Ha, welcome to marriage! Or talk of marriage, at least. Marriage is all about compromise, and this is your first test. Won't be your last, I assure you. That is, if you survive this one.
You both sound pretty resolute, and I can see both sides of it. But, I'm with you on this one. You have every right to keep your name if you want. It's your name, why pry it away from you if you love it? The biggest problem here is that he sees it as a rejection if you don't take his name, and that's not the case. You aren't rejecting his name, you are keeping your own. By his logic, you could argue that he's rejecting your name, too.
I also don't like the fact that he is giving you an ultimatum: take my name or I can't marry you. He has a lot to learn about the gentle art of persuasion, and he'd best do it before he walks down the aisle. Ultimatums are an immature bullying tactic, and they have no place in a marriage (and few other relationships, for that matter). Neither does selfish pride, and that's the other problem here: he's more worried about what others will think of him than what you want. Some men feel emasculated if their wives don't take their last names, which is silly.
To resolve this, one of you will have to bend, and I think it should be him. For starters, he's dead wrong. Also, if he hadn't given you an ultimatum, I'd say you might consider some alternatives (like hyphenation--why won't that work?), but he's already blown it. I don't know about you, but ultimatums just make me dig in my heels that much more.
If he wants to set aside his bruised male ego and butthurt pride and discuss the issue like adults, you might get somewhere. As long as he's trying to push you around, though, I would call his bluff: if he can't marry someone who won't take his name, then you aren't the one he needs to marry. If he intends to spend the rest of your married life bullying you to get his way, then he's not the one you need to marry, either.
That was so wonderfully put, thanks. I hope she takes your advice.
In Hispanic cultures, women always keep their last name when they are married. If there is a child, he or she will have both the father's and mother's last name. It makes perfect sense.
Great reply. I can't help but think that even if they do work this one out that they may encounter similar difficulties in the future. It sounds like he may have some power/control issues and that he will continue to have trouble dealing with her independent nature.
Before we immediately assume that the guy has control issues, I know men who are normal otherwise but are just very traditional when it comes to these things. A couple of my guy friends are also resolute on this, saying if the girl keeps her last name, it means she's not willing to commit to the marriage.
My parents are Chinese so my mom kept her last name and I intend to keep mine too, but maybe it is just a culture norm.
Any guy who refuses to marry you unless you do what he says most definitely has control issues. Being traditional is fine; holding someone hostage to get your way is not.
I really like my last name. It's cool and most people thing I'm descended from a lesser known but important founding father (which I'm not, but they don't need to know that). It's not common but still easy to pronounce and spell.
I have a son and his name is my last name because...well...I didn't marry his father. That and I knew he would be living with me and my family most of the time so I didn't want him to feel different or like an outsider. That's important for kids. So I would also keep the name for his sake as well (I don't plan on having more kids, at least biologically, I'll adopt one if one get's thrown my way). Also, I really don't want to get married. At least not right now. I haven't met someone who makes the idea look good.
I know a lesbian couple who combined their names into a new one when they got married (or at least the Illinois equivalent of married). I thought that was a really cool idea.
My mother kept her name, it was unique and it had been hers her whole life. My dad never cared, or made an issue of it until some of his buddies started making fun of him for it, they told him "If she loved you, she would change her name for you." So he went to my mom, and proudly parroted his buddies and said "if you loved me you'd change your name for me" my mom replied "Fine, it you loved me, you'd change your name for me." My dad said "Ok I get it." I know that sounds like it came out of a sit com, but it really and truly was story of my parents. Four years after they married, they had me, and four years after that, when I entered preschool, my mother was already fed up with people assuming her name was the same as mine and my father's, and it got even trickier since I was attending a Catholic preschool, so she changed her name then. But by then she was used to being married, and had grown fond of the name anyway, and now 17 years later, she couldn't imagine any other name. the point is, my parents were happily married 8 years with different last names, and happily married another 17 and counting with the same last name. your name has no bearing on the quality of your marriage. Keep your name, change your name, it is up to you and what you're happy with and, as people grow and change, what suited then, may not be what suites you now, or suites you later. it's all about being true to yourself, and xcepting change as it comes, cliche right?
I can see both sides of the argument.
Were I a woman (I think) I would take my husband's name with no debate whatsoever. Not just because of tradition, ease, and what others would expect, but because, what's in a name? It's a collection of syllables society uses to give you a label that distinguishes you from someone else. A scientist can't look at blood through a microscope and announce "Elizabeth Park!" There's nothing inherently sacred about a name. I love my name but if someone offered me a million dollars to change it, I'd be silly not to.
So, while I don't necessarily see eye to eye with you, your maybe-husband's stance is pretty ridiculous. I can understand why he would want you to have his name, but the "my way or the highway" approach shouldn't be tolerated. However, it is his call to make. And unless he's bluffing, you'll have to respond to it by taking his name, or saying goodbye.
In the end, I tend to agree with pretty much what everyone else is saying here. Though frankly I think a compromise like "Smith-Baker" would be the mature thing to do. It's quite literally a perfect compromise in this type of situation. You're both being stubborn, but I'm on your side.
You could also add his name to yours as a middle name, but still go by your given name. That way you don't have to give yours up or use his as an awkward hyphenated name, but it's buried in your legal name for anyone who goes asking.