Oh yeah, fishy. Big time.
You're dating for five years and still not his FB friend? That's very odd. Most guys with girlfriends are happy to plaster pics of them all over their FB page, unless they are hiding something. As for the text thing--are his inbox/outbox empty because he never texts, or do you see him texting all the time and they are still empty?
Fishy. There could be nothing to it, but still.... something definitely seems rotten in Denmark. Or, in your case, Illinois.
I'm not sure what else you can do, though. You've asked him about it, you've poked around in his business (phone, FB). I'm assuming he's not in the habit of lying to you, or you wouldn't still be with him after five years.
I think you're at the point now where you just have to take him at his word. If he hasn't betrayed you in five years of dating, then you owe him the benefit of the doubt. I always say it's best to trust someone in a relationship until they give you a (solid) reason not to. I agree that his behavior is suspicious, but you have no proof that he's done anything wrong. "Innocent until proven guilty" isn't just a legal motto, but a good practice in everyday life.
If he is cheating on you, he will slip up soon enough and you'll catch him. Until that time--if it ever comes--you can't obsess over something that might or might not be happening. You'll drive yourself nuts.
I say just trust the guy. But keep your eyes open, too.
Thanks for the question.
De Ja Vu!
Had a boyfriend who kept everything empty all the time, wanna know why? Cause he was cheating. Thats VERY odd behavior. AND...when i would say something about facebook or whatever he would pull the... "what? we cant have any privacy...nothing to ourselves?" ..turned it around on me..
I caught him because i would SEARCH & SEARCH for his phone everytime he left the room.. (which i never did before to anyone and hope i never have to do again) but the feelings i was getting were horrible, and when i finally got ahold of it... i got an eyeful.
good luck..
Just because you're not plastered all over each others Facebooks doesn't mean someone is cheating. Some people are just more private than others. And I would be uncomfortable with anyone looking through my texts/emails, it's no one else's business. You either trust your partner or you don't. In your case, you don't, so either accept it or break up.
Sounds like a family member of mine who has a drug addiction... then again, you'd probably notice something after all of these years? There are a lot of things that people like to keep private besides cheating, and it could be something bad or nothing big at all.
Well, to be fair to him, maybe he is just exceptionally tidy?
My lady is friended on none of my FB accounts though we have been together a fair while, and I always delete texts and emails once they have been answered, unless it is something I do need to keep. I just prefer seeing a clean inbox.
Cary nailed it here.
Hmmm. I do have to wonder if your lady is REALLY okay with that. (I say that with the caveat that I don't know either of you personally- I just wonder)
Think my reply got lost.
I do have to wonder if your lady is REALLY okay with all that. Said with the caveat that I don't know either of you personally. I just wonder.
She wants to see my FB, all she has to do is lean over my shoulder and have a look. She frequently reads over my shoulder when I am writing anyway - usually to correct my grammar! :)
Better safe than sorry.
Hello, I'm the questioner. Cary you gave a great answer. He's never cheated on me, but he did cheat on another girlfriend once, so he tells me. I'm not sure if I should believe him, because of the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" bit.
He used to have me on Facebook a few years ago, with the relationship status, pics, the whole shebang. But he then deleted it, and started up a new one about a year ago without telling me. He has hundreds of friends on it, but every time he adds me, I mysteriously get deleted. He says he's *never* deleted me. I thought that maybe it was a phishing scam and that his account had been hacked, but no other people that he has friended on Facebook has been deleted (some are mutual friends). Very fishy to me...
As for the text messages, I know he gets them and sends them - often - his phone is constantly ringing. I've gotten upset with him because he is always asking me who is calling or texting me, but it's a big deal if I ask him. He gets upset if I want to see or read anything.
It's enough to drive me crazy... Anyone else have this problem? Or can shed some light on what I'm dealing with here?
Sorry girl, but that's definitely fishy. Doesn't smell good AT ALL !
You should trust him but him not ?
He created a new fb account with hundreds of friends but you're not part of them..?
He spends his time texting but his inbox/outbox are clean?
That's more than weird..
He definitely hides something from you. You're more than right to be suspicious when confronted to such behavior..
The biggest part will be to find real evidence on the "most probably cheating" thing... Can you see his fb page? If not, do you think you could ask one very trusted friend you have in common to let you check it out, once a while?MAybe you could find clues there, that would explain why you get unfriended...
Good luck.
" he is always asking me who is calling or texting me, but it's a big deal if I ask him. " -> this is a cheater's behaviour in my opinion, happened to me, I'd be suspicious if I were you
it is textbook cheater behavior. when someone is doing something wrong, they project and get very suspicious of other people for no reason. i had a boyfriend who constantly accused me of cheating -- and he cheated on me with three different women.
it is textbook cheater behavior. when someone is doing something wrong, they project and get very suspicious of others around them for no reason. i had a boyfriend who constantly accused me of cheating -- he was the one who ended up cheating on me with three different women.
I dont know now, some of this sounds like my own boyfriend and yes it is enough to drive anybody crazy .. but I honestly think he used to get so uppity and paranoid about privacy because he absolutely hates being doubted/questioned/cornered/told what to do.(cultural thing plays a big part of it too).. whereas when I am questioned I am compeletely open about everything.
How I managed to change things around was to TALK to him. It got to me so much that I was SO paranoid and I just wasn't having fun anymore, I didn't even know myself and i just had this awful feeling that he got off on all the attention I was giving him. I told him I was leaving him because of his inane entitlement to "privacy" If he wanted so much freedom and privacy then he should be single. I told him that he needed to be more open, I gave him a list of simple things I needed him to do in order for me to have confidence in the relationship and he give me a list of things he needed in order for the relationship to work and so we compromised. I explained that even though he might have nothing to hide he was doing a pretty good job at going out of his way to make me believe that he had.
I don't think my bf had anything to hide, I just believe that back then he was a bit of a d!ck. And he had a bit of a control issue. Have to say though NOW he is a changed man and the privacy issue is just not even a problem anymore! Good Luck ;)
The only time I've broken up with a woman was because they were overtly suspicious when I'd done absolutely nothing wrong. The lack of trust made me break it off, never looked back once either.
i am like mystery man, in that the only ones i leave in my inbox or outbox are ones i have to deal with, kind of like a running to do list. has your man always behaved this way with texting or is this new behavior? the FB thing is different for everybody, some people are very open with FB and some aren't. i have been with cheaters before and it was never a texting or FB issue that led them to the proverbial "slip up". but they will if they are real cheaters. again, another commenter has given good advice that being overly paranoid could be a mistake for you as well. cary's advice is great to trust the guy but keep your eyes open. remember that you've chosen to stay in this for five years in the same way that he's chosen to as well, so give that foundation the benefit of the doubt unless he proves otherwise...i repeat...PROVES otherwise...otherwise you could be getting suspicious over nothing. women have a tendency to overanalyze ourselves and our relationships into the grave, so i would say just relax and give him a chance...to either prove his love or dig his own grave.
I don't see any reason she needs to stick around until he 100% PROVES he's cheating. If you've been with someone for five years and he still doesn't make you feel safe and secure in the relationship, then there's a problem regardless of why he's being so guarded.
I'd agree with both Wise-Ass and MM on that point, except that she commented that he changed his behaviour not so long ago... THAT's what's weird.
I do think his behavior is a bit weird. I wouldn't like it at all.
But my take is this: A guy can have you on his FB, with status and all, and make a habit of leaving his unlocked phone lying around, and see you a lot, and STILL cheat. If he wants to cheat, he'll find a way.
There's just not enough evidence here to convict. Anonymous makes a good point, though.
Fishy Fishy to say the least...
I just went through something similar - although we only dated seriously for a little over a year, he received a tons of texts, would show me some of them but be vague about others. Took his phone everywhere with him and never left it unattended. He said he used facebook for work only and would never really discuss it when I asked him why he never friended me other then that he used it was for work. He appeared to me, my family and fiends to be very honest, we spent almost every day together and always use "us, we, when we do this, our plans, our goals" etc. Gave me the impression that we were very solid. I woke up about 2 months ago and realized something was "off" but could not put my finger on it. So I started watching our relationship much closer. That's when I knew something was up. About 2 weeks I felt I had nothing to lose and that he was not being honest with me about something. I sent him an email calling him out on him going out on a date when he said he was out with his buddy and he actually admitted that he had been out on a date! That he never meant to hurt me, I am the best person he has ever dated - blah blah blah. Shocker to say the least as it was a gut feeling along with the texts and facebook thing.... Had I not sent the email to him, we'd most likely be in the same place doing the same darn thing - me being blind and he, cheating. gave me some cockamamie story it was the 1st time. sure.... I'll believe that when birds fly out of me arse...
I think your gut instinct should be listened to carefully and if it feels wrong, then it might very well be wrong. If he really is doing nothing then I think if nothing else you owe it to yourself to be very clear with him on how this is making you feel in hopes that you can work through this. Or you need to decide if you can continue to be with him with him being so secretive. It is hard for me to thing that after 5 years he would not respect you and your relationship enough to allow you to be a part of his facebook and read his texts.
I hope I am wrong and you two are able to sort it all out, Best wishes to you!
Why the need to see his texts? Even though I'm having perfectly innocent conversations I still don't want somebody up my ass all the time about who I'm talking to and what I'm saying. Relationships are kind of like a bar of soap - squeeze it too tight and it will fly right out of your hands.
My ex-boyfriend constantly accused me of cheating on him with his friend from work, who I had legitimately made friends with and we were not saying or even suggesting anything inappropriate when we talked. The relationship was already going south when he decided to tell me he "accidentally" read a text from the guy that said "Is there a possibility of an us?" which he never said and also doesn't fit the way he talks. It was partly his snooping, along with other scary, controlling behaviors, that ended the relationship, and you know what? Later I did end up with the other guy, because he turned out to be the better guy! I believe the phrase is "self-fulfilling prophecy"?
Give me a break. Do you want to live a life full of suspicion? Do you want a relationship with someone you can't fully trust? Kick him to the curb. It's only going to get worse instead of better.