It would've already happened by now. If there's no spark now, there surely won't be one in the future. And don't call me Shirley.
That's not to say you couldn't fall in love with this guy someday. But physical attraction doesn't grow like love does. You rarely hear of people who develop a spark for each other over time. I suppose it could happen, but it's not likely. In fact, the opposite usually happens: couples start off crazy with attraction and lust, and over time it morphs and mellows into a deeper but very different kind of love. The spark becomes a low simmer. How many times have you heard people complain about how they miss the early days of the relationship when they couldn't keep their hands off each other?
Physical attraction is an important part of the foundation of a relationship. You'll need it later. You'll wake up one morning two years from now, still pissed about the fight you had last night and what an asshole he is, and you'll be thinking about maybe calling it quits when you glance over at him asleep in bed next to you and think, "I hate him, but he sure is sexy." Then your anger will start to fade and the next thing you know, you two are going at it like fiends and afterward he apologizes and you apologize and all is well once again in Munchkinland.
In other words, when the going gets tough, you'll want the animal attraction to fall back on. And the makeup sex.
Now, I realize that lots of couples start as friends, but in those cases I think they probably always had an unspoken attraction for each other but were just unavailable or unsure. And, yes, plenty of couples do get together and survive without the spark, but why settle for that? Do you want a relationship that merely survives, or one that thrives? Hey, that rhymes!
I'm not telling you to dump the guy. He sounds like a stand-up dude. Just don't hold your breath waiting for a physical attraction to materialize out of the blue one day.
Good question and good answer. We women tend to do that. Settle for a guy who doesn't spark anything but we feel safe with. Damn that biology.
Been there and done that twice...kinda.
I dated a guy who was really nice, smart, funny, and handsome. Total package. The spark for me just wasn't there, so I bailed (as nicely as I could).
When I first met my husband, I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL physically. He was extremely overweight, had a shaved head (I love long hair) and is fair skinned and blond (I like them dark and with brown hair).
That was my first reaction to him (physically). I thought "hmmm...nice guy. I'll stick him in friend category." However, we went out on a date (even though I wasn't physically attracted to him) because he was fun to talk to. We stayed up until 5am having great conversation (no sex, kissing, anything). That was it. I was hooked. He had everything I wanted personality-wise and then after that, his looks didn't matter to me.
11 years later we're still together. He's lost weight and his hair grew back. He's still not olive complected and he's still blond, but I totally think he's hawt now. Brains are sexy.
But as Cary said, *some* spark has to be there. He sparked my brain as opposed to my sexual appetite at first. But now I have have that spark with my brain and with the sexual attraction. :)
The other guy I dated? I dunno. He had it all...just no spark anywhere.
If there really isn't any spark in any area with this guy, I'd say it's time to move on.
I've been married almost 10 years to an awesome guy. I love him to death, hes totally my best friend. But that sexual spark just isn't there. I got married at 18, and I really didn't know any better. And let me tell you, it causes more heartache than anything else. Especially cuz he doesn't feel the same way. I would not recommend putting yourself in this situation. Its painful and complicated..
This situation is so hard. I was in a relationship with a guy and i wanted it to work so badly that i tried to ignore the lack of physical attraction. It didn't work, breaking it off was the best bet for me. As hard as i tried, i couldnt make myself find him sexy
Perhaps I'm in the minority with this one. I'm such a personality girl, it's ridiculous. I've dumped extremely attractive guys just because we had nothing in common other than lust. Honestly, even in casual relationships, it's nice to have someone with a brain or solid sense of humor. Quite frankly, the best looking guys are never that great in bed anyway. Good sex is certainly important in a relationship, and you should at least give it a valiant effort before you throw in the towel. Sometimes all it takes is a really good kiss to get your brain (and other areas) thinking of him in a different way.
Looks are subjective. I'm talking about physical attraction, which isn't necessarily about looks.
I hate it when this happens. This is how it usually goes down for me:
My logical brain is all "He's such a good guy! EXACTLY what you want. What are you waiting for? You've been enough dates! Isn't he sexy? Sort of? A little? Can you fake it for a while?"
My libido/spark center/broken part of my brain/is this thing on?: "Eh, I can't be bothered with this one. How about the one over THERE with sleeves of tattoos, chugging straight from the liquor bottle, and looking at you like a piece of meat?!"
So then I go home alone.
I feel for the questioner but if it's not there, it's not there. When it IS there, oh man, it was definitely worth the wait. Besides, what if you get so wrapped up in trying to force attraction to this guy that you miss another great match?
I had a friend who broke up with her last three or four boyfriends because she woke up one morning, looked at the thing lying there next to her, and was disgusted. My guess is they were all "easy to talk to, fun, and treated her well." They were also swamp monsters, but I feel for them. For *his* sake, don't try to date him. It's a hell of a thing to hear that your partner is breaking up with you because they never found you attractive to begin with.
I am in the EXACT same situation right now and I am so confused about what to do. This is my first real relationship, and I like the idea of this guy as my boyfriend, so I guess I am hoping that as I get to know him I will become more attracted. In the comment thread of a similar question, someone said it would be "malicious" to keep dating the guy. I don't want to lead him on, and you guys seem to be saying it would be in my best interest (and his) to end it. Is there a "right" thing to do in this situation?
Oh, I think it's beyond crucial to have some sort of spark! And if you don't have one now, you never will. I wasted three years with a perfectly nice, decent man, but zero electricity between us. It's pretty sad when you don't even want to have makeup sex. And I realize now I basically paraphrased your reply. Because I'm nothing if not clever.
I think it definitely would be better to have that spark when you first meet someone, but it is really up to you how important or necessary you think that aspect of the relationship is. For some there are other factors that are more important. Being compatible with someone, being able to trust them, knowing that they love you, being able to share a laugh, and just being able to enjoy the time you spend with them no matter what you are doing are all important too. Also, I agree with what Cary said, in that, over time that initial attraction can sometimes change into a quite different type of passion. When you know a person so well and have been with them so long, and you have seen them in every type of situation, the element of surprise and newness is pretty much gone, but your comfort level with each other increases many times over. Another thing you might want to keep in mind is that even if the spark is there at the beginning, there is no guarantee that it will always be there. There are all sorts of reasons why that spark can wax and wane or fade and even disappear. People change, relationships change, energy levels vary at different times in your life, you see and know your partner in every possible light--both good and bad, you may start a family and add kids to the mix, either or both of you can have health problems or be required to take medication which can affect libido, stress levels go up and down---all of these things can affect the desire you feel for one another. During the times when desire fluctuates, having those other things (like being able to talk to one another, sharing a sense of humor, compatibility, trust, and treating each other well) to fall back on can be pretty important too.
Wow, this is my question! Thanks for answering Cary! And damn you for being right! Unfortunately I read this answer today instead of three days ago (that's what I get for not logging on to guyspeak everyday!).
No-Spark and I had a date last night. He made me dinner, and it was everything I could have asked for. Except he wasn't. I had to have a substantial part of a bottle of wine before I could even think about kissing him. I wrote it off as nerves, and the night progressed as many drunken nights do...
The sex wasn't great, but at least it was better than I thought it would be. But I can't help but thinking that if the lights had been on, we wouldn't have clicked nearly as much, because then I would have had to see him. And in the morning, there he was, and whatever mojo had been there in the darkness was gone again.
I'm NOT a shallow woman. I've always thought it was funny that my entire life I've been attracted to men with some kind of funny characteristic, like a big nose or something. And I'm not trying to say that I am perfect by any means. But it is just not there with this guy! And now that he's seen what a sexual goddess I am (hehe), this is not going to be an easy let-down.
This sucks, but I know that Cary was right, as well as all the ladies on here who have been very supportive and helpful. This guy isn't exactly a swamp monster (which had me cracking up, Kylie!), but he's just not the guy for me.
Well, I have been married for two years, and my husband is my best friend, I adore his personality and brain, and there is some attraction, but it has definitely waned over time. We feel less and less attracted to each other, and although we get along great, it is taking a toll on us, and I feel sometimes more like a roomate than a wife. So yeah, the spark is VERY important.
My bf left me two weeks ago, but he still keeps calling me to talk about random stuff.
Do you think I should keep talking to him or just start to refuse the calls? He still posts on my Facebook too, it's really hard to understand!