. I swear I this is not a cop-out. I totally get your anger. You are the new owner of a terrible secret, and if I were you, I'd positively seethe with fury. But anger is just the appearance of control. Getting angry makes you feel like you have control. The truth is, you don't know what to do. Which is why clocking this dude seems like a good idea. It's doing something. Right now, do nothing.
In fact the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath, and seek out a counselor. That person will help you create a plan. If you don't want to google available therapists, ask your primary care doctor for some recommendations.
The good news is your wife trusts you. Trusts you enough to tell you this terrible secret. Don't betray her trust by forcing her to do what she doesn't want to do. And don't confront her brother. Do you think playing hero and taking him down will bring about some kind of quick closure? It won't. The opposite will probably happen.
I know alot of dudes have no faith in shrinks. I don't think they're the cure all most people think they are. But they really can help with perspective, and with plotting out courses of action. Since the well-being of your marriage, your wife, and her family are at stake, I can't stress enough that you should seek out the opinion of someone who is not a friend, nor an Internet hack writer. Someone who is trained to deal with emotional crises, and who is totally objective.
This situation is a tightly coiled knot. Pulling on the knot will only tighten it further. It is going to take nimble fingers, and patience to untie it.
Wow - My ex husband could have written this. Thanks for answering this John and not thinking it's a joke. I suspect it's real.
Although after I told my ex (while we were still married), our marriage went down down and he cheated on me a few times. He was angry that I had not told him earlier in the marriage/relationship. It's very scary and I appreciate you telling this woman's husband to get counseling.
My ex STILL tells me how he's going to kick the crap out of my brother the next time he sees him. He has seen him since her found out, but somehow managed to keep control (unusual for him).
His wife needs counseling too... Together and separate. Their sex life will never be the same if her husband can't get past this. Mine couldn't. I wish her luck...
Hi,
You said things changed for the worst after telling your husband about what happened to you. I was wondering how so because I'm in a serious relationship now and recently he was really aggressive to me during sex and I broke down crying. I didn't tell him but I was thinking I should so he would know the reason why I responded so negatively to him. I don't want our relationship to suffer because I share this secret with him. Any info would help.
Thanks
I think you should be truthful in your relationship. If he is able to understand and react the way you need him to, then you truly are compatible. In my experience, men get frustrated when they know something's wrong but can't figure out what it is, sometimes they blame themselves and then just get angry about the whole situation. Plus, I personally believe that open communication is an absolute necessity for any healthy relationship... I had a bad relationship that really turned me off to sex in certain positions and I freaked out and cried during a night with my last boyfriend, and it was a horribly uncomfortable and emotionally strained time for us until I told him the backstory. If your boyfriend is a good man, he will only continue to feel love and support for you after you tell him.
You should not be afraid about the effect that truth will have on your relationship. For several reasons. 1) Because if you can not tell your significant other your deepest secrets then I would reconsider the relationship and 2) If you fear that he will react negatively then I would reconsider the relationship!
Lastly... You never know until you try.
Best of luck
Hey Nick, I really liked what you said about shrinks and counselors not being the cure all, but providing perspective & planning courses of action - excellent point, my man! I hope people who need to see those words come across this.
good answer, i suspect this is real too. sure there are some sick peple out there who would make something like this up, but if this guy is a regular reader, and is truly angry, confused and all the other things he's going through as the recipient of this new burdon, he was probably scared to ask this of anyone who might deduce his wife's secret, hence going to this internet hack, who gave the best answer anyone could in a situation like this. hell, he probably knew the right answer, but with something this big and scary, sometimes you just need to be acknowledged, and have some people that don't even know you share the weight of a burden like this.
My best friend in high school went through this before I met her. we talked about it minimally and I understood all of her feelings. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him but listening to her that wasn't what she wanted. Always listen to what the victim wants. She doesn't want you to be aggressive towards her brother she just wanted to reveal a part of herself that was difficult to. I suggest you stay away from him as much as possible.
Real or fabricated (I thought it was real, too), the question is certainly representative of a very true problem that a lot of people deal with. A best friend of mine was raped in childhood, and has never truly gotten over the experience. Just as the victim has to work through that experience on their own terms, so too do the people in their lives that they confide in. This was a great answer, John.
how I found this site was looking for help for my daughter, I've been aware for one month two days that her brother sexually assaulted her in our own home one year ago. My son, his young wife and two babies were living with us then. The anguish is crippling. She kept this locked inside to protect his family and us, her parents. She'd confided to me shortly afterwards that someone had harmed her; she asked me to find her a counselor, not anyone we'd seen as a family when we'd discovered that our foster child was being sexually abused when visitting his father. I got her a referral from that counselor to one who supposedly specializes in assisting victims of sexual assault. Her 150$ initial meeting fee covered her inquiring if my daughter had been under the influence of alcohol when the abuse occurred and whether she thought it would not have happened if she had not been trusting that you are safe getting drunk with your brother; then offered her a referral to a "specialist" to talk about her drinking. My daughter thanked the woman, let her know she no longer trusts having a drink unless she is alone and her apartment is secured, but also told her to keep her referral she could always attend AA meetings without a 150$/hr session fee. Her sharing her actual nightmare with us March 1st was only because after keeping a brave front for Christmas she cannot face Easter and would absent herself from the family gathering as she had at New Year's. My son and his family moved out on their own last July. We, her father and myself, have not revealed this monster to his other siblings at her request because she doesn't want her entire family destroyed by this. I am so conflicted, I want to run him through and watch him suffer; I cannot unknow this horror. She felt safe, she wasn't, she was home and she was raped. There's no legal ramifications for him; she didn't press charges, there's no forensic rape kit. As I mentioned at the start, I stumbled upon your answer to the husband whose wife was raped by her brother. I want justice, but what is justice? Am I wrong if try to upload onto a YouTube-like site a poem I wrote, would it have to be made lyrical, i.e. a song and then uploaded to send his shame public? I keep hearing "it went viral", videos that never die, once it's out in netland it's there forever. Why would I want to do that? Because he's come out saying "his wife forgave his dumbass for cheating on her" - after he'd already called and apologized to his sister, who responded she hadn't been sure afterwards, hung over, if the flashbacks were real or part of a nightmare and that until he called she wouldn't let her mind believe it and that now she would use vodka to bury the awful memories. In his relief, assuming forgiveness, he referred to their conversation immediately prior to his assault as she confided in him her deep depression and her having the train schedule to become a 'terminal commuter' - he told her how much he cared about her and that she should take care of herself, get help, seek counselling and overcome her battle with depression. As a mother I always told my children if anyone ever hurts you you keep telling someone until someone listens. Okay, she finally told me, but now I am bound but I can't stop the deafening silent screaming destroying me knowing how my daughter feels she will never be able to move forward in any relationship with anyone again because she relives this horror whenever her sleep is not aided with the mind-numbing effect of alcohol. Sexual assault never ends for the victim who cannot come forward, especially if family related.