You'll notice that I made a minor, but significant, edit at the end of your question. I will explain why I did this and it's not because I'm an obnoxious scamp.
His background doesn't matter. Who do you think you are? Dr. Philomena? Most of the time, people tell you exactly what they want and what they're thinking. It's the interpretation that screws everything up. Some people aren't onions. At best, their like lemons. Just one peel and you're there. Don't psychoanalyze this dude. He told you he's "not ready for a relationship." Take it at face value. Why isn't he ready? He probably doesn't know, and playing amateur shrink won't help him or you. It's tough enough figuring out why we do the things we do. I find people who try to overanalyze the behaviors of others are not terribly introspective people. They don't do themselves the favor they enjoy bestowing on others. Namely, their diagnosis.
Being told "I'm not ready for a relationship" is deeply frustrating. Is he feeding you a line? Is he a drama queen, like so many players? Is he actually confused about what he wants or conflicted about whether he can live up to the responsibility that a relationship demands? I don't know. You don't either. It hurts, but if he says he's not ready for a relationship, then listen to him and steer clear. Don't take it as a challenge. Because I've seen this happen. In six months you'll get fed up because he's not behaving like a boyfriend. He'll say "I told you so!"
Who really knows why we do the things we do. We can only try to not repeat our past mistakes, and that takes looking to the future rather than strip-mining the past.
Give him time to figure his sh!t out. He might never. You shouldn't tag along for the ride. If he ever gets ready for a relationship, he'll catch up.
The best thing the player I fell for taught me was the meaning of 'it is what it is'. It took me awhile to learn his motto: don't overthink stuff. It was such a revelation for me but helped me a whole lot and put things in perspective.
props to you john. This is the best answer to that question I've ever seen. I belong to that tribe of overanalysers (my excuse... it's my job) -- but I've learnt to sit back and just ignore it when it comes to men. You can't ever tell.
also, if you weren't taken, I would totally ask you out :lol: You're funny, smart, witty and (according to the pic) -- cute. Just tell me you're not ready ;)
I'm right there with you, ladies. Great answer. I was totally infatuated with this guy, but the timing was off. I thinking getting told "you're great, but.." hurts more and is much more confusing than being flat out told no.
I just went through the same thing but i was stupid and let it drag on for almost 3 years. my biggest question is, is it just me he can't fall for? or is it really that he isn't ready to be with anyone? im moving on but i really still want to know what the chances are that he will get ready and want to try it again with me? and i agree i wonder if it would be easier to let go if he just said no rather than im not ready.
"Who really knows why we do the things we do. We can only try to not repeat our past mistakes, and that takes looking to the future rather than strip-mining the past."
Thank you for articulating something that I've been trying to put into words for a long time!
Why women are so desperate to be with men who don't want them is beyond me. Get some self-esteem, ladies! If a man ever told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, I'd respond with, "Whatever, dude, I didn't want you first."
On top of that, when he says he's not ready for a relationship, he might just be tactfully omitting that he's not ready for a relationship with a crazy like you!
John, it is *they're like lemons, not their. Just a heads up, my main man.
"DON'T TAKE IT AS A CHALLENGE". OMG. Exactly what I and about a bizillion other girls have been doing (wrong) all these freakin years.
The mantra has been "I know I can't change who he is, but he DOES love me...he's just too stupid to know it yet...so maybe with a ridiculous amount of doting on him and always being there whenever he wants, and calling him to make sure he is thinking about me, and sending him bothersome texts to remind him not to forget about me, and question him about every woman who "likes" his Facebook posts, and interrogating him about why he didn't call when he said he would..yah, THEN he will for SURE want to be my exclusive boyfriend."
Yeah, it was a pretty obvious question. I am cutting ties off completely, already have wasted 3 months of my life on this guy. I just have to block off any emotions I have towards him (i.e. feel really bad for guy, he's been through a great deal). But his issues are not mine. I have my own I guess.