Now this is a question I can relate to. While I don't have kids, I also live in the "city that only occasionally sleeps" and have several friends who are starting families and hearing the siren call of backyards, cheaper real estate, and washer/dryers that are actually in your home. As a kid, I logged time in the 'burbs, but also have spent a huge portion of my life in major cities. So I've seen life in the big, bad city and the wholesome, bucolic suburbs.
So what's your compromise? Brooklyn. (Named the most liveable 'hood by NY Magazine!) Sure, it's great for kids to grow up with big backyards, community pools, and helpful, friendly neighbors. But, as you probably already know, New York City has all of that. We have gorgeous parks, plenty of kid-friendly activities, some of the best museums in the world, and several beaches within driving distance. And this also applies to other major cities. I know plenty of people raising healthy, happy kids in big cities. Living in a city gives kids street smarts and useful life skills for later in life. And, let's be honest, New York City is no longer the "hard city" it once was. Today's NYC isn't the New York of the 1980s, when gangs roved the streets of Lower Manhattan, spraying graffiti and getting into random breakdancing battles. These days it's a mostly safe, family-friendly city. If you want the "big city with a small-town feel" vibe and your guy won't do Brooklyn or Queens, you might also consider Austin, Portland, and Chicago. Plus, there's always Jersey.
But the larger question is, how willing are you both to compromise for each other? If moving to the suburbs is against every fiber of your being, don't do it. Ultimately, you'll be unhappy and grow to resent your fiancee for making you give up city life. On the other hand, where your kids grow up matters far less than how they grow up. Happy parents equals happy kids. You have to ask yourself, would you be happy somewhere within commuting distance of NYC? Would he be happy living in the city, but occasionally getting away with the kids on weekends? This sounds like a pretty major sticking point. Neither of you should have to live somewhere where you'll be miserable. You can find the small-town vibe in a big city, and you can get urban excitement if you live within commuting distance to a major metropolitan area. Now would be a good time to decide how flexible you both are. It all comes down to what you're willing to sacrifice for each other. Some concessions should be made for each other, but one person shouldn't have to completely give up their dreams for the future, whether it's BBQ-ing in the yard on hazy summer days or living two blocks from an amazing Thai restaurant.
So what's your compromise? Brooklyn. (Named the most liveable 'hood by NY Magazine!) Sure, it's great for kids to grow up with big backyards, community pools, and helpful, friendly neighbors. But, as you probably already know, New York City has all of that. We have gorgeous parks, plenty of kid-friendly activities, some of the best museums in the world, and several beaches within driving distance. And this also applies to other major cities. I know plenty of people raising healthy, happy kids in big cities. Living in a city gives kids street smarts and useful life skills for later in life. And, let's be honest, New York City is no longer the "hard city" it once was. Today's NYC isn't the New York of the 1980s, when gangs roved the streets of Lower Manhattan, spraying graffiti and getting into random breakdancing battles. These days it's a mostly safe, family-friendly city. If you want the "big city with a small-town feel" vibe and your guy won't do Brooklyn or Queens, you might also consider Austin, Portland, and Chicago. Plus, there's always Jersey.
But the larger question is, how willing are you both to compromise for each other? If moving to the suburbs is against every fiber of your being, don't do it. Ultimately, you'll be unhappy and grow to resent your fiancee for making you give up city life. On the other hand, where your kids grow up matters far less than how they grow up. Happy parents equals happy kids. You have to ask yourself, would you be happy somewhere within commuting distance of NYC? Would he be happy living in the city, but occasionally getting away with the kids on weekends? This sounds like a pretty major sticking point. Neither of you should have to live somewhere where you'll be miserable. You can find the small-town vibe in a big city, and you can get urban excitement if you live within commuting distance to a major metropolitan area. Now would be a good time to decide how flexible you both are. It all comes down to what you're willing to sacrifice for each other. Some concessions should be made for each other, but one person shouldn't have to completely give up their dreams for the future, whether it's BBQ-ing in the yard on hazy summer days or living two blocks from an amazing Thai restaurant.
My children were raised in the county with horses, creeks, ponds, frogs, dogs & dirt. They are now adults & have told me over & over again how grateful they were to be raised in such a magical environment. They have told me most of their friends are envious of the lifestyle they had growing up. It’s a lifestyle my g’kids now enjoy. :o)
ps:
Their father lives in the city so they do know both worlds.
thats so true, i was raised in the country and have come back to it with my son for all of those reasons. there is just nothing like the sound of crickets on a hot summer night with a sky full of stars you can actually see. i know what you mean about that "magical" feeling too. my fave nights are full moon nights, it's just so beautiful.
..& counting the stars at night. :o)
yes! my son counted 673 just last night lol
I was raised in the suburbs in Texas. I was equally close to the country as well as a large city (Houston). I hated the rural part of the lifestyle so much, so I guess it depends on the individual people. I went to NYC for college and have since lived in large cities. You don't need a car! People are always awake! (I've always been a night person). I love it and don't look back on the "other life". Of course, that's just me.
I myself plan to raise a family that gives a balance of the city and suburb lifestyle.
I was born and raised in NYC and never thought I would live anywhere else. We lived there until we moved to the suburbs for our child. We are in the city all the time so we have the best of both worlds... Initially I fought moving but where we are now we really do not have to lock our doors, have clean air to breathe, lots of space, parking available anywhere you go. Good schools with less competition getting in, smaller classes, etc... NYC kids are street smart because they have to be - they see more and grow up faster. Living in NYC is so convenient with the best of everything right there, but in the end, it was not about us anymore.
ummm... what's wrong with the suburbs?
Lol. There's nothing wrong with the suburbs. The question should be what's so great about NYC...
I personally miss the fast pace. Drinks out. The best restaurants. There were always events happening at all hours. People from all walks of life, cultural backgrounds, etc... Being a city person, I find the suburbs really quiet and relaxing. Nice houses and parks. Everyone drives and no one walks(!) anywhere but they jog and ride bikes.
Nothing's wrong with the suburbs. I love the suburbs. I grew up in the suburbs. But living in the city is important to the question asker. So whether she (or her fiancee) can compromise is the issue. And if she's going to be miserable in the 'burbs, that's a bad place to start a family.
Sorry, Nick - just answering Sherri.
Like Nick says, someone has to compromise. The question asker needs to decide if living in the suburbs is a dealbreaker - if it means that much to her, she needs to tell her bf... But before she does that, maybe they should go and look at where he is thinking they should raise their family - she might find that is what is best for everyone involved. And visit NYC...
true, but what if the hubby will be miserable in NYC... O.O lol i'm glad i'm years away from these kinds of decisions ;)
i grew up in a city and as a teenager, suburbs almost scared me. now they dont scare me but i still feel very uncomfortable there. i hate the fact that you need cars to get around, how segregated they are. i just dont like the mentality, i felt like i am a much stronger and more independent person because i grew up in the city. most of all, i hate how quiet suburbs are. as a city girl im used to hearing cars and the train and people shouting at the park while im sleeping; when its quiet i dont feel safe. once i drove through a small suburb that was close to the city at 10pm and all the lights were off in the houses, all the cars parked. i literally did not see a person. it felt like a ghost town and since then they just creep me out.
I was the one who wanted to stay in the city with my daughter but my fiance really wanted to move just outside the city. I fought with every fiber of my being haha, but my fiance won over my daughter and as she makes the rules apparently, we moved out about 45 minutes from the downtown core. I gotta say, I was wrong in my refusal 100%. I love it out in the country (and honestly, 45 minutes away is the country where I am from) We own a large home for a little bit less than my old place in the city, and my place in the city was possibly as large as the main floor of my current house. Great school, great sports programs, and extremely friendly neighbours. I actually used to take anxiety medication because of my job mainly (or so I thought) but once moving out from the city I have been able to stop taking it. But, that is just me. I have friends who love the city and will probably love it until they die. Do whatever feels right for you.
Growing up, I spent time living on both a 100-acre farm in a town of only 5000 people, as well as an 8th-floor apartment in the Printer's Row area of Chicago. I gotta say, I am simply in love with the city and can't wait to move back.
There's something about the privacy a city brings that I love. Not physical privacy, of course, but I love that one can walk down the streets of Chicago without knowing every face in the crowd.
I think I am much happier having grown up in the city. Being fifteen and reliant on my parents or flaky friends to just visit the library sounds terrible - I was traveling around the city with friends as young as 12. I know that sounds scary to some parents, but I had a cellphone and my parents trusted me, and I never abused that. I still hate cars, so the thought of being entirely dependent on one sounds really unappealing. My mom refused to move to the suburbs when she married my dad because as a young teen her family moved from the Bronx to Staten Island, and even though this was back when it was the big hard city she absolutely hated it.
Now that I'm in college and know people who grew up in more suburban areas I think I benefited from growing up with people of very diverse backgrounds and opinions - I know that isn't true of all cities, and the opposite isn't true of all suburbs, but that does seem to be true from what I've seen. And who wants to deal with their kids whining about how they've "got to get out of this town"? :D
Follow your heart is all I can say. But the country sounds so romantic. What a wonderful way to grow up. I once heard of a couple who raised their kids at sea, traveling the whole world by boat. Sounds hard, but also romantic, adventurous, amazing, and you know what, even if they probably never read a single book, what they learned on sea is probably more than you and I will never know! =)
Wait--I don't get it. If you live in the suburbs of NYC, shouldn't you be close enough to the city to just drive there and enjoy all that it has to offer?
I'm not in your situation and I don't know the reasons behind your strong preference for city living, but it sounds to me like this is sort of a trivial thing to possibly jeopardize your relationship over. Seems to me like just being able to be with the one you love should be the important thing, here.
Another thing to consider: living in the city is statistically more dangerous than living in the suburbs. Not that you should avoid cities because of this, but it may be something to consider if you're planning on bringing kids into the picture. Just some food for thought.
I don't understand how living in the suburbs can "go against everything [someone] stands for." Sounds awfully over-dramatic.
I think Carly said it best. How in the world could living in the suburbs be so awful if you're within short driving distance of a city? I grew up in a suburb outside of a large city and it was great. The word is "subURBAN" for a reason.
It sounds awfully over-dramatic because I am seven months pregnant, and at the time I posted this question, my hormones were running wild haha [:
Thank you Chic Geek and all of the commenters for your insightful advice!
I posted the above question after an argument my hubby and I had about this issue, but believe me I love him very much and our living situation would never be a dealbreaker between us.
Neither of us own a car and never want to be part of a car-based lifestyle, so our choice in suburbs would already be limited to those with public transportation that can take us into the city. Unfortunately, that rules out any kind of country life.
My fiance and I sat down and read Chic Geek's response to our question and decided he hit the nail right on the head! We want the city to be our childrens' backyard!
Since I am currently pregnant and will be leaving my job to become a stay-at-home mother, I will have plently of time to take my daughter to all the beautiful parks and museums this city has to offer!
We have started looking into the Park Slope area in Brooklyn.
Thank you so much everyone for your help!
Thank you Chic Geek and all of the commenters for your insightful advice!
I posted the above question in frustration after an argument with my hubby about this issue, but believe me I love him very much and our living situation would never be a dealbreaker between us.
Neither of us own a car and we never want to part of a car-based lifestyle, so our choice in suburbs would already be limited to those served with public transportation into the city. It is essential for my future husband to get to work. Unfortunately, that rules out any kind of country life.
My fiance and I sat down and read Chic Geek's response to our question and decided he hit the nail right on the head! We want the city to be our childrens' backyard!
Since I am currently pregnant and will be leaving my job to become a stay-at-home mother, I will have plenty of time to take my daughter to all the beautiful parks and museums this city has to offer!
We have started looking into the Park Slope area in Brooklyn.
Thank you so much everyone for your help!
I mean... to all Sex and the City fans out there... Miranda doesn't move to Brooklyn for nothing!