In all honesty, I don't know if it is unreasonable.
On the one hand, as a guy who has amicable, indeed friendly, relations with all bar one (into every dating life, some psychos must fall) of his ex's, I can see his point. Though these ladies are no longer part of his life, they are still friends.
On the other hand, he is with you and should be paying attention to, and giving priority to, your needs and worries. So, my instincts are at odds here.
Is he neglecting you to talk to them? Are you at that delicate stage where a relationship can suddenly dive into something potentially much more serious? Are they all hotter than you? Are you scared he'll leave?
What really has you wound up here?
I am not dismissing your worry, fear and anger - simply asking you to look it over first and decide why it exists. I can't answer you while you don't know why you feel this way.
Drop an answer in the comments and we'll dig a bit deeper.
I think MM answered this really well - everyone will have a different opinion on this - and I guess it all just depends on what type of person you are.
Personally i have zero tolerance on this ex issue which i made clear from very early on in my own relationship. For me my exes are - YES lovely and YES wonderful people but they are also in my past and I have enough respect for my partner not to call/email/meet up with someone who I had not only a deep emotional connection with but a sexual and intimate relationship with. Somehow, I guarantee - he would not be overly happy if i decided to go and have a cup of tea with a guy whose penis I used to be very fond of. Awkward. I don't think its cool at all to bring your past into your present and frankly unless you share a child or something of similar importance with that person there is really no need for it. It all depends on where you're at in life and how committed you're willing to be. You've obviously let him know that it upsets you and he hasn't done anything to make you feel more secure. I think you just have to work out what he values more and who is priority is - if he is willing to throw away his future for his past then to be honest - you could probably do a lot better than that.
Hallelujah!
I agree with Glorified to a point - with the exception of one or two of my exes, I also don't see the need to befriend exes or keep them in my life for whatever reason. But that's just me and you can't expect everyone to view things exactly as you do. You just can't expect people to act in the exact same way you would act and get mad at them when they don't. That's a very self-righteous attitude to have and no one likes self-righteous people. If he's breaking plans with you to hang with an ex, if he ignores you to take an ex's call or text, or if he in any way doesn't make you feel like the most important person in the room when you're in the room, that's a problem and you can get upset with him. But if he just views exes as friends and treats them as such, I don't think you should get mad. Let him have his friendships and you'll come out looking like a really cool, confident girlfriend.
I think it kind of depends on the type of contact. A few facebook messages or emails once in awhile is not a big deal. Phone contact i find a little more awkward. Meeting up with that ex without your bf/gf around is a definite NO. But I don't see why in this age of facebook and constant communication you have to cut off all ties. However, everyone should take a cue from how their partner feels and if she's not OK with it then you probably shouldn't be doing it.
i thought the phone thing was weird too. awkward a good word for that. i also see that she said "them" so it's not like he's obsessing over one girl, hopefully thats the case. i'm inclined to agree this may be just another of those all around nice guys types who is fortunate enough to remain amicable and friends with exes. best case scenario here from the limited info is that she can take comfort in the fact that he's not the "go ugly" type if things ever got sour with them. yeah this one is situation specific, but maybe even this could suggest to her that he's also the easygoing, non confrontational type, which is always nice to have in a guy. dominique made a good point, you can't just expect him to act a certain way, and my sister and i were just having this exact conversation about how thats where relationships go sour, because we've placed expectations that the other person doesn't even know about and when they dont meet them we get upset. and they get confused to hell. this could be one of those where you've just expected he shouldn't be talking to his exes, and now he is, and it's messing you up. i do agree with MM am not saying you don't have cause for concern, but if he is just an all around nice guy this molehill has the potential to become a mountain if you think about it to the point of spinning out of control. and this one could, exes have a tendency to do that, so it's good these flags are waving for you, just saying they may not be red ones. excuse my terrible metaphors today i am trying to work out some writers block and it's not going so well lol
While I admire exes being able to be friendly, that friendship should never make the significant other uneasy. If you have already had a major discussion over this and he continues doing what he is doing even knowing it bothers you - dealbreaker. He has got to respect your feelings and get his priorities straight. (Even the exes would understand this.)
To be honest I don't agree with what some people are saying.
I am really good friends with one of my ex-boyfriends. We talk on phone, Skype, Aim/FB chat with each other all the time, and my current boyfriend knows this. Granted when I do talk to the ex its not in front of my boyfriend and I never let that friendship take precedence over my current relationship.
My boyfriend knows that I love him and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. Granted the ex and I haven't hung recently due to the fact that we live in separate cities. But if we ever where to hang out I would tell my boyfriend and ask his opinion, and if he said no he didn't feel comfortable, I would respect that. But I would never stop being his friend.
So I don't think it matter of just being friends, it's more about respect. Like MM said, is it an issue of him not respecting your relationship or something else.
Good Luck!!!
What a coincidence. My guy and I got into a fight last night over this EXACT issue. He sees no problem with not only being FRIENDS with his exes, but even going to movies, dinner, etc. with them. Heck last night, he took dinner to a girl he went on one date with (who is recovering from surgery) and then stayed for 3 hours to watch a movie with her. I told him I felt that it was off-base, as he could still show his concern for her with the dinner and short visit, but he became convinced I'm being controlling, etc. (And, to be totally honest, I have insecurity issues because my ex-hubby spent more time out with a much younger female friend with whom he had at least an emotional affair with).
I think a good question to ask yourself is if you were the ex what would you want? Would you want him to suddenly stop being your friend when there is someone knew in his life? I think its 100 times better to date someone who's relationships ended in friendship then someone whose every relationship ended in a all out way.
If he has given you no reason to doubt his feelings for you or the fact that these are just friends then I think you are being a little unreasonable. Sometimes relationships end because you realize there is no attraction other then friendship.
Seconded. Unless he's letting the exes take precedence over you or gives you reason to think that he's still attracted to them, you should probably try to reframe the issue. Wouldn't you rather date someone whose breakups were all amicable than someone whose breakups were all dramatic and messy, and who talked about how all his exes were psycho? If you were friends with an ex, as Audra said, would you want to be ditched the moment that ex found someone new? As his friend, it would raise all sorts of questions in your mind about what kind of friend he really was.
The Question is the Answer...
His ex's still "mean a lot to him"
"He keeps in touch with them... on the pnone"
"He makes me seem like a psycho"
Read between the lines and it's easy to decipher a woman who knows the answer to her own question. If... her ears and eyes are clear, and her intuition decisive.
I'm sorry but its people like you who have ruined a long-time friendship between my best guy friend and I. Even though I have a bf who I am completely faithful to, she went off the deep end and made him stop seeing me. We had briefly dated (like 2 months) and never had sex but she was still so threatened by me that she wouldn't let us hang out. Ever. Even if she was around. I think its ridiculous to ask your SO to stop being friends with any of their friends no matter what the relationship was before (excluding physically or emotionally abusive relationships or if the person is detrimental to your SO's health). If you really have that low self esteem or are that threatened by it maybe you should look to yourself and not your SO's actions.
I think ANON has stated the most important issues. His reactions to her discomfort are a bad sign, and the fact that his exes "mean so much" he won't even try to consider her point of view are signs of an unhealthy dynamic.
EVERYONE has insecurities. Every.Single.Person ... so her concern isn't wrong. It may or may not be completely justified, but she's allowed a vulnerability. And what's important isn't so much his continued friendships, but his complete disregard for and lack of respect for his girlfriend's feelings. If his intentions are pure, he should be reassuring and understanding. He should try to convince her of his faithfulness, not turn it around to make her feel psycho. I personally only have one ex I can say still "means a lot" and that is because he and I were each other's main source of support during one of the darkest periods of our lives. But he and I rarely talk anymore, and only through Facebook. My S.O. of nine years has always been aware of this.
No, a healthy relationship does not consist of picking and choosing the other's friends. But continuing ANY behavior while knowing it upsets your boyfriend or girlfriend is disrespectful and callous. He should reduce his interaction with them, making sure it's strictly friendly, or he could try introducing her to the exes (preferably not all at once) in a non-threatening, low-pressure environment...bar, bowling alley, friend's party, whatever...in a group setting so she can see for herself there's no romantic interest on either side. At the very least he should try to understand her feelings, and help assuage them, not put them down and make her feel badly about herself. That alone indicates either there is something more, or the guy is just an insensitive douchebag that should be left to his harem of past mistakes.